Please put more jokes here

[BrilloPad]

Creepy! Beware !

Story #1
About 7 am on August 25th 1998, thirty-six year old Mrs Sarah Jenson
started
her period. By the time she arrived at work an hour later, she had
started
to experience a chronic itching sensation in her crotch.
Sarah worked as an advisor in a call centre and had recently received a
final warning about her poor attendance record. To keep her job, she
tried
to ignore the itch and got on with answering customers' calls.
At 11:25am she reported to her boss that she was suffering from severe
abdominal pain and it was only when she collapsed in her own vomit that
he
called for an ambulance. She was admitted to the Lincoln Hospital, Texas

where doctors discovered that her vagina was greatly swollen and her
labia
had distended to three times normal size. Whilst cleaning the inflamed
area,
a tampon was found and it was sent away for analysis. Suspecting Toxic
Shock
syndrome, Sarah was kept under close observation until her condition was
no
longer critical. One week later the Lab results on the tampon arrived
and
docto rs were baffled to find that it contained traces of wasp venom. It

transpires that Sarah was having an affair with her aerobics instructor,
and
when her husband Mr Henry Jenson found out, he was so enraged he wanted
revenge. Knowing his wife was allergic to insect stings, he purchased
wasp
venom through a biochemical company. He lightly coated his wife's
tampons
with the venom, resealed the individual wrappers and replaced them in
their
box. Mrs Jenson has filed for a divorce and a case of grievous bodily
harm.

Mr Jenson is reported as saying, "I just wanted her to have a swell
time without me."

[BrilloPad]

CREEPY STORY ALERT

Story #2 In March 1997,
Brian Cranshaw, a chemical engineer from West London, returned to the UK
after spending the previous six months overseeing work at a petrochemicals
plant in Nigeria. During his first week back, his wife complained that
he seemed to have difficulty listening properly. Brian suggested that his
ears had not fully recovered from the air pressure changes experienced during
his flight. Over the next two weeks, Brian's condition worsened as he
started to feel tickling sensations deep in his ears. Thinking the trouble was
caused
by loosened ear wax, he attempted to clean his ears with a ballpoint
pen.
When he pressed it into his right ear, he heard a cracking sound and saw

the pen covered in a yellow goo.
He went to his local GP claiming he had punctured his ear drum. The GP
reached into Brian's right ear with a pair of tweezers and pulled out
what
appeared to be an insect antenna. During the examination Brian was
horrified
to learn that he had a total of 5 African cockroaches living in his
head.
Four cockroaches were alive and one cockroach was dead, presumably
crushed
by Brian's pen attack. An investigation revealed that when Brian was in
Nigeria, a female African cockroach must have laid numerous eggs in the
toiletries bag where he kept his cotton buds. When he was cleaning his
ears,
he was also transferring the cockroach eggs to his inner ear where they
started to hatch.

[BrilloPad]

Story #3 On September 4 1999 at 9.30 a.m.
Ron Guptey of N.S.W Australia went into hospital complaining of severe
pain
in the rectum area. The doctor on call examined him, he found severe
swelling around the anus but was left puzzled because he had not seen
such a
thing before. Two more doctors examined Ron but they too were left
confused
about what was happening. Through the day Ron was deteriorating and he
had
developed a fever and was suffering a lot of pain around his abdomen.
The
doctors gave pain killers but the symptoms worsened until 2.57 p.m. when
he
lapsed into a coma and 2 hours later was pronounced dead. An
investigation
was led to discover the reason of death.

The body was placed in for a post mortem, traces of wood bark were found

inside the rectal passage, but as the examination went further the
doctor
discovered about 3 or 4 black widow spiders in Ron's intestine. The
police
had found a tree with a cut of branch along the side in Ron's back yard,

there were traces of KY jelly and traces of rectal juices along the
branch.
There was also Black widow egg shells found inside the bark. Ron was
apparently satisfying himself with this tree stump, but failed to Notice
the
black widow nest on the tree. During his sexual Act he had impregnated
himself with the black widow eggs. The eggs had embedded in his rectal
passage walls and were kept at the required temperature for the eggs to
develop and finally hatch. once the baby spiders were hatched they had
bitten him and had poisoned him from the inside.

[BrilloPad]

Every year the FBI, is asked to investigate over 36,000 SeriousCrimes
including Suspicious Deaths and Homicides. Every year theHomicide
Investigations Unit puts out its Top 12 Homicides of the year.

1- Alex Mijtus,36 years old, is killed by his wife, armed with a 20
inch
long vibrator. Mrs Mijtus had had enough of her husband's strange sex
practices and one night during a prolonged session of fun she
snapped, pushing all 20 inches of the vibrator into Alex's anus until it
ruptured several internal organs and caused severe bleeding.

2- Debby Mills-Newbroughton, 99 years old, was killed as she crossed the
road. She was to turn 100 the next day, but crossing the road with her
daughter to go to her own birthday party her wheel chair was hit by the
truck delivering her birthday cake.

3- Peter Stone, 42 years old, is murdered by his 8 year old daughter,
who he had just sent to her room with no dinner. Young Samantha Stone
felt that if she couldn't have dinner no one should,and she promptly
inserted 72 rat poison tablets into her fathers coffee as he prepared
dinner. The victim took one sip and promptly collapsed. Samantha Stone
was
given a suspended sentence as the judge felt she didn't realize what
she
was doing, until she tried to poison her mother using the same method
one
month later.

4- David Danil, 17 years old, was killed by his girl friend after he
attempted to have his way with her. His unwelcome advance was met with
double-barreled shotgun. Charla's (the girlfriends') father had given it
to her an hour before the date started, just in case.

5- Javier Halos, 27 years old, was killed by his landlord for failing to
pay his rent for 8 years. The landlord, Kirk Weston, clubbed the victim
to
death with a toilet seat after he realized just how long it had been
since Mr Halos paid his rent.

6- Megan Fry, 44 years old, is killed by 14 state troopers after she
wandered onto a live firing, fake town, simulation. Seeing all the
troopers walking slowly down the street Megan Fry had jumped out in
front of them and yelled Boo!. The troopers, thinking she was a pop up
target, fired 67 shots between them, over 40 of them hitting the target.
She just looked like a very real looking target, one of the troopers
stated in his report.

7- Julia Smeeth, 20 years old, was killed by her brother Michaelbecause
she talked on the phone too long, Michael clubbed his sister to death
with a cordless phone, then stabbed her several times with the broken
arial.

8- Helena Simms, Wife to the famous American nuclear scientist Harold
Simms was killed by her husband after she had an affair with the
neighbor. Over a period of 3 months Harold substituted Helena's eye
shadow with a Uranium composite that was highly radioactive, until she
died of radiation poisoning. Although she suffered many symptoms,
including
total hair loss, skin welts, blindness, extreme nausea and even had an
ear lobe drop off, the victim never attended a doctor's surgery or
hospital
for a check up.

9- Military Sergeant John Joe Winter killed his two timing wife by
loading her car with Trintynitrate explosive (similar to C4). The Ford
Taurus she was driving was filled with 750 kgs of explosive, forming a
force twice as powerful as the Oklahoma Bombing. The explosion was
heard
by several persons some up to 14 kilometers away. No trace of the car
or the
victim were ever found, only a 55 meter deep crater, and 500m of
missing road.

10- Patty Winter, 35 years old, was killed by her neighbor in the early
hours of a Sunday morning. Her neighbor, Falt Hame, for years had a
mounted F4 phantom jet engine in his rear yard. He would fire the jet
engine, aimed at an empty block at the back of his property. Patty
Winter
would constantly complain to the local sheriff's officers about
the noise and the potential risk of fire. Mr Hame was served with a
notice to remove the engine immediately. Not liking this he invited Miss
Winter over for a cup of coffee and a chat about the whole situation.
What Winter didn't know was that he had changed the position of the
engine, as
she walked into the yard he activated it, hitting her with a blast of
5,000 degrees, killing her instantly, and forever burning her outline
into the
driveway.

11- Michael Lewis, angry at his gay boyfriend, used the movie, Die Hard
With a Vengeance as inspiration. He drugged his boyfriend, Tony Berry,
into an almost catatonic state, then dressed him only in a double sided
white
board that read Death to all *******! on one side, and God Loves the
KKK.
On the other. Lewis then drove the victim to downtown Harlem and dropped
him
off. Two minutes later Berry was deceased.

12- Conrad Middleton, 26 years old, was killed by his twin brother
Brian
after a disagreement over who should take the family home after
their parents' passed away. Conrad had a nasal problem, and had no
sense of smell. After the argument Brian stormed out of the house, then
snuck back later, and turned on the 3 gas taps in the house, filling it
with gas. He then left out a box of cigars, a lighter and a note
saying,
Sorry for the spree, have a puff on me, Brian. Conrad promptly lit a
cigar, destroying the house, and himself in the process.

[BrilloPad]

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

[BrilloPad]

McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time
removing the olives and placing them in a jar.

When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the
Irishman started to leave.

"S' cuse me", said a customer who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done,
"what was that all about?"

"Ach, it were nothin', said McQuillan, "my wife just sent me out for a jar
of olives!"

[BrilloPad]

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at a craps table. A very attractive
blonde lady comes in and wants to bet twenty thousand dollars on a single
roll of the dice. She says, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier
when I'm completely nude." With that she strips naked from her neck down,
and rolls the dice while yelling, "Momma needs new clothes!" Then she
hollers..."YES! YES! I WON! IWON!"

Then she begins jumping up and down and hugging each of the dealers.

With that she picks up her money and clothes and quickly leaves. The dealers
just stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally one of them asks, "What did
she roll anyway?". The other answers, "I thought YOU were watching!"

[BrilloPad]

NON-BIBLICAL PROVERBS:-

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

A day without sunshine is like... night.

On the other hand, you have different fingers

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted
then
used against you.

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and
blamed it on the cost of living.

Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something
right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end,
someone
would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

You can't have everything, where would you put it?

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's
population.

The things that come to those who wait are usually the things left by
those
who got there first.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.

I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright
until
you hear them speak.

[BrilloPad]

Mr Cadbury and Ms Rowntree went off for the weekend....

It was After Eight.
She was from Quality Street
He was a Fishermans Friend
On the way they stopped at a Yorkie Bar.
He had a Rum and Butter.
She had a Wine Gum.
He asked her name. She said Polo, I'm the one with the hole. (But I'm the
one with the Nuts he thought)
Then he touched her Milky Way.
They checked in and went straight to the bedroom.
Mr Cadbury turned out the light for a bit of Black Magic
It wasn't long before he slipped his hand into her Snickers and felt the
contrast of her Double Decker.
Then he showed her his Curly Wurly.
But Ms Rowntree wasn't keen as she already had a few Jelly Babies,
So she let him take a trip down Bourneville Boulevard.
He was pleased as he always fancied a bit of Fudge nudging.
It was a Magic Moment as she let out of scream of Turkish Delight.
When he came out his Fun Sized Mars Bar felt a bit Crunchie.
She wanted more but he decided to take a Time Out.
However, he noticed her Pink Wafers looked very appetising.
So he did a Twirl and had a Picnic in her Sherbert.
At the same time he gave her a Gob Stopper!

Unfortunately Mr Cadbury had to go home to his wife Caramel.
Sadly, he was soon to discover he had caught V.D.
It turns out Ms Rowntree had a Box of Assorted Creams.

She really had been with All Sorts.

[ladymuck]

I met a dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week.

Phoned her up for a date but she'd popped her clogs.