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Previously on "Please put more jokes here"

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  • sadkingbilly
    replied
    1. When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
    2. To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.
    3. Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.
    4. It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.
    5. The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
    6. When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.
    7. I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.
    8. I had my patience tested. I'm negative.
    9. Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.
    10. If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money?"
    11. When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing," it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.
    12. I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.
    13. I run like the winded.
    14. I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on.
    15. When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?"
    16. When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?
    17. I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.
    18. When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "east."
    19. Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out.
    20. Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.
    21. My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb."

    Leave a comment:


  • WTFH
    replied
    I feel today may be appropriate for sharing this Marc Jennings joke:


    I was talking to this guy in Belfast and he happened to be a big sorta DUP-voting loyalist/Unionist guy in Northern Ireland. Then he starts telling me his opinions about the trans community. And I’m all like, ‘oh here we f**king go’.

    ‘This is what he said: ‘If you’re physically a man, how can you identify as a woman?’

    ‘And I was like: ‘Well, to be fair mate, I mean, Northern Ireland is physically part of Ireland. You don’t seem to have a problem identifying as British’.

    ‘I mean, what is Northern Ireland if not a trans country, let’s be honest. And if there should be no-one who’s more pro-trans than a Northern Irish Unionist. Like this guy said to me: ‘These trans people, they’re called one name, and expect you to call them another?’

    ‘I said: ‘What? Like do you mean like Derry and Londonderry, for example, is that what you’re kinda talking about?’

    Leave a comment:


  • sadkingbilly
    replied
    Particle physics gives me a hadron.

    Leave a comment:


  • WTFH
    replied
    One for SKB (Which I just realised is the abbreviation for a former division of Glaxo) …

    Anyway, did you hear about the polygamist Hungarian sound engineer?
    He had a Romanian wife and…
    A Czech one too.

    Leave a comment:


  • sadkingbilly
    replied
    My mate always turns his head slightly away from the printer when he's using it
    Apparently he can only see it in his peripheral vision.

    Leave a comment:


  • sadkingbilly
    replied
    I told my boss that three companies were after me and I need a raise....
    My boss asked “what companies? “
    Gas, water and electricity

    Leave a comment:


  • sadkingbilly
    replied
    thinking of Vetty:

    Some people are like slinkys, totally pointless but the thought of pushing them down a flight of stairs never fails to put a smile on your face.
    Last edited by sadkingbilly; 8 June 2024, 09:26.

    Leave a comment:


  • vetran
    replied
    Although the 20mph speed limit was only introduced last year by Mark Drakeford, 2 per cent of potential visitors were put off by it.
    The other 98% are put off by the Welsh.

    Leave a comment:


  • vetran
    replied
    I went to meet this bird i had found on Tinder. As I approached her house, she open the door in her negligée.

    'That's a funny place to have a door!' I thought.

    Leave a comment:


  • xoggoth
    replied
    One of the few jokes on Quora I found funny (being a rude old git)

    Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.
    One said, 'It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints.'
    Another said, 'No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections.'
    The last one said,
    'No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer.
    Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?'

    Leave a comment:


  • vetran
    replied
    Would you like me to spell condescending for you?

    Leave a comment:


  • vetran
    replied
    Would you like me to spell condescending for you?

    Leave a comment:


  • vetran
    replied
    I heard aliens are gender neutral. They/them are out there.

    Leave a comment:


  • vetran
    replied
    When I was younger,my body was a temple..... Now it's a flaming bouncy castle.

    Leave a comment:


  • vetran
    replied
    Click image for larger version

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