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Please put more jokes here

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    I've just put a deposit down on a Porsche and mentioned it on Twitter.
    I can't understand why the Americans are so upset.
    All I said was, "I can't wait for the new 911."
    However, 4000 Pakistanis are now following me.
    "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

    I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

    Comment


      Caitlyn Jenner has won "Woman of the year 2015". Proving men are even better at being women than women are.
      "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

      I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

      Comment


        People used to believe in multiple Gods.

        Now they believe in one God.

        They're getting closer to the actual number all the time.
        "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

        I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

        Comment


          How did I get out of Iraq?

          Iran.
          "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

          I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

          Comment


            hmmm

            Since there are more Chinese people than any other race on Earth, does that mean they have normal eyes and we have big crazy googly ones?
            "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

            I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

            Comment


              and for FLC

              I walked in the pub with my missus and the barman said, "Punching above your weight there aren't you, pal? Where did you find her?"

              "I met her in Thailand," I replied. "We're due to get married next month."

              "You don't want to get married," he said. "That's when the blowjobs stop."

              "I don't mind that," I replied. "I hate giving her them anyway."
              "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

              I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

              Comment


                and another for FLC

                "What do they call you?" Asked the lady at the bar.

                "Turner" I replied.

                "What a coincidence" she smiled, "my surname's Turner as well."

                "It's not my surname" I explained, "it's because my last 8 ex-girlfriends are lesbians now."
                "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

                I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

                Comment


                  Schrödinger's cat walked into a bar......................At the same time Schrödinger's cat didn't walk into a bar.

                  Comment


                    Originally posted by JozefBlofeld View Post
                    Schrödinger's cat walked into a bar......................At the same time Schrödinger's cat didn't walk into a bar.
                    Whoaaaa that's deeeeep.
                    'CUK forum personality of 2011 - Winner - Yes really!!!!

                    Comment


                      Originally posted by vetran View Post
                      Teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime.
                      Teach a feminist to fish and she will accuse you of patronising her, claim she knew how to do it anyway and that even if she didn't, she could easily work it out without the help of a man.


                      Comment

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