Please put more jokes here

[vetran]

I hate people who bang on about their phobias.


I have terrible fear of heights, but you won't find me shouting about it from the rooftops.

[vetran]

I was checking out a good looking bird at Asda when the wife caught me.


That’s it. No turkey dinner for us tonight.

[vetran]

Is it possible for an evil spirit to be dyslexic?
Asking for a fiend.

[vetran]

Life is like a box of chocolates


Not as fun with diabetes

[vetran]

My Grandma is 96 years old and still doesn't need glasses.


She drinks straight from the bottle

[vetran]

“I’m a chien smoker” I said.


“Don’t you mean chain smoker?” my mate replied.


“Nope” I said, lighting up a French Bulldog.

[vetran]

I hate being married to a cockney.


Every time I write apples and pears on the shopping list, she comes home with a staircase.

[vetran]

Douglas Adams once famously wrote that the answer to life, the universe and everything is '42'.


Well, he got that wrong.


I'm 43 now, and I still know ****-all about anything.

[vetran]

I tried to come up with a joke about tulip furniture but I've got no Ikea.

[vetran]

When my great-grandad went bald, he built a machine to weave himself a wig out of yarn


He then gave it to my grandad, who then gave it to my dad - and one day, it will be mine.


It’s our family hair loom.