Please put more jokes here

[BrilloPad]

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of thenight celebrating St Patrick's Day. Mick, the bartender says, 'You'll not be drinking anymore tonight Paddy. Paddy replies, 'OK Mick, I'll be on my way then.' Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face.'Shoite' he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, 'Shoite,Shoite!' He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to thedoor and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks hishead outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better andtakes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face. 'Bi'Jesus...I'm fockin' focked,' he says. He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, haulshimself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says 'No fockin' way'. He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says 'I can make it to thebed.' He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says 'Fock it' and falls into bed. The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup ofcoffee and says, 'Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?'. Paddy says, 'I did Jess. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd you know?' 'Mick phoned . . . You left your wheelchair at the pub.'

[BrilloPad]

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.


When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.


In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.


When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.


When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but had no direction. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.


When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.


I am now older and wiser, and am looking for a girl with big tits.

[Moscow Mule]

Stolen from HIGNFY

Apparently Brian Blessed's wife has been found in a sound proof dungeon under their house - she built it herself.

[BrilloPad]

A couple have been dating for six months, but is afraid to attempt lovemaking becuase of his tiny organ. Finally one night, he plucks up the courage to make his move. First they kiss, then nervously he opens his zipper and guides her hand onto his penis. 'No thanks,' the girl says politely, 'I don't smoke.'


After a date, a man drives a girl to a country lane. There, he tries sliding his hand into her blouse, but the girl suddenly gets out of the car and stomps home. That night she writes in her diary: A girl's best friends are her own two legs. After their next date, the couple go back to the country road. As they're kissing the man slides his hand up the girl's skirt. Again, she gets out of the car and stomps home.

That night she writes in her diary: I repeat, a girl's best friends are her own two legs.

On the third date, the couple return to the country road once again. This time she doesn't get home to her diary until very late.

Dear Diary, she writes. There comes a time when even the best of friends must part.


An american politician shaves her privates before speaking to an election debate. Lifting her skirt, she declares:
'Read my lips. No more Bush!'

[BrilloPad]

A man arrives home to find his daughter, a young single woman, with a vibrator.

'What on earth are you doing with one of those?' he shouts.

'Well,' she retorts, 'you won't let me have a boyfriend, so this is my substitute.'

The next night the daughter arrives home to find her dad with the vibrator in one hand and a can of lager in the other.

'So what on earth are you doing?' she splutters.

Her dad replies: 'Just having a beer with your boyfriend.'

[BrilloPad]

A male contestant goes on TV's Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? and is asked the question: 'What colour is your wife's pubic hair - grey, brown, black or blonde?

The man thinks for a minute or so, then replies: 'Can I phone a friend?'

[BrilloPad]

So after 1700 posts :-

BrilloPad 1,194
darmstadt 49
Colemanisor 34
Money Money Money 22
Swiss Tony 22
TheFaQQer 21
daviejones 21
EternalOptimist 20
richard-af 18
TazMaN 18
Chantho 15
FiveTimes 15
wobbegong 14
Denny 13
zeitghost 13
Pondlife 10

So I have posted 70% of the jokes here!

[EternalOptimist]

cut n paste amateur

[BrilloPad]

cut n paste amateur

I doubt there is a single original joke on here. They have all been emailed, posted on internet or been told to the poster (maybe while listening to a comedian on the TV or in a theatre).

Is there any true comedian on here? (Insert Wilmslow/Denny/Chico or any other poster as you see fit).

[EternalOptimist]

I doubt there is a single original joke on here. They have all been emailed, posted on internet or been told to the poster (maybe while listening to a comedian on the TV or in a theatre).

Is there any true comedian on here? (Insert Wilmslow/Denny/Chico or any other poster as you see fit).

er. ok its a fair cop.
but my john prescott poem was all my own work