Please put more jokes here

[vetran]

Do not drink and wrap presents.

Also, if anybody gets a remote control for Christmas, I'm gonna need that back.

[vetran]

So glad I watched the World Cup final, learned a new phrase.

'French Fightback'.

[vetran]

Lewis Capaldi's song Someone You Loved has been streamed 2.6 billion times on Spotify.

A spokesman for the site said, 'His cheque for twenty quid is in the post.'

[WTFH]

What’s the difference between “pullover” and “jumper”?


I’ve been asked by policewomen to pullover.

[vetran]

What’s the difference between “pullover” and “jumper”?


I’ve been asked by policewomen to pullover.

40 years ago my mate was asked by a police woman to Jump her! His missus was not impressed, that randy sod.

[vetran]

I went for a job at the Royal Mail sorting office yesterday. After the interview I was given a tour of the depot.
I asked the guy taking the tour "What's that machine?"
"That's the Acme 3000 Auto Sorter System. It can sort 150,000 letters an hour and it's 99.5% accurate. It's controlled by 12 supercomputers, each of which is 5000 times more powerful than an average desktop PC. It has over 15,000 state-of-the-art optical location identification sensors, contains enough circuit boards to entirely cover the pitch at the new Wembley stadium and it has 200 miles of fibre-optic cable. It cost over ?100 million to develop," he boasted proudly.
"What happens to the letters after it's finished sorting them?" I asked.
"We give them to a bloke on a push bike."

[vetran]

Seventy eight percent of British MPs are millionaires.

Which makes twenty two percent who can't fill their expense claims in properly.

[vetran]

I'm never buying a Liverpool advent calender ever again. All the windows are smashed in and someone stole all the chocolates

[vetran]

Just a quick reminder to all cat owners:

Now is the time to start feeding gold and silver glitter to your cats if you want to add that festive touch to your neighbour's flower beds.

[vetran]

Paddy goes to hardware store to buy a chainsaw Salesman said this good value You'll do about 40 to 50 trees a day with this So paddy buys it
Week later he takes it back complaining it was faulty coz he had only done 25 trees in a week Salesman checks everything and couldn't find nothing wrong He then pulled the cord to start it up then paddy says what's that noise?