Please put more jokes here

[BrilloPad]

> The Doctor
> A man went to a plastic surgeon to get work done on his dick. The doctor,
> curious, asked what had happened to it. "Well," the patient said, "I live
> in a trailer camp. A gorgeous buxom creature lives in the trailer next to
> mine.
> I used to peek into her trailer and I saw that she had a habit. Each
> afternoon she would take a hot dog from her refrigerator and put it in a
> hole on her trailer floor. Then she'd sit on it and have a ball. She
> nearly drove me crazy.
> So I got a bright idea. One day I got under her trailer and when she slid
> the hot dog in the hole, I slid it out and slipped my dick up through the
> hole. She sat down on it and everything was going just great until there
> was a knock at the door."
> "And then?" said the doctor. "Aw hell," the patient explained,
> "That's when she tried to kick it under the stove."

[BrilloPad]

> Vibrator
> A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming
> from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door she found her
> daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.
> "What are you doing?" she exclaimed.
> The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and
> this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."
> Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound
> coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter
> naked on a sofa with her vibrator.
> "What are you doing?" he exclaimed.
> The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and
> this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."
> A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time
> in the living room. Upon entering the room, she found her husband watching
> television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.
> "What are you doing?" she asked.
> He replied, "Watching the game with my son-in-law."

[Chantho]

NOTIFICATION OF COMPULSORY ENLISTMENT

Under the Emergency Powers Act (1939) as amended by the Defence Act (1978), you are hereby notified that you are required to place yourself on standby for possible compulsory military service in the Iraq Conflict.

You may shortly be ordered to depart for the Middle East where you will either join the Third Battalion, The Queens Own Suicidal Conscripts or the Second Foot and Mouth.

Due to the recent rundown of the Navy and the refusal of P&O to lend us any of its liners, because of what it claims was due to the deplorable state in which they were returned after the Falklands adventure, it will be necessary for you to make your own way to the combat zone. HM Government has been able to negotiate a 20% discount on one way trips with Virgin Airlines and you are strongly urged to take advantage of this offer.

Because of cutbacks in Government expenditure in recent years it will be necessary for you to provide yourself with the following equipment as soon as possible:

* Combat Jacket
* Trousers (preferably khaki - but please no denim)
* Tin helmet
* Boots (or a pair of sturdy trainers)
* Gas mask
* Map of the combat zone (the ordnance survey 1:2800 Outdoor Leisure Map of Iraq will do)
* Rifle
* Ammunition (preferably to suit previous item)
* Suntan oil

If you are in a position to afford it, we would like you to buy a tank. (Vickers Defence of Banbury are currently offering all new conscripts a 0% finance deal on all X Registration Chieftains, but hurry, as offer is only available whilst stocks last).

We would like to reassure you that, in the unlikely event of anything going wrong, you will receive a free burial in the graveyard of your choice and your next of kin will be entitled to the new War Widows Pension of GBP1.75 per calendar month, index-linked but subject to means testing, and fully repayable should our side eventually lose.

There may be little time for formal military training before your departure and so we advise that you hire videos of the following films and try and pick up a few tips as you watch:

* The Guns of Navarone
* Kelly's Heroes
* A Bridge too Far
* The Longest Day
* Apocalypse Now
* The Matrix
* Blazing Saddles
* The Desert Song
* Mary Poppins

We do not recommend that you watch Khartoum or Zulu.

To prepare yourself mentally for your mission try reading the works of Wilfred Owen or Rupert Brooke. This should give you some idea of what may be involved.

Yours faithfully,


Geoffrey Hoon, Secretary of State for Defence.
A Bush - Blair Production
Sponsored by Mars, Pepsi and McDonalds. The Official Snacks of World War III

Amusing, but too close to the truth to LOL at....

[oracleslave]

An Australian, an Englishman and a South African are in a bar one night having a beer.

All of a sudden the South African drinks his beer, throws his glass in
the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces. "In Seth Efrika our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one
twice," he says.

The Aussie, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces. "Wull
mate, in Strailya Mate we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't need to drink out the same glass either," he says.

The Englander cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it,throws His glass in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the South African and the Australian.

He turns to the astonished barman and says,"In England we have so many South Africans and Australians we don't need to drink with the same ones twice"

[BrilloPad]

An Australian, an Englishman and a South African are in a bar one night having a beer.

All of a sudden the South African drinks his beer, throws his glass in
the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces. "In Seth Efrika our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one
twice," he says.

The Aussie, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces. "Wull
mate, in Strailya Mate we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't need to drink out the same glass either," he says.

The Englander cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it,throws His glass in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the South African and the Australian.

He turns to the astonished barman and says,"In England we have so many South Africans and Australians we don't need to drink with the same ones twice"

http://forums.contractoruk.com/397001-post504.html

[BrilloPad]

> Sex Therapy
> A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their
> sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he could not
> help them.
> The Browns came to see the doctor, and after giving them thorough physical
> exams, psychological exams, and various tests, he concluded, "Yes, I am
> happy to say that I believe I can help you. On your way home from my
> office, stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and some doughnuts.
> Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the
> floor until you make a bull's-eye in your wife's love canal. Then, on
> hands and knees, you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the
> grape using only your tongue.
> "Then, ma'am, you must take the doughnuts and, from across the room, toss
> them at your husband until you make a ringer around his love pole. Then,
> like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut."
> The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful.
> They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green, that they should see the good
> doctor. The doctor greeted the Greens and explained that he would not take
> the case unless he felt that he could help them. Then he conducted the
> same physical exams and the same battery of tests he had conducted on the
> Browns. After this was done and he'd briefly reviewed the results, he told
> the Greens the bad news. "I cannot help you, so I will not take your
> money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will ever be. I cannot
> help."
> The Greens pleaded with him. "You helped our friends the Browns. Now
> please, please help us."
> "Well, all right," the doctor said. "On your way home from the office,
> stop at the grocery store and buy some apples and a box of Cheerios...."
>

[BrilloPad]

So the chap working in a signal box on a branch line has a visitor.

"What do you do?" asked the visitor.
"Well, when a train is coming, I pull this lever and the points change
down the track."
"What happens if the lever doesn't work?"
"I go outside, insert a metal rod and move the points manually" replied
the signalman.
"And what if that doesn't work?"
"I ring my Uncle Alistair" he says.
"Why? Does he know about points?"
"No, but he's never seen a train crash."

[BrilloPad]

Two buffalo were standing on the range when a passing tourist
said, "Those are the mangiest, scruffiest, most moth-eaten,
miserable beasts I have ever seen."

One of the buffalo turned to the other and said, "You know,
I think I just heard a discouraging word."

[BrilloPad]

> His Willy
> An old man woke up in the middle of the night and found, to his utter
> astonishment, that his willy was as hard as a rock for the first time in
> two years. He shook his wife by the shoulder until she woke up and showed
> her his enormous pecker.
> "You see that thing, Honey?" he happily exclaimed. "What do you think we
> ought to do with it?"
> With one eye open, his wife replied, "Well, now that you've got all the
> wrinkles out, this might be a good time to wash it."

[BrilloPad]

> Marine Corps Gunnery Sergeant Joke
> A Marine Corps Gunnery Sergeant walks into a whore house and approaches
> the madam and says, "Ma'am, my name is Gunnery Sergeant Dick and I'm here
> for a woman!"
> The madam immediately escorts the Sergeant upstairs and selects the best
> call girl they have for him. Gunney Dick immediately disrobes and is
> standing with his hands on his hips while he looks at the prostitute
> awaiting him on the bed. He then says," My name is Gunnery Sergeant Dick,
> been in the God-lovin' Corps for thirty years, and I'm a master of my mind
> and body. DICK, ATTEN-SHUN!" Immediately, his dick becomes fully erect.
> The prostitute is in awe and asks him how he can do that. Gunney Dick
> replies, "Like I said, I've been in the United States Marine Corps thirty
> years, and I'm a master of my mind and body. DICK, AT EASE!" His dick
> immediately becomes flaccid.
> The prostitute still can't get over the control he has and asks him for
> another demonstration. Gunney Dick says, "DICK, ATTEN-SHUN!" He sports a
> raging hard-on once again and the follows this display of prowess with the
> command of "DICK, AT EASE." His dick goes limp once more.
> The prostitute still can't believe her eyes and asks for the demonstration
> yet again. Gunney Dick shouts, "DICK, ATTEN-SHUN!" His dick becomes
> immediately erect on command again. And then gives the following standard
> command, "DICK, AT EASE." Gunney Dick looks down, and to his amazement,
> his dick is still hard. He then says, "Apparently you didn't hear me,
> soldier! DICK, AT EASE!" Still, his dick is still fully erect. The Gunney
> is now fuming and says, "I'm going to tell you one more time, Mister!
> DICK, AT EASE!" Still no joy, his dick is still rock hard. Gunney yells
> "Sh!t" and moves to the side of the bed and starts to masturbate
> vigorously.
> The prostitute, puzzled, asks "What the hell is going on?"
> Gunney Dick replies, "This soldier disobeyed a direct order and I'm giving
> him a dishonorable discharge!!!"