Please put more jokes here

[vetran]

I was begging my wife just for once to try anal.


"That's only for invited guests," she replied. "You'll have to use the cervix entrance."

[vetran]

As soon as I came in from work today my wife threw her arms around me and whispered in my ear, "I'm so glad you're home, my panties have been wet waiting for you all day."
"Oh, ****," I replied. "don't tell me the tumble drier has broken down again."

[vetran]

Pessimists die two years earlier than the average person.


I was hoping it would be more than that.

[vetran]

The wife's just rung me, said she's filled the car up with petrol - as I asked.


Wants to know how to get back in without it gushing out as she opens the door.

[vetran]

Do you think that The Flat Earth Society is sick of two-meter social distancing?...


It must have pushed a few of them over the edge.

[vetran]

Eat out to help out
Went do Starbucks for a slice of cake earlier and got it half price
27.50

[vetran]

My 13 year old son said to me, "Dad, with all this conflicting information on social media, in the news and in the papers I'm getting really confused. I understand that some opinions are more valid than others but, with all the noise, all the time, how do you know what to believe, what to think?"
"That's easy, Son," I replied. "Your mother tells me."

[vetran]

So,I was in the bathroom knocking one out into a padded mail bag, when the Wife said " you've been in there ages what are you doing?"


"Don't worry, love I'm coming in a Jiffy," I replied.

[vetran]

Cheer up everyone.
You’re all nearer to being a millionaire than either Elon Musk or Bill Gates.

[vetran]

"What's the time?"


"It's a philosophical construct which Humankind has applied to the universe in order to explain the relationship between cause and effect."


"For goodness sake, Brian. If I had know it was going to be like this I'd never have agreed to become Mrs Cox."