Please put more jokes here

[BrilloPad]

A bloke in a wheelchair enters 'Stars In Their Eyes' and goes on stage
to Matthew, who asks him his name, to which he answers 'Simon'
"and why are you in this wheelchair?" asks Matthew.
"Well, two years ago my uncle and I were involved in a car crash.
My uncle was killed instantaneously and I was trapped for 6 hours before the
emergency services could cut me free. Unfortunately they had to
amputate both my legs. The good news was that they managed to save my uncles
legs and transplant them onto me, and in 6 months the doctors tell me I
should be walking.
"Excellent" says Matthew, "and who have you come as tonight?"
"Tonight, I'm going to be........Simon & Halfuncle"

[BrilloPad]

Eminem's tour of Australia is to go ahead despite concerns about a
sickening attitude to women, appallingly obscene language, an
irresponsible attitude to sex and violence and of course, the
dungarees. But Eminem said despite these shocking idiosyncrasies he
was willing to judge Australians for himself.

[BrilloPad]

Three men are sitting in the maternity ward of a
hospital waiting for the imminent birth of their
respective children.

One is an Englishman, one a Welshman and the other
a Jamaican. They are all very nervous and pacing
the floor.

All of a sudden the doctor bursts through the double
doors saying "Gentlemen you won't believe this but
your wives have all had their babies within 5 minutes
of each other."

The men are beside themselves with happiness and joy.
"And", said the doctor, "They have all had little
boys."

The fathers are ecstatic and congratulate each other
over and over. "However we do have one slight problem,
" the doctor said. "In all the confusion we may have
mixed the babies up getting them to the nursery and
would be grateful if you could join us there to try
and help identify them."

With that the Englishman raced past the doctor and
bolted to the nursery.Once inside he picked up a
dark skinned infant saying, "There's no doubt about
it, this boy is mine!"

The doctor looked bewildered and said, "Well sir
of all the babies I would have thought that maybe
this child could be of Jamaican descent."

"True", said the Englishman, "but one of the
other two is Welsh and I'm not taking the risk."

[BrilloPad]

This chain letter was developed by virile men in order to make
their sex life even more fantastic.

As opposed to normal chain letters, this one costs nothing,
and you can only win.

Simply send this e-mail to 9 of your best friends who are
just as virile as you. Then anaesthetise your wife/girlfriend,
put her in a large carton (don't forget some ventilation
holes), and send it to the person who is at the top of your
list. Soon, your name will be at the top of the list, and you
will receive 823,542 women through the post.

Statistically, among those women, will be at least:

0.5 miss worlds
2.5 models
463 wild nymphos
3,234 good-looking nymphos
20,198 who enjoy multiple orgasms
40,198 bi-sexual women

In total, that is 64,294 women who are simply hornier, less
inhibited, and tastier than the grumpy old bag you posted off.
And, best of all, your original package is guaranteed not to
be one of those that come back to you.

DO NOT BREAK THIS CHAIN LETTER

One bloke for example who sent the letter to only 5 instead
of 9 of his friends got his original bird back, still in the
old dressing gown he sent her off in, with the same old
migraine attack, and the accusatorial expression on her face.
On the same day, the international supermodel he'd been living
with since he sent off his old girlfriend moved out to live
with his best friend (to whom he had not sent the chain
letter).

While I am sending this letter, the bloke that is in 6th place
above me has already received 837 women and is lying in
hospital suffering from exhaustion. Outside his ward are 452
more packages.

YOU MUST BELIEVE THIS E-MAIL

This is a unique opportunity to achieve a totally satisfying
sex life. No expensive meals out, no lengthy conversations
about trivialities (that only interest women) just so that you
can screw her. No obligations, no grumpy mother-in-law, and no
unpleasant surprises like marriage or engagement. Do not
hesitate: send this letter today to at least 9 of your friends.


PS. This letter can also be copied to women you know so that
they can prepare themselves for the great adventure that they
may soon undertake.

[BrilloPad]

1. 'E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should
be
used only for company business.'
(Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)

2. 'As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building
using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday
and
employees will receive their cards in two weeks.'
(Microsoft Corp. in Redmond, WA.)

3. 'What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will
encounter.'
(Lykes Lines Shipping)

4. 'This project is so important, we can't let things that are more
important interfere with it.'
(Advertising/Marketing Manager, United Parcel Service)

5. 'Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule.'
(Anon)

6. 'No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been
working on it for months. Now, go act busy for few weeks and I'll let
you
know when it's time to tell them.'
(R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)

[BrilloPad]

Any Man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and
eaten by his fellow partygoers.

Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
a. When a heroic dog dies to save it's master
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse
c. After wrecking your boss' car.
d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
e. When your Date is using her teeth

Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out
of jail within 12 hours.

If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits
forever, unless you actually marry her.

The minimum amount of time you have to wait for a guy who's running
late is 5 minutes. Maximum waiting time: 6 minutes. For a girl, you have
to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic
1-10 scale.

Bitching about the brand of free beer in a Mate's fridge is forbidden.
Gripe at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man
(in fact, even remembering your Mate's birthday is strictly optional).

On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the
weakest.

While your girlfriend must bond with your Mates' girlfriends within 30
minutes of meeting them, you are not required to make nice with her
gal pals' significant d*ck-heads--- low level sports bonding is all the
law requires
(sorry ladies, it's called a double standard and we drew the short
straw on that one).

When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may
always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask
who's playing.

You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her
to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of
flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

It is permissible to quaff a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning
on a tropical beach....and it's delivered by a topless supermodel...and
it's free.

Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem---you didn't see nothin'.

Women who claim the "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies
until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink
as much beer as the other sports watchers.

You must offer heartfelt and public condolences over the death of a
girlfriend's cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and threw
it into a ceiling fan.

A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain
sober enough to fight.

Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza,
but not both. That's just plain mean.

If you complement a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about
his choice of beer.

Never join your girlfriend or wife in dissing a Mate of yours, except
if she's withholding sex pending your response.

Phrases that may not be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
a. Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c. Another set and we can hit the showers!
d. Nice Ass, are you a Sagittarius?

Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: both
urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an
almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

Never allow a conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are
able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone; Hang up if
necessary.

The morning after you and a babe who was formerly "just a friend" have
carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty
is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about what a big
mistake it was.

[BrilloPad]

On having business trip to the Orient, Joe decided to spend his last
night
having wild sex with a Chinese prostitute in Hong Kong.

Upon returning home three weeks later, he noticed a very weird, green,
festering sore growing on his penis.

He went to the doctor, Doctor Jones, who, after hearing of his Orient
trip
and extracurricular activities, told him he had Hong Kong Dong and the
only
cure was complete amputation.

Joe was horrified, and decided to get a second opinion.

Joe contacted Doctor Smith and showed him the green growth.

Doctor Smith said, 'I am sorry but Doctor Jones is correct. We must
amputate
right away.'

Joe could not accept this. His friend suggested that he visit an
oriental
doctor. They must deal with this all the time.

He went to Doctor Chu Wong.

Doctor Wong agreed with the diagnosis of Hong Kong Dong, but said,
'These
Western doctors - so quick to Chop, Chop, Chop. Amputation not
necessary'

Joe was relieved. Doctor Wong said, 'You wait three weeks and it fall
off on
its own.'

[BrilloPad]

A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect,they end up
leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his
apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with teddy
bears. Hundreds of teddy bears all set up neatly around the room - small
bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones on a shelf a
little higher, and huge bears on the top shelf along the wall. The woman is
kind of surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears,
especially one that's so extensive, but she thinks it's kind of cute and
decides not to mention this to him.

She turns to him, they kiss and then immediately have their way with each
other. After an intense amount of passion, they are lying there together in
the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well,so how was
it?"

The bloke says, "You can have any prize from the bottom shelf."

[BrilloPad]

A baby was born so advanced in development he could talk.

He looked around the delivery room and saw the doctor. "Are you my
doctor?" he asked.

"Why, yes, I am," said the doctor.

The baby said, "Thank you for taking such good care of me during the
birth."

He looked at his mother and asked, "Are you my mother?"

"Yes, dear, I am," said the mother beaming.

"Thank you for taking such good care of me before I was born," he
said.

He then looked at his father and asked, "Are you my father?"

"Yes, I am," his father proudly answered.

The baby motioned him closer, then poked him on the forehead with his
index finger. "Hurts, doesn't it!"

[BrilloPad]

Alex Ferguson calls David Beckham into his office.

'David,' he says, 'I'm worried about your performance the last
few games. You've been hopeless, completely off form.'

'Sorry, boss', says David. 'I've not been myself lately. I've
got a few problems at home.'

'Oh dear,' says Ferguson, pretending to care. 'What's up? Posh
and Brooklyn okay?'

'Oh they're fine', says David. 'It's just that something's
really bugging me and I'm losing sleep and everything. I can't
concentrate on my football and it's really messing me up.'

'Whatever's the matter, David?' says Fergie.

'Well, boss', says David, 'it's pretty serious. You see I'm
really stuck on this jigsaw and...'

'A jigsaw?!!!' shouts Alex. 'You're fu**ing up every time you
play because of a bloody jigsaw?!!!'

'Yeah, boss, but you don't understand, it's really doing my head
in!' says David in that horrible whining voice. It's really hard
and it's this picture of a tiger and it looks really good on the
box and I'm sure I've got all the bits and everything but I just
can't get it right and it's doing my head in and I even had my
hair cut to try and cool my brain down and...'

'David, David, David,' says Ferguson. 'You've got to get a grip.
It's affecting our games and nothing is as important as
Manchester United's success, other than Roy Keane's wages,
obviously.'

'Yeah, boss,' says David, 'but it's this picture of a tiger and
it looks really good on the box and I really want to finish it
but it's really hard and it's doing my head in and it's this
picture.. and it's a tiger and it's hard.... and I can't make
the bits fit and, er, it's really hard, er, boss and, er, it's
a tiger, er,... on the box...er...boss.'

Ferguson waits until even Beckham realises he's repeating
himself and has got nothing else to say - which took a bit
longer than usual.

'David,' he says, with that conceited, irritating, smug smile
he uses for self-congratulatory post-match interviews. 'Bring
the tiger jigsaw in and let's have a look at it. For Christ's
sake, we've got to get you back to playing football.'

'Oh thanks, boss,' says David, 'that'd be really helpful 'cos
it's really hard and it's a picture of a tiger and it's doing
my head in, that tiger is.'

So David brings the jigsaw into Ferguson's office.

'Here it is, boss.' he says, showing Ferguson the picture on the
box. 'Look, boss, it's this tiger, right, and it's a really good
picture and everything but I just can't do it and it's really
hard and it's doing my head in and it's this picture here of a
tiger,' and Beckham empties all the pieces from the box all over
Ferguson's desk. Ferguson looks at what's on his desk and the
faint dusty cloud now hanging over it. He looks up and says.....





'David, put the Frosties back in the box and flip off.'