Please put more jokes here

[ASB]

Did you read that there's an investigation going on into what has been described as "an unusual and baffling betting pattern"?

Someone put a bet on Australia to win the 5th test.

[vetran]

Abe was due a visit from the Inland Revenue inspector to go through some discrepancies in his accounts. Should he dress up or down for the meeting? He just didn't know what was best so he asked both his accountant and his lawyer for their views.

His accountant told him, "Wear your worst clothes, shmattas even, and an old pair of shoes. Make him believe you're very poor."

But his lawyer told him, "Wear your smartest suit with a good shirt, expensive tie and nice cuff-links. That way you won't be intimidated."

Abe was confused and went to see his Rabbi about the conflicting advice he had been given.

"Let me answer your dilemma with a story," said the Rabbi. "A woman, about to marry, asked her mother what she should wear on her wedding night. Her mother replied, 'Put on a long nightgown that goes right up to your neck and wear woollen socks.' But when the woman asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. 'Put on your sexiest, most see-through negligee.' "

"I don't understand, Rabbi. What does this have to do with my interview with the Inland Revenue?" asked Abe.

"It means that it doesnt matter what you wear," replied the Rabbi, "you're going to get screwed anyway."

[vetran]

After a visit to a massage parlour, a man discovers a painful lump on his willy, so he goes to see his GP.

"I'm afraid this is serious," the doctor says after examining him. "You know how rugby players get cauliflower ear?"

"Yes," the man replies shakily.

"Well," the doctor continues, "you've got a brothel sprout."

[vetran]

hall we say. In fact, it's 25 inches long and he can't get any women to have sex with him.

The doctor says there's nothing he can do medically, but sends him to see a Witch that he thinks might be able to help.

The Witch takes a look at the problem and tells him to go to a particular pond, deep in the forest, and talk to a frog that lives there. "Ask the frog to marry you and each time the frog says no, you'll be 5 inches shorter."

Worth a try, he thinks, and off he dashes into the forest. He finds the pond and sees the frog on the other side, sitting on a log.

"Will you marry me?" he calls to the frog.

The frog looks at him, disinterested at best, and calls back, "No!"

The guy looks down, sure enough, he's 5 inches shorter. Hey this is great, he thinks, let's try that again.

"Will you marry me?" he asks the frog.

The frog rolls his eyes, and shouts back again, "No!"

Twitch - the guy's down to 15 inches. Well, that's still a bit excessive, he thinks. Down another 5 would be perfect.

So he calls across again, "Will you marry me?"

The frog yells back, "Look, how many times do I have to tell you? No! No! No!"

[vetran]

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar. The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming.

"What's all the screaming about in there?" he yells. "You're scaring my customers!"

"I'm just sitting here on the toilet," slurs the drunk, "and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my nuts."

The bartender opens the door, looks in, and says, "You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"

[EternalOptimist]

Someone pulls the emergency cord on the train, and the guard and the inspector can find nothing wrong, so they start hunting for the prankster.
They eventually track it down to one of the bogs, and find that there is still someone in there

'Did you pull the emergency cord ?'
'YES'
'Why, is the train in danger ?'
'no'
'Why then?'
'Ive got piles'
'Well IVE got piles, but I dont go round pulling the communication cord'
'Well yours aren't wrapped around an axle on this fkng train!!'

[lightng]

I sat opposite this gorgeous thai bird on the train tonight. I thought to myself "Please don't have an erection. Please don't have an erection" ... but she did.

[Spacecadet]

Did you hear about the dyslexic pimp?
He bought a warehouse

[shaunbhoy]

Science v Irish Pride

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Brits, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York Times: “American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 100 years earlier than the British”.

One week later, the Irish Department of Agriculture reported the following:

“After digging as deep as 30 feet near Ballyhaunis, Co Mayo, Mick O’Connor, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely f** all.

Mick therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Ireland had already gone wireless.”

Just makes you fierce proud to be Irish

[TestMangler]

Went in to Boots today to buys some painkillers and some bint with a clipboard asked if I minded answering a few questions about my shopping habits.

She asked me what were my favourite three grooming products.....

I said......Facebook, Sweeties & Puppies