Please put more jokes here

[NotAllThere]

Wifey: Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?

Me: No

Wifey: How about now?

[vetran]

For the good Doctor Strangelove

'...People say I'm a hoarder.

Not true, because you never know when someone will call round with a Nokia 2160 and needs to connect to a fax machine.'

[vetran]

For her birthday my wife wanted a framed photograph of our dog in the river.

I think it would make more sense on a wall, personally.

[vetran]

I'm going to have to quit smoking, it just cost me £30 to fill up my zippo lighter !

[vetran]

Do rednecks only subscribe to OnlyFams?

[vetran]

I'm the best Elvis impersonator in town.

I can't sing a note, but I had sixteen cheeseburgers for breakfast.

[vetran]

Prince William spotted selling Big Issue in London.

Pretty harsh that he's doing his uncle's community service for him.

[vetran]

'...Prince William spotted selling Big Issue in central London.

He's just saving the spot for his younger brother Harry, for when Netflix bin him and he's got no income.'

[vetran]

'....DEEP THOUGHT OF THE DAY:

When you clean out a vacuum cleaner...

YOU become a vacuum cleaner.'

[vetran]

A Hollywood star asked if he could buy me a drink with some of the profits from one of his films.

Tom Cruise offered me a Reacher round.