"I was in a band which we called The Prevention. Because we hoped people would say we were better than The Cure."
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…Maybe we ain’t that young anymore -
"Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it's what he would have wanted."…Maybe we ain’t that young anymoreComment
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"I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: 'This could be interesting'."…Maybe we ain’t that young anymoreComment
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I parked up to go to the football match at weekend and a kid asked "mind your car mister?"
I chuckled and said, "it's alright, lad, there's a Rottweiler in the back."
The lad looked at me and simply said, "can it put fires out?"The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world that he didn't existComment
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One for FLC
What do a pulse and an orgasm have in common?
I don't care if she has one.Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.Comment
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Why are Americans so good at shooting?
They have the best schools for it.Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.Comment
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"My first son has a PHD in arts, my daughter has two degrees in communication and journalism and my youngest son is a burglar."
Friend: "Wow a burglar? You should kick him out!"
Dad: "Nah... he is the only one who makes money."Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.Comment
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For our Divorcees
I always carry a picture of my wife and children in my wallet.
It reminds me why there's no ******* money in there.Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.Comment
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How many protestors do you need to change a lightbulb?
Trick question. Protestors don't change anything.Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.Comment
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Shame about the Tesla driver that crashed while watching a movie.
He should've watched the trailer.Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.Comment
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