Please put more jokes here

[BR14]

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!

Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'

'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'

[LondonManc]

Knock knock!
Who's there?
Lily Allen

[LondonManc]

We call my granddad Spiderman.
Not because he has special powers, he just can't get out of the bath.

[LondonManc]

I've found a cure for my wife's snoring.

I've started making her go on top.

[WTFH]

Knock knock

Who’s there?

HMRC

Daddy says he’s not at home

[LondonManc]

I've just watched a 70s porno.

Turns out they used to use pubic hair to censor out vaginas.

[BR14]

*A farmer named Seamus had a car accident. **
**
In court, the lorry company's hot-shot solicitor was
questioning Seamus.

'Didn't you say to the Police at the scene of the
accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.

Seamus responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I
had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the...'

'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor
interrupted. 'Just Answer the question. Did you not say,
at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'

Seamus said, 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the
trailer and I was driving down the road....'

The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour,
I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of
the accident, this man told the police on the scene that
he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is
trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please
tell him to simply answer the question.'

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in
Seamus's answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to
hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.

Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was
saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into
the trailer and was driving her down the road when this
huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit
my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one
ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt,
very bad like, and didn't want to move.
However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I
knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike
turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so
he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her
condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the
eyes.

Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in
hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feeling?'

'Now what the ***** would you say?' *

[BrilloPad]

Guy who owns my local cinema just died.

His funeral is on Monday at 12:10, 14:20 and 18:40.

[BrilloPad]

Just finished my Christmas cards.

MasterCard and Visa are now maxed out

[BrilloPad]

I went to the doctors earlier today with hearing problems.

He said “Can u describe the symptoms?”

I said “Homers a fat guy and Marge has blue hair”