Please put more jokes here

[ladymuck]

I sneezed whilst making toast.


I can't believe it's snot butter.

That's so grim

[vetran]

My mate said, "My kid has decided to turn vegan and won't eat any kind of meat. What can I replace it with?"


"A Labrador," I said, "they'll eat anything."

[vetran]

My son went over to America and shot five black people.


The cops just sent him home.


They want to take the credit.

[vetran]

After getting the windows on my car tinted black, I showed it to my wife.She said, "I wouldn't be seen dead in that thing!"I said, "That's sort of the point."

[vetran]

for ms

I ate a kids meal in McDonald’s this morning. His mum was furious.

[vetran]

I can't stand people who've had their phalanges removed.
I'm lack toes intolerant.

[vetran]

When I take a sauna I have to be the only one in there.


I have selfish steam issues.

[vetran]

for LM apparently

Justin Welby, the Archbishop of Canterbury, has announced he is to take a sabbatical 'for spiritual renewal'.


He must have quite a problem if it's going to take him all day Sunday to make a trip to the off-licence.

[vetran]

I've pleaded with my wife to "stay at home" this Christmas.


Not cause of the virus, I just don't want to go to her mother's.

[vetran]

for newer members

I walked up to the counter at Screwfix and said..
"do you have a bleeding valve for a radiator?"
The assistant replied..
"not with that attitude sir."