Please put more jokes here

[vetran]

Got a new tyre fitted today and the mechanic asked for a box of Cadbury's chocolates as payment.
It was a Goodyear for the Roses.

[vetran]

With all the recent celebrity deaths I'm worried about Mark Knopfler.


Somebody told me he was in dire straits.

[vetran]

I was going to post a 'time travel' joke, but most of you voted it down.

[vetran]

Yesterday, the wife swore she saw a cockroach in the kitchen. She disinfected everything and thoroughly cleaned the whole area.


Today, before going to work, I've put the cockroach in the bathroom.

[vetran]

God “Here Moses, here’s those Ten Commandments, try not to break any of them this time or the consequences will be serious !”


Several centuries later


God “Hello Mary, is Joseph home ?”
Mary, a bit stunned by the visitation, “er..er..no”
God “OK, move over a bit”


And so it came to pass.

[vetran]

Being a parent is hard work..


I'm trying to teach my son that 'vagina' isn't so rude a word... but he still needs to find a different name for his hamster.

[vetran]

My mate's got a hold of this counterfeit COVID-19 vaccine, charging £40 a go.


It's gone viral, he's making an absolute killing.

[vetran]

My girlfriend said she wanted a puppy for her birthday, so I got her one.


The next morning she saw me loading it into the back of my car and said, "Hey. Where are you going?"


I said, "I'm sending him back."


"Sending him back!" she yelled. "Why?"


I said, "It's not your birthday any more."

[vetran]

It's just come to light how Sean Connery's family knew he was dead. They shook him, but he never stirred.

[vetran]

Anyone know a cure for sex addiction?


I've tried f**king everything.