• Visitors can check out the Forum FAQ by clicking this link. You have to register before you can post: click the REGISTER link above to proceed. To start viewing messages, select the forum that you want to visit from the selection below. View our Forum Privacy Policy.
  • Want to receive the latest contracting news and advice straight to your inbox? Sign up to the ContractorUK newsletter here. Every sign up will also be entered into a draw to WIN £100 Amazon vouchers!

Please put more jokes here

  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

    A sexually active woman told her plastic surgeon that she wanted her labia reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.

    Awakening from the anaesthesia after the surgery, she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately
    calls in the doctor.

    'I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!'

    The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him: 'I felt sad because you went
    through this all by yourself.'

    'The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had had the same procedure done some time ago.'

    'And what about the third rose ?' she asked.

    'That's from a man upstairs in the burns unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears'


      A man goes to visit his father who moved into a care home.

      "How are you finding it dad?"

      "Wonderful son! The nurse was giving me a bed bath when I got an erection! She saw it, jumped on the bed, and screwed my brains out!"

      2 days later he returns to the care home to visit his father;

      "Things still going well dad?" he asks.

      "No they are not! I fell over this morning and ended up on all fours. The gay male nurse whipped my trousers down and buggered me to within an inch of my life!"

      "Dad, you have to take the rough with the smooth"

      "Thats fair enough son, but I get and erection once every 3 months, and I fall over 4 times a day!"


        Always be careful when having phone sex, it can lead to hearing aids.


          I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB.

          That was a trip down memory lane
          "Wait, I still function!"


            Last year, I went to America on a mountain climbing holiday. I had an accident, and fell 30ft. I broke both my legs and was bleeding heavily.
            I managed to make it to a road, where I flagged down a car which drove me to the hospital.
            I crawled into the waiting room, and two nurses ran over to me.
            "Oh my God, are you alright?" one of them shouted.
            I said, "I'm absolutely fine, why do you ask?" before passing out.

            After waking up in the same spot 6 hours later, I realised there's a time and a place for sarcasm.
            "Wait, I still function!"


              Joke thread

              Hopefully not a repeat.

              2 nuns in the bath, one says to the other "Where's the soap", she replies, "yes it does doesn't it"
              Never has a man been heard to say on his death bed that he wishes he'd spent more time in the office.


                Originally posted by Scrag Meister View Post
                Hopefully not a repeat.

                2 nuns in the bath, one says to the other "Where's the soap", she replies, "yes it does doesn't it"
                Better luck next time....

                Still Invoicing


                  I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.


                    What cheese do you use to start a fight with a bear - camembert


                      I got hit by a rental car today. ******* Hertz.