Please put more jokes here

[BrilloPad]

Training courses now available for women
1. Silence, The Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before.
2. The Undiscovered Side Of Banking: Making Deposits
3. Combating The Imelda Marcos Syndrome: You Don't Need New Shoes
Everyday
4. Parties: Going Without New Outfits
5. Man Management: Discover How Minor Household Chores Can Wait Until
After The Game.
6. Bathroom Etiquette 1: Men Need Space In The Bathroom Cabinet Too
7. Bathroom Etiquette 2: His Razor Is His
8. Communication Skills 1: Tears - The Last Resort, Not The First
9. Communication Skills 2: Thinking Before Speaking
10. Communication Skills 3: Getting What You Want, Without Nagging
11. Driving A Car Safely: A Skill You Can Acquire
12. Party Etiquette: Drinking Your Fair Share
13. Telephone Skills: How To Hang Up
14. Introduction to Parking
15. Introduction to Petrol
16. Advanced Parking: Reversing Into A Space
17. Advanced Petrol: How To Take The Filler Cap Off
18. Water Retention: Fact or Fat
19. Cooking 1: Bran And Tofu Are Not For Human Consumption
20. Cooking 2: How Not To Inflict Your Diet On Other People
21. PMT: Your Problem... Not His
22. Dancing: Sober Men Don't Like To
23. Sex - It's For The Married Couple Too
24. Classic Clothing: Wearing Clothes You Already Have
25. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice
26. TV Remotes: For Men Only

[BrilloPad]

Two gay men were visiting a zoo, when they found themselves at the
gorilla cage. The gorilla was sitting there with a huge erection.
Unable to contain himself one of the men reaches in to touch it.
As soon as his arm goes into the cage, the gorilla grabs him, and
takes him into the cage... slams him to the floor and ****s him
senseless.
A few days later in hospital the boyfriend visits and asks his
partner if he is hurt...
"Hurt..Hurt.. You bet I'm hurt. He hasn't phoned, he hasn't
written..."

[BrilloPad]

Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one
for a great price, but it's missing a seal, so whenever it rains he has
to smear Vaseline over the spot where the seal should be.

Anyway, his girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet
her parents. He drives his new bike to her house, where she is outside
waiting for him. "No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a
word", she tells him. "Our family had a fight a while ago about doing
dishes. We haven't done any since, but the first person to speak at
dinner
has to do them."

Steve sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it.
Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying
a
word. So Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend,
throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of her parents.
His
girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her
mom
horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

A few minutes later he grabs her mom, throws her on the table
and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad
is boiling, and her mother is a little happier. But still there is
complete silence at the table.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts
to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his
jar of Vaseline. Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend's father backs
away
from the table and screams,
"OKAY, ENOUGH ALREADY, I'LL DO THE ******* DISHES!!"

[BrilloPad]

The vice-president of a local company had quite a problem. He was
told by his boss to lay off one of his employees, either Mary or Jack.
His choice
was a tough one because Mary had been a devoted employee for 10 years
and Jack was a fine worker who had a family to support. At night,
the VP tossed and turned in his sleep trying to decide which of his
employees he would lay off.

Finally he decided, the first one to come to work tomorrow would be
the one. Morning finally comes and the VP waits at the office for one of
the two employees to arrive. At 8:55 Mary walks into the office. "I've
got
a difficult decision" the VP says, "I either have to lay you or Jack
off."

"If you don't mind - just jack-off," Mary says, "I've got a headache."

[BrilloPad]

The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends.
Life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What
do you get at the end of it? A death. What's that,
a bonus????

The life cycle is all backwards.You should die first,
to get it out of the way. Then you can live in an old
age home. You get kicked out when you're too
young, you get a gold watch, then you go to work.
You work forty years until you're young enough to
enjoy your retirement.You do drugs, drink a lot of
alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school.
You go to grade school, you become a kid, you
play, you have no responsibilities.

You become a little baby, you go back into the
womb, you spend your last nine months floating in
a warm safe place... then you finish off as an
orgasm.!

[BrilloPad]

This farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster, and he wants
chicks. So he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if
he has a rooster. The other farmer says, "Yeah, I've got this
great rooster,named Randy; he'll service every chicken you got,
no problem."
Well, Randy the rooster is a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd
be worth it. So, he buys Randy.
The farmer takes Randy home and sets him down in the barnyard, giving
the
rooster a pep talk, "Randy, I want you to pace yourself now.
You've got a lot of hens to service here, and you cost me a lot of
money and, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and
have some fun," the farmer said with a chuckle.
Randy seemed to understand so the farmer points toward the henhouse and
Randy took off like a shot. ~WHAM~
He nails every hen in there THREE or FOUR times and the farmer is
just shocked.
Randy runs out of the hen house and sees a flock of geese down by the
lake, ~WHAM~ He gets all the geese.
Randy's up in the pigpen, he's in with the cows. Randy is jumping on
every animal the farmer owns.
The farmer is distraught, Worried that his expensive rooster won't even
last the day.
Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day to find
Randy dead as a doorknob, stone cold, in the middle of the yard.
Buzzards are circling overhead.
The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colourful animal, shakes his
head and says, "Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get

you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."

Randy opens one eye, nods toward the sky and says, "Shhh, they're
getting
closer...."

[BrilloPad]

A Teenager comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks
his father for help. ?Dad, can you tell me the difference between
potential and reality??
His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, ?I'll show you. Go
ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million
dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt
for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've learned.?
The kid is puzzled, but he decides to see if he can figure out what
his father means. He asks his mother, ?Mom, if someone gave you a
million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford??
His mother looks around slyly, and then with a little smile on her face
says, ?Don't tell your father, but, yes, I would.?
Then he goes to his sisters room and asks her, ?Sis, if someone gave
you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt??
His sister looks up and says, ?Omigod! Definitely!?
The kid goes back to his father and says, ?Dad, I think I've figured it
out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million buck, but in reality,
we're living with a couple of slappers.?

[BrilloPad]

In the middle of an international gynaecology conference, an English and
a French gynaecologist are discussing various cases they've recently treated.
French Gynaecologist : "Only last week, zer was a woman ooh came to see me, and
'er cleetoris - eet was like a melon."
English Gynaecologist : "Don't be absurd, it couldn't have been that big, my
good man, she couldn't have been able to walk if it was."
French Gynaecologist : "Aaah, you eenglish, zare you go again, always talkeeng
about ze size... I was talkeeng about ze flavour...

[BrilloPad]

TOKYO (AP) The recent craze for hydrogen beer is at the heart of a
three way lawsuit between unemployed stockbroker Toshira Otoma,
the Tike-Take karaoke bar and the Asaka Beer Corporation.

Mr. Otoma is suing the bar and the brewery for selling toxic
substances and is claiming damages for grievous bodily harm
leading to the loss of his job. The bar is countersuing for defamation
and loss of customers.

The Asaka Beer corporation brews "Suiso" brand beer, where the
carbon dioxide normally used to add fizz has been replaced by the more
environmentally friendly hydrogen gas. A side effect of this has
made the beer extremely popular at karaoke sing-along bars and
discotheques.

Individuals whose lungs are filled with the nontoxic gas can
speak with an uncharacteristically high voice. Exploiting this quirk of
physics, chic urbanites can now sing soprano parts on karaoke
sing-along machines after consuming a big gulp of Suiso beer. The
flammable nature of hydrogen has also become another selling
point, even though Asaka has not acknowledged that this was a
deliberate marketing ploy.

It has inspired a new fashion of blowing flames from one's mouth using
a cigarette as an ignition source. Many new karaoke videos feature
singers shooting blue flames in slow motion, while flame contests
take place in pubs everywhere. "Mr. Otoma has no-one to blame but
himself.
If he had not become drunk and disorderly, none of this would have
happened.

Our security guards undergo the most careful screening
and training before they are allowed to deal with customers" said
Mr.Takashi Nomura, Manager of the Tike-Take bar.

"Mr. Otoma drank fifteen bottles of hydrogen beer in order to
maximize the size of the flames he could belch during the contest. He
catapulted balls of fire across the room that Gojira would be
proud of, but this was not enough to win him first prize, since the
judgment is made on the quality of the flames and that of the singing,
so after fifteen bottles of lager, he was badly out of tune."

"He took exception to the result and hurled blue fireballs at the
judge, singeing the front of Mrs. Mifune's hair, entirely removing
her eyebrows and lashes, and ruining the clothes of two nearby
customers.

None of these people have returned to my bar. When our security
staff approached he turned his attentions to them, making it almost
impossible to approach him. Our head bouncer had no choice but to
hurl himself at Mr. Otoma's knees, knocking his legs from under him."

"The laws of physics are not to be disobeyed, and the force that
propelled Mr. Otoma's legs backwards also pivoted around his
center of gravity and moved his upper body forward with equal velocity.
It
was his own fault he had his mouth open for the next belch, his own
fault he held a lighted cigarette in front of it, and it is own fault he

swallowed that cigarette."

"The Tike-Take bar takes no responsibility for the subsequent
internal combustion, rupture of his stomach lining, nor the third degree

burns to his esophagus, larynx and sinuses as the exploding gases forced

their way out of his body. His consequential muteness and loss of
employment are his own fault."

Mr. Otoma was unavailable for comment.

[Chantho]

Just got this one via e-mail, enjoy


The local Vicar explained to his congregation that he must move on to
a larger parish that would pay him more. There were gasps from his flock....no one wanted him to leave!

Mike Smith, who owned several car dealerships in Canterbury stood
up and proclaimed, "If the Vicar stays, I'll provide him with a new car every year and his wife with a mini-van
to transport their children!"

The congregation sighed in unison and applauded...

Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stood and said,

If the Vicar will stay on here, I'll personally double his

Salary and pay for private schools for his children.

More sighs and loud applause.

Agnes Jones, age 68, stood and announced with a smile, "If the Vicar stays, I'll give him sex."

There was a stunned silence.
The Preacher, blushed beet red, then asked her, "Mrs Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?"
Agnes's husband Joe, was desperately trying to hide, his head.

His wife replied, "Well, I just asked my
husband how we could help, and he said, 'F**k the Vicar'.