Please put more jokes here

[vetran]

My gran needs eye surgery after watching the world cup...

She has Qataracts.

[WTFH]

BBC: UK net migration hits all-time record at 504,000.

As if we didn't have enough trouble! Now we are being invaded by nets!

If you think that's bad, wait until you hear about the figure just of those arriving - it's gross!

[vetran]

One man's rubbish is another man's treasure.

Not the best way to find out from your dad that you're adopted.

[vetran]

BBC: UK net migration hits all-time record at 504,000.

As if we didn't have enough trouble! Now we are being invaded by nets!

[vetran]

A really old bloke in the pub was telling me his war stories, about how he survived a mustard gas attack and got pepper sprayed as a method of torture from the bad guys.

"So you're a seasoned veteran then?" I asked.

[vetran]

It must be awesome being the CEO of an energy company.

The money's great, and every winter you bump off more pensioners than Harold Shipman and don't even get in trouble.

[vetran]

Wales vs Iran?!

Blimey, I wouldn't fancy being a sheep going to that one.

[WTFH]

COP: Where were you the night of the murder?

CROW: I was with a group of friends

COP: What would you call that group?

CROW: …I want a lawyer

[vetran]

'...A Lawyer representing a wealthy art dealer called him and said,
"Saul, I have some good and some bad news for you."

The art dealer replied,
"I've had a terrible day. Give me the good news first."

"Well", says the Lawyer. "I met with your wife yesterday and she told me she had purchased two pictures for £5,000, but she thinks they might be worth £5-10 MILLION!'

"Fantastic woman, my wife, and a very smart businesswoman too" says the art dealer.

"What's the bad news?"

The Lawyer replied,

"The pictures are of you banging your secretary."

[vetran]

When I was a baby, my parents used to bath me in cheap Australian lager.

It wasn't until I was 18 that I realised I'd been Fostered.