Please put more jokes here

[LondonManc]

If you're drowning and your life flashes before your eyes, concentrate hard on the bit where you had swimming lessons.

[vetran]

Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Cash.
Cash who?
I knew you were a nut!

[vetran]

A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write a letter to the Lord requesting the $100.
When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to the Lord, USA, they decided to send it to the President . The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill, as this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00, and sat down to write a thank-you note to the Lord. It said: Dear Lord, Thank you very much for sending me the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington, DC and as usual, those jerks deducted $95.

[vetran]

Johnny collected lots of money from trick or treating and he went to the candy store to buy some chocolate.
“You should give that money to charity”, said the shopkeeper.


“No, I’ll buy the chocolate. YOU give the money to charity!”

[vetran]

A Stockbroker walks into the dentist and asks for a quote for getting a tooth pulled out.
‘Well,’ said the dentist, ‘That depends on the level of service. If you want to go private we can give you the very best and latest in dental treatment. We get an anesthetist in from the local hospital, and I get two very skilled, and pretty, dental nurses to help out. Guaranteed no pain, no blood.’
‘Sounds good,’ said the man, ‘how much?’
‘£200 per tooth.’
‘That’s extortionate!’
‘Well,’ said the dentist, ‘We can give you standard NHS treatment. I do the anaesthetic myself – no nurses. You get a little bit of pain and a little bit of blood, but it’ll only cost you £20.’
‘No, that’s still too dear. Can you not do it a bit cheaper?’
‘Tell you what,’ said the dentist, getting angry, ‘I could get a pair of pliers from B&Q and do a homer for you. No anaesthetic. Guaranteed very painful – lots of blood. Your mouth will hurt for three months and you’ll struggle to talk for at least two. I’d do it for £5 and take pleasure in it.’
‘OK, you got yourself a deal… book my wife in for next Tuesday.’

[vetran]

Johnny, if you had 5$ and you asked your father for 3$ more, how many dollars would you have?
– I would have five dollars…
– You don’t know your arithmetic, Johnny…
– You don’t know my father, Mrs. Mutch…

[vetran]

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?!
-Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes

[vetran]

George Bush, Barack Obama and Donald Trump are going for a job interview with God.
God asks Bush: “What do you believe in?”
Bush replies: “I believe in a free economy, a strong America, the American nation and so on …”
God is impressed by Bush and tells him: “Great, come sit on the chair on my right.”
God goes to Obama and asks: “What do you believe in?”
Obama replies: “I believe in democracy, helping the poor, world peace, etc. …”
God is really impressed by Obama and tells him: “Well done, come sit on the chair on my left.”
Finally, God asks Trump: “What do you believe in”?
Trump replies: “I believe you’re sitting on my chair.”

[vetran]

What are the strongest days of the week?
-Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.

[vetran]

Who would survive if Trump and Clinton both were stranded on a island?
-America