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Please put more jokes here

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    A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so that they can see their own doctor.
    "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

    I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

    Comment


      The Dying Priest

      In a London Nursing home an old priest lay dying, for years he had faithfully served the people of the nation's capital. He motioned for his nurse to come near.

      "Yes, Father?", said the nurse.

      "I would really like to see David Cameron and Nick Clegg before I die" whispered the priest.

      "I'll see what I can do, Father" replied the nurse. The nurse sent the request to No 10 and waited for a response. Soon the word arrived; David and Nick would be delighted to visit the priest.

      As they went to the hospital, David commented to Nick, "I don't know why the old priest wants to see us but it will certainly help our images".

      Nick agreed that it was the right thing to do at this time, when they arrived at the priest's room the priest took David's hand in his right hand and the Nicks hand in his left. There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's face.

      The old priest slowly said: "I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ".

      "Amen", said David.

      "Amen", said Nick.

      The old priest continued, "Jesus died between two lying thieving bastards and I would like to do the same ..."
      "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

      I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

      Comment


        For our cretin

        Sam, an old Sailor was sat thinking over his life and decided to don his old uniform and go on the town for a last hurrah. He eventualy arrived outside the Dockyard Gate and came across a "Lady of the Night".
        A price was negotiated and agreed and Sam escorted her to her place. Once inside, Sam hurridly divested himself of his clothes and launched himself at the prostitute. After several minutes of feverish activity, Sam raised himself up and looked down at the woman and smiliing ,asked her
        "How am I doing?"
        "About Three Knots", came the reply.
        " Three Knots?", He enquired.
        "Yes", said the prostitute, "You're Not Hard, You're Not In and You're Not getting Your money back".
        "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

        I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

        Comment


          for our seniors

          Robert , 85, married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old.
          Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Robert should have separate bedrooms
          She is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.

          After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door.
          Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Robert, her 85 year old groom, ready for action.
          They unite as one. All goes well, Robert takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.

          After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Robert ready for more 'action'.
          Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling.
          When the newly weds are done, Robert kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves.

          She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it Robert is back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25 - year - old, ready for more 'action'. Once more they enjoy each other.

          As Robert gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, “I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often.
          I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once.
          You are truly a great lover, Robert.”

          Robert, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: “You mean I was here already?”

          The moral of the story: Alzheimer's has its advantages.

          PS. Have I posted this already?
          "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

          I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

          Comment


            Why aren't there more muslims in America?

            Muslims pray before each meal - who has time to pray 34 times a day?
            "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

            I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

            Comment


              We have started to call grandad Spiderman. Not that he has got superhuman powers but for the fact that he has difficulty getting out of the bath.
              "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

              I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

              Comment


                school registration

                Mustafa Al Shebab--------"Here"
                Ahmed El Kabul-----------"Here"
                Fatima El Bindri-----------"Here"
                Ali Achmaka El Kebab----"Here"
                Ali Sun Al en ----------------?
                Little girl at the back of the class stands up and says "For **** sake, it's pronounced Alison Allen! :
                "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

                I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

                Comment


                  fuel economy:

                  Great news! The average person walks 900 miles a year (that's more than the proclaimers proclaim) and drink 22 gallons of beer a year. So if you do the maths, you fine people are getting 41 mpg.

                  Which re-enforces the argument "Beer is economical"
                  "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

                  I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

                  Comment


                    A neighbour has just returned from Switzerland where he took his mother for the Dignitas treatment. He was absolutely livid at the way they treated her, especially what they gave her for breakfast on 'The Day'


                    A plate of Cheerios
                    "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

                    I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

                    Comment


                      Might as well just post the thread you are lifting all these tulip jokes from and save us from having to read them all.

                      http://forums.pepipoo.com/index.php?...ic=2684&st=640
                      'CUK forum personality of 2011 - Winner - Yes really!!!!

                      Comment

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