Please put more jokes here

[vetran]

Lady Gaga reveals she wore a BULLETPROOF DRESS to sing at President Joe Biden's Inauguration.

You never know if a music lover will be in the audience.

[vetran]

For our divorcees

I love the way my nine year old son is preparing for adulthood and it's pitfalls. He spent all his money on a dolls house and gave it his little girlfriend next door saying,

"Here you might as well have a house now instead of taking one off me in twenty years. "

[vetran]

I got into a taxi and told the driver to take me to a place fifty miles away.

When we arrived, I got him to sit for an hour with the engine running, then told him to take me home.
When we got back he asked, 'What was the purpose of that journey?'

I replied, 'It was just cheaper than sitting in the house with the heating on.'

[vetran]

The old bloke that lives next to me is 93 years old and has dementia. Every morning at 6 o'clock he knocks on my front door and asks me if I know where his missus is, because he can't find her.
Every day I have to tell him "George, your wife died 17 years ago"
I'm pretty sick of being woken at 6 every morning by him and at times I've thought about selling up and moving away, but then I think it's worth it, just to see the look of pure joy on his face every day when I tell him his wife is dead.

[vetran]

I was attacked by a seagull, it first dived at me, then roundhouse kicked me in the face before trying to headbutt me and peck my eye out and then nicking my chips,

"What a hard bastard that was, " I said to a passer by.

"Oh, he's well known for it, That's Steven Seagull, " he replied.

[vetran]

"House prices and job opportunities increase when you move to a predominantly white neighbourhood," said my wife.

"No," I replied, shaking my head. "Correlation is not Caucasian."

[vetran]

Wait, so now it's a compulsory jab for NHS staff but before it was zero tolerance on violence against staff?


Make up your flaming minds.

[vetran]

The most widely recognised Cockney rhyming slang terms for money include:
Pony = £25
Ton = £100
Monkey = £500
Peerage = £3m

[vetran]

A friend had his second dose of the vaccine at a vaccination centre and began to have blurred vision on the way home.
When he got home he immediately called the people at the vaccination centre for advice and asked if he should go to a doctor or a hospital.
He was told to NOT go to a doctor or a hospital, but to return to the vaccination centre and pick-up his glasses.

[vetran]

Panto

I've been ripped off again!

I paid a joiner to make a double bed and he's done a bunk..