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Please put more jokes here

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    Got a new tyre fitted today and the mechanic asked for a box of Cadbury's chocolates as payment.
    It was a Goodyear for the Roses.
    "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

    I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

    Comment


      With all the recent celebrity deaths I'm worried about Mark Knopfler.


      Somebody told me he was in dire straits.
      "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

      I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

      Comment


        I was going to post a 'time travel' joke, but most of you voted it down.
        "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

        I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

        Comment


          Yesterday, the wife swore she saw a cockroach in the kitchen. She disinfected everything and thoroughly cleaned the whole area.


          Today, before going to work, I've put the cockroach in the bathroom.
          "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

          I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

          Comment


            God “Here Moses, here’s those Ten Commandments, try not to break any of them this time or the consequences will be serious !”


            Several centuries later


            God “Hello Mary, is Joseph home ?”
            Mary, a bit stunned by the visitation, “er..er..no”
            God “OK, move over a bit”


            And so it came to pass.
            "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

            I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

            Comment


              Being a parent is hard work..


              I'm trying to teach my son that 'vagina' isn't so rude a word... but he still needs to find a different name for his hamster.
              "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

              I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

              Comment


                My mate's got a hold of this counterfeit COVID-19 vaccine, charging £40 a go.


                It's gone viral, he's making an absolute killing.
                "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

                I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

                Comment


                  My girlfriend said she wanted a puppy for her birthday, so I got her one.


                  The next morning she saw me loading it into the back of my car and said, "Hey. Where are you going?"


                  I said, "I'm sending him back."


                  "Sending him back!" she yelled. "Why?"


                  I said, "It's not your birthday any more."
                  "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

                  I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

                  Comment


                    It's just come to light how Sean Connery's family knew he was dead. They shook him, but he never stirred.
                    "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

                    I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

                    Comment


                      Anyone know a cure for sex addiction?


                      I've tried f**king everything.
                      "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

                      I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

                      Comment

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