Please put more jokes here

[vetran]

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.

The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says:
"HEBREWS"

[vetran]

Dear Abby,
I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision. I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.

The usual signs... phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."

I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the drive. Although I can hear a car driving off, as if she has gotten out of the car round the corner. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a taxi? I once picked her cell phone up just to see what time it was and she went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her.

Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her.

I decided I was going to park my Harley Davidson motorcycle next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my Harley, that I noticed that the valve covers on my engine seemed to be leaking a little oil.

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer?

Thanks,
Bob

[SimonMac]

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.

Officer: Don’t have one?

Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

Officer: I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Woman: I can’t do that.

Officer: Why not?

Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle
please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma’am?

Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The first officer is stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma’am, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Woman: Betcha the lying bastard told you I was speeding too.

[Alias]

An engineer, a physicist and a programmer are driving in the mountains. Suddenly, the brakes fail and the car starts speeding up on a steep downgrade. Luckily, the engineer (who is driving) manages to slow it down by scraping along the guardrail, bringing it to a stop before a dangerously sharp curve. They all get out to inspect the damage.

The engineer pops open the hood, has a look and says, "No problem - I can fix this with my Swiss Army knife in about an hour."
The physicist says, "There's no need for that, I calculate that if we keep in first gear we won't need the brakes to get down to the next town."
The programmer: "Before we change anything, let's just push the car up the hill and see if it happens again."

[SimonMac]

A teacher is talking to her class and ask's what is the biggest word they know, little Johnny chirps up with "Masterbation", the teach taken back say's wow that is a mouthful, to which Jonny replies "No miss, thats a blow job"

[Goatfell]

A blonde got a job in quality control at the M&M factory. Only lasted an hour - she was chucking out all the ones with a W on them

[Alias]

A bra and some jump-leads walked into a bar.

The barman says, "I'm not serving you two! You're off your t!ts and your mate looks like she's gonna start something!"

[Alias]

Sad news from the Nestle factory today as a man was crushed to death by hundreds of boxes of chocolate. He tried in vain to attract attention, but every time he yelled 'The Milky Bars are on me!' people just cheered!

[Alias]

"What am I supposed to do with this?" grumbled a motorist as the policeman handed him a speeding ticket.
"Keep it," the policeman said, "when you collect four of them you get a bicycle."

[Alias]

A guy is walking on a deserted beach, just minding his own business when suddenly he hears a voice. "STOP!"

He looks all around and there's not a soul in sight. He shrugs and starts to take a step and the voice shouts STOP!

He looks around again, still nobody is sight, no place for anybody to hide nearby. The voice says "dig". So he gets on his knees and starts to dig in the sand. After just a minute, he uncovers a small metal box. Inside the box he finds bundles of twenty and fifty euro bills, about €190,000 more or less.

The guy looks around again, shocked at the events, still there is no sign of any living thing around.

The voice says "airport".

The guy walks back to town, catches a bus to the airport and as he walks into the terminal, the voice says "Vegas".

The voice is silent during the flight, and still silent as the guy takes a taxi to the strip. As the taxi drives by Caesar's Palace, the voice says "here".

He walks into the casino and looks around, the voice says "blackjack".

He goes to a table and wonders how much he should bet and the voice says "all".

*Shrug*

All the money on one hand, and he gets dealt an ace and a five while the dealer shows a jack. The voice says "hit". He draws a three. The voice says "hit". He draws a king. Once more the voice says "HIT" and the dealer turns over a seven...
and the voice says "tulip"