Please put more jokes here

[BrilloPad]

A young soldier was making his first parachute jump.The corporal explained the procedure "You count toten and pull the first ripcord. If the chute doesn'topen, pull the second. That should do it. Then, afteryou land, there'll be a truck waiting to pick you up."The soldier checked his gear, called out the customary"Geronimo!" and jumped out of the plane. He counted toten and pulled the ripcord. The chute failed to open.He pulled the second ripcord and the chute still didn'topen. As he plummeted downward, he said, "I'll bet thatgoddamn truck won't be there either!"

[LondonManc]

Teacher: "If I have 32 chocolate bars and eat 27 of them, what have I got?"
Pupil: "Diabetes?"

[BrilloPad]

Jesus Christ is dying on the cross, his disciples are gathered around, crying. Peter looks up and notices that Jesus seems to be calling him, "Peter, come hither!" Immediately Peter rushes over to the cross, only to be hit severely over the head by the roman guard. He gets on his feet again and wants to return to the other disciples when he hears Jesus calling again, "Peter, come hither!" So, again Peter tries to climb the cross to get to his lord, when the roman soldier draws his sword and chops Peter's arm off. Peter is getting a little pissed and wants to go back to his buddies, but again Jesus summons.

The roman guard can't believe that Peter is trying yet AGAIN to climb to the cross, and chops off another arm. Peter is now covered in blood and demented from the blow to the head and wants to call it a day. Jesus hoarsly croaks, "Peter, please, come to me!" By now, the roman gurad is tired of chopping limbs, so he lets Peter be.

The faithful disciple struggles to climb the cross (without arms mind you) and after a long while he finally arrives at his Lord's side. Hurting, suffering, bleeding, Peter looks into his Master's eyes and asks, "yes, my Lord. What is it?" Jesus smiles lovingly and looks off into the distance as a weak smile plays across his face,

"Look Peter, I can see your house from here!"

[LondonManc]

Jesus is talking to John the Baptist, planning his second coming.
"I think I'll give west coast America a go," says Jesus. "Weather's not bad, bit of water to walk on, plenty of deviants, desert at hand, pay's decent."
John replied, "why not go back to the Middle East? The ISIS trouble is being pushed into northern Syria, you're familiar with the area and the pay's better."
"Well, I might do if the rate's right, but there's no chance I'm working in Israel again. Last time I was there I was hammered with tacks."

[greenlake]

[LondonManc]

My wife said that she'd spice things up in the bedroom by dressing up as my favourite Star Wars character.
I walked in an hour later and said, "Jabba the Hutt isn't my favourite character."
Turns out she hadn't got ready yet and I'm having to play Hand Solo tonight.

[shaunbhoy]

As a genuine connoisseur, I know the importance of treating wine with respect all the way through the drinking process, from carton to mug....and a straw.

[shaunbhoy]

I'm tired of hearing about how the downturn in the economy has hit hard-working families and individuals.

What about us lazy fookers?

[shaunbhoy]

An old couple at the breakfast table, old woman says, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were 50 years ago". Old man says, "Of course they are, one is in your coffee, the other is in your porridge".

[LondonManc]

A Rottweiler is on the loose in a Manchester park and sinks its teeth into a kiddy's leg.
A teenager runs over, picking up a brick on the way and hits it on the head, killing it.

All the while, a local newspaper reporter is watching, fascinated. As the youth nurse's the kids leg, the journo starts writing:
'City fan heroically saves tot from vicious dog', asking the lad, "Are you a City fan?"
"No," comes the reply.
The reporter scribbles the headline out and writes 'United fan stops child being mauled by Rottweiler'. "You must be a United fan," the journalist declares.
"Oh no, I'm a Liverpool fan," replies the hero, to which the report changes his headline to:
'Scouse bastard brutally murders family pet.'