My cock is so big it's in the Guinness book of records.
Library staff have just phoned the police.
Library staff have just phoned the police.
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I've just had hot sex with my bird.
Probably should've waited for the chicken to cool down in fairness.Comment
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I don't like drinking someone else's brew.
It's not my cup of tea.Comment
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What's the difference between a pack of wild dogs and a group of Trump supporters?
The dogs don't make the dumbest one leader.Comment
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The phone rang. It was BBC Radio 1.
"Congratulations," the voice burbled. "You are live on air, and if you can answer this maths question, you will win our prize!"
"Maths question?" I said excitedly. "I did 4 Unit maths for the HSC and also studied it at university, for part of my degree! Give me the question!"
"Great! What is 100 divided by four? If you get it right, you get two tickets to the upcoming Justin Bieber concert, and get to meet him back-stage!"
"Oh," said I. "Is it 13.53?"Comment
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I asked my wife, “I’m stuck on a crossword clue—Overworked Postman— can you help me?”
She said, “Sure. How many letters?”
I said, “I’m guessing—too many.”
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Called the vets this morning...
Me: "Hello, I need to make an appointment for my pet Ostrich."
Vet: "Ok what's the problem?"
Me: "He's holding his head to one side."
Vet: "Hmm, maybe neck's weak?"
Me: "Haven't you got anything sooner?"Comment
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If you get an email from me about boiled meat, don't open it, its Spam.Comment
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Starbucks is starting to offer free drinks during funerals.
They acknowledged the need for mourning coffees.Comment
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I got a phone call this morning..
"I understand (from your advert) that you're selling a Python, is it very big?"
"Certainly is," I replied.
"Great!" he said with huge enthusiasm.
"How many feet?"
"None," I replied.
"It's a Snake.."Comment
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