Please put more jokes here

[BrilloPad]

NOTIFICATION OF COMPULSORY ENLISTMENT

Under the Emergency Powers Act (1939) as amended by the Defence Act (1978), you are hereby notified that you are required to place yourself on standby for possible compulsory military service in the Iraq Conflict.

You may shortly be ordered to depart for the Middle East where you will either join the Third Battalion, The Queens Own Suicidal Conscripts or the Second Foot and Mouth.

Due to the recent rundown of the Navy and the refusal of P&O to lend us any of its liners, because of what it claims was due to the deplorable state in which they were returned after the Falklands adventure, it will be necessary for you to make your own way to the combat zone. HM Government has been able to negotiate a 20% discount on one way trips with Virgin Airlines and you are strongly urged to take advantage of this offer.

Because of cutbacks in Government expenditure in recent years it will be necessary for you to provide yourself with the following equipment as soon as possible:

* Combat Jacket
* Trousers (preferably khaki - but please no denim)
* Tin helmet
* Boots (or a pair of sturdy trainers)
* Gas mask
* Map of the combat zone (the ordnance survey 1:2800 Outdoor Leisure Map of Iraq will do)
* Rifle
* Ammunition (preferably to suit previous item)
* Suntan oil

If you are in a position to afford it, we would like you to buy a tank. (Vickers Defence of Banbury are currently offering all new conscripts a 0% finance deal on all X Registration Chieftains, but hurry, as offer is only available whilst stocks last).

We would like to reassure you that, in the unlikely event of anything going wrong, you will receive a free burial in the graveyard of your choice and your next of kin will be entitled to the new War Widows Pension of GBP1.75 per calendar month, index-linked but subject to means testing, and fully repayable should our side eventually lose.

There may be little time for formal military training before your departure and so we advise that you hire videos of the following films and try and pick up a few tips as you watch:

* The Guns of Navarone
* Kelly's Heroes
* A Bridge too Far
* The Longest Day
* Apocalypse Now
* The Matrix
* Blazing Saddles
* The Desert Song
* Mary Poppins

We do not recommend that you watch Khartoum or Zulu.

To prepare yourself mentally for your mission try reading the works of Wilfred Owen or Rupert Brooke. This should give you some idea of what may be involved.

Yours faithfully,


Geoffrey Hoon, Secretary of State for Defence.
A Bush - Blair Production
Sponsored by Mars, Pepsi and McDonalds. The Official Snacks of World War III

[BrilloPad]

A man calls his lawyers office.
When the receptionist answers the phone he asks to speak to Mr. Taylor,
his lawyer.

The receptionist replies, "I'm sorry, but Mr. Taylor died last week."
The man says nothing and hangs up the phone.

The next day he calls the office and again asks for Mr. Taylor.
The receptionist says, "Sir, I told you yesterday that Mr. Taylor has
died."
The man again says nothing and hangs up the phone.

The next day he calls the office again and asks for his lawyer.
The receptionist gets angry and says "Sir, I have told you for two days
that Mr. Taylor has passed away.
Why do you continue to call?!"

The man then answers "I like hearing good news when I call my lawyers office."

[BrilloPad]

In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world. He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong.

Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man seated at the bar who had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West in his day. The young cowboy took the seat next to the old-timer, bought him a drink, and told him the story of his great ambition.

"Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked.

The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.

"Sure will," said the old-timer.

The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.

"That's terrific!" said the cowboy, "Got any more tips for me?"

"Yep," said the old man, "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the younger man.

"You bet it will," said the old-timer.

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and shot a cufflink off the piano player.

"Wow!" said the cowboy; "I'm learnin' somethin' here - got any more tips?"

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it."

The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.

"No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.

"No," said the old timer, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playin' the piano, he's going to shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much.

[BrilloPad]

Stephen Spielberg is casting for a new film based around the great composers. Anyway to give the film a twist and some "oomph" he decides to cast the parts to the great action heroes of today. He calls Stallone, Arnie, Bruce Willis and Seagal into his office to hear who they would like to play:

"Well," started Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart. I would love to play him."
"Chopin has always been my favourite, and my image would improve if people saw me playing the piano" said Willis. "I'll play him."
"I've always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes," said Segal. "I'd like to play him."
Spielberg was very pleased with these choices. "Sounds splendid." Then, looking at Schwarzenegger, he asked, "Who do you want to be, Arnold?" So Arnold says ...
"I'll be Bach!"

[BrilloPad]

A German fisherman made the catch of his life when he reeled in a South
American two-foot-long Amazonian piranha weighing 6.6 pounds on the
picturesque river Neckar, just outside Heidelberg.

Meelis Tammre and Anna Zilberberg of Estonia have won the world
wife-carrying championships in the Finnish village of Sonkajarvi after
having having come second three times before. They covered the
254-metre track, including two hurdles and a chest-deep water pool, in
64 seconds watched by 6,000 people. Meelis won his wife's weight in
beer.

In a brutally honest eulogy, Rev Orlando Bethel branded the late Lish
Taylor a 'drunkard and a fornicator' who was 'burning in hell' at an
Alabama funeral. When his microphone was switched off, the preacher
produced a megaphone and called the bereaved 'whoremongers', after
which they attacked him and dragged him down the aisle.

Ulf Buck, a blind German clairvoyant from Meldorf, is reading his
clients' futures by feeling their naked bottoms - he says buttocks have
similar lines to those on the hand which can be read and can give
information about his clients' personalities as well as their future
wealth, happiness and health.

Sniffing bees are to be used to assess strawberries for ripeness and
flavour before they arrives on supermarket shelves. The £300,000 trial
is being backed by Sainsbury's and the Department for Environment, Food
and Rural Affairs. A pilot study conducted using fruit flies proved
that insects were able to detect signs of deterioration in a single
cherry tomato among a whole batch before any symptoms appeared.

A Canadian political leader had to get out and push when his car broke
down in a parade watched by thousands of spectators. Tory leader and
former Prime Minister Joe Clark was in a 1967 Buick Wildcat convertible
taking part in the annual Calgary Stampede. He had to push it 10
blocks, to the cheers of the crowds.

A German company is selling shirts made partly from silver which it
claims don't smell even if wearers sweat on them. Silvertex GmbH from
Neuenhagen near Berlin is making the shirts with a 5% silver content.
Henri Dunoyer, mayor of the posh resort of La Grand-Motte in Southern
France, has brought in a new law against smelly tourists. It allows
police to stop people leaving the beach in swimwear for an odour check.
Anyone found to be too smelly will be ordered to cover up or get a
fine.

A South Carolina baseball team is trying to promote itself by setting a
record for the lowest turn-out at a professional game. Nobody was
allowed to watch the Charleston Riverdogs' game against the Columbus
Redstixx on Monday. The gates were padlocked on Nobody Night until the
end of the 5th innings and a party held outside the ballpark, including
discounted food and beer. Past promotional stunts have included
Vasectomy Night (which was cancelled at the last minute) and Tonya
Harding Bat Day.

The pilot of budget airline Ryanair flight from Stansted to Dublin
asked passengers to load bags into the plane's hold because of a
shortage of baggage handlers would have caused a two hour delay. He
managed to enlist the help of three male passengers who saved the day
by loading the luggage - the flight took off 50 minutes late.

The first national lottery to be held in Afghanistan in more than a
decade got off to an inauspicious start Monday when organizers failed
to hand over the prizes. Up for grabs are a top prize of a Corolla
car, followed by a motorcycle, a Japanese TV, a Chinese bicycle and a
top cash prize of about $30 (almost a month's pay for many Afghans).
Scores of punters turned up at the National Stadium clutching their
tickets after local television and radio said they should be there on
time to find out the winning numbers - but "There's been some delay,"
officials said. They did not elaborate.

A wife in Muncie, Indiana learned of her husband's bigamy while
reading the weddings page in her local paper. Police say they've
charged her husband with bigamy.

[BrilloPad]

a little psychological test for you to do, and please do not scroll down
and look at the answer until you've taken the test... you will only spoil
the fun. Here it goes...

The main character in the story is a girl. When she was at the funeral of
her own mother, she met this guy, who was also there, but she did not know
who he was. Anyway, this guy just happened to be her absolute dream guy...
and she fell in love with him at once...

A few days later the girl killed her own sister. When the Police asked her
why she had killed her sister... what do you think her answer was?

Give your answer before scrolling down.































Answer:

She was hoping that the guy would appear at the funeral again.

If youanswered this correctly, go to the police and tell them to lock
you up.

This was a test by a famous American psychologist used to test if one
killer has the same mentality as another. Many arrested serial killers took
part in this test and answered it correctly.

If you didn't answer correctly- good for you.

If any of your friends hit the jackpot, may I suggest that you keep your
distance

[BrilloPad]

> Captured
> A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker were captured by a fierce
> tribe. The chief comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now that
> we've caught you, we're going to kill you, and then use your skins to
> build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die."
> The Frenchman says, "I take ze poison." The chief gives him some poison,
> the Frenchman says, "Vive la France!" and drinks it down.
> The Englishman says, "A pistol for me, please." The chief gives him a
> pistol, he points it at his head, says, "God save the queen!" and blows
> his brains out.
> The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs
> and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing
> himself all over-the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere.
> There's blood gushing out all over, it's horrible. The chief is appalled,
> and screams, "What are you doing???"
> The New Yorker looks at the chief and says, "So much for your canoe, a$$
> hole!"

[BrilloPad]

> Interfaith Meeting
> A Jew, a Catholic and a Mormon were having drinks at the bar following an
> interfaith meeting.
> The Jew, bragging on his virility, said, "I have four sons. One more and
> I'll have a basketball team."
> The Catholic, pooh-poohed this accomplishment, stating, "That's nothing,
> boy. I have 10 sons, one more and I'll have a football team."
> To which the Mormon replied, "You fellas haven't't got a clue. I have 17
> wives. One more and I'll have a golf course."

[BrilloPad]

> Husband & Wife
> Once upon a time, a woman complained to her doctor that she and her
> husband never had sex anymore. So the doctor gave her a bottle of pills
> and told her to put them in his drink and she would be 'satisfied.'
> The woman, somewhat disbelievingly, put one pill in his coffee that
> evening. That night they made out.
> The next morning, she put two in his coffee, and that night they really
> got it on.
> The next day, she said, "What the hell," and put the entire bottle in.
> A few days later, the doctor called to check on her progress. The woman's
> son answered the phone. When the doctor asked how she was doing, the son
> replied, "Mom's dead; Sis is pregnant; my as$hole hurts, and Dad is out
> naked on the front lawn yelling 'Here kitty, kitty.'"

[BrilloPad]

> Having Problems
> A man is having problems with his dick which certainly had seen better
> times. He consults a doctor who, after a couple of tests, says, "Sorry,
> but you've overdone it the last 30 years. Your dick is burned out; you
> only have 30 erections left in your pen!s."
> The man walks home (deeply depressed); his wife is waiting for him at the
> front door and asks him what the doctor said concerning his problem. He
> tells her what the doc told him. She says, "Oh no, only 30 times! We
> shouldn't waste that; we should make a list!" He replies, "Yes, I already
> made a list on the way home. Sorry, your name isn't on it."