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    #id
    UK media focus has moved to Covid 19 and no longer on flooding. Concentrating more on the W.H.O. and less on the Wye.
    Originally posted by Stevie Wonder Boy
    I can't see any way to do it can you please advise?

    I want my account deleted and all of my information removed, I want to invoke my right to be forgotten.

    Comment


      #id
      In Wales the shelves are empty of scotch eggs and mini sausage rolls.

      Everyone was picnic buying.

      Comment


        #id
        Tescos, good, occasionally busy later. Sainsburys, moderate to good, sale on Corn Flakes. Asda, slight to moderate, heavy crowds by evening. Marks and Spencers and Co-Op, fair. Waitrose fair to moderate, spillage in aisle 7. Lidl, rough at first, moderate later.

        And that's the end of the Shopping Forecast.
        Originally posted by Stevie Wonder Boy
        I can't see any way to do it can you please advise?

        I want my account deleted and all of my information removed, I want to invoke my right to be forgotten.

        Comment


          #id
          During flight:
          Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Due to coronavirus quarantine I am working from home today... have a nice flight.

          Comment


            #id
            WTFH went into a wig shop. Went he found the one he wanted he asked the price. "£50 plus tax". He said "forget the tax I'll glue it on".

            Comment


              #id
              Neil Diamond: Hands

              NHS Direct: Yes, wash then for at least 20 seconds

              Neil Diamond: Touching hands

              NHS Direct: No, please don't touch hands

              Neil Diamond: Reaching out

              NHS Direct: Avoid that too

              Neil Diamond: Touching me

              NHS Direct: I don't think you've been listening

              Neil Diamond: Touching YOU.

              NHS Direct: Oh hell.

              Neil Diamond: Sweet Corona...
              …Maybe we ain’t that young anymore

              Comment


                #id
                Originally posted by WTFH View Post
                Neil Diamond: Hands

                NHS Direct: Yes, wash then for at least 20 seconds

                Neil Diamond: Touching hands

                NHS Direct: No, please don't touch hands

                Neil Diamond: Reaching out

                NHS Direct: Avoid that too

                Neil Diamond: Touching me

                NHS Direct: I don't think you've been listening

                Neil Diamond: Touching YOU.

                NHS Direct: Oh hell.

                Neil Diamond: Sweet Corona...
                NEIL DIAMOND: touching hands
                CDC: no don’t touch hands
                NEIL DIAMOND: reaching out
                CDC: please avoid that
                NEIL DIAMOND: TOUCHING YOU-
                CDC: everyone is Boston is doomed

                STING: Don't stand
                Don't stand so
                Don't stand so close to me
                CDC: Now you're talkin
                STING: Every breath you take, every step you make...
                CDC: Yes, we will be watching you.

                Proclaimers: But I would walk 500 miles and I would walk 500 more just to be the man who walks a thousand miles to fall down at your door
                CDC: Please quarantine in place

                MC Hammer: You can't touch this
                CDC: Not without proper sterilization and washing hands

                JIM MORRISON: COME ON, COME ON, COME ON NOW TOUCH ME, BABY!
                CDC: That is not advised.
                JIM MORRISON: CAN'T YOU SEE THAT I AM NOT AFRAID?
                CDC: Immaterial.

                Phil Collins: She seems to have an invisible touch
                CDC: get her into quarantine immediately!


                Pink Floyd: HEY YOU
                CDC: oh hell
                Pink Floyd: out there on your own
                CDC: ok, self quarantined, not so bad
                Pink Floyd: sitting naked by the phone WOULD YOU TOUCH ME
                CDC: god damnit

                EXILE: I want to kiss you all over
                CDC: Absolutely not.
                EXILE: and over again.
                CDC: GOTTDAMNIT!!

                Alanis: Cause I got one hand in my pocket.
                CDC: Make sure it's sanitized.
                Alanis: And the other one is giving a high five.
                CDC: That's it. I quit!

                MILEY: "It's a Party in the USA!"
                CDC: "You really should avoid large gatherings."
                MILEY: "My tummy's turnin' and I'm feelin' kinda home sick!"
                CDC: "See! What did I tell you?"

                Bon Jovi: Your love is like bad medicine.
                CDC: We're actually still finding the cure.
                Bon Jovi: Bad medicine is what I need.
                CDC: It most certainly is not.

                BEATLES: Yeah you, got that something, I think you'll understand
                CDC: It's Covid-19
                BEATLES: I wanna hold your hand
                CDC: Not advisable
                BEATLES: I wanna hold your hand
                CDC: No

                Eddie Money: Take me home tonight!
                CDC: NO!

                Foreigner: “I’M HOT-BLOODED! Check it and see.”
                CDC: “Well, yes, we do advise constant monitoring of body tempera
                Foreigner: “I’VE GOT A FEVER OF A HUNDRED AND THREE!”
                CDC: “Dear God. Why are you still singing? Can we get an ambulance here? Right away?”

                Robert Palmer: Doctor, doctor, give me the news. I've got.a bad case
                CDC: Oh no...
                Palmer: Of loving you
                CDC: *sigh of relief*
                Originally posted by Stevie Wonder Boy
                I can't see any way to do it can you please advise?

                I want my account deleted and all of my information removed, I want to invoke my right to be forgotten.

                Comment


                  #id
                  Originally posted by WTFH View Post
                  Neil Diamond: Hands

                  NHS Direct: Yes, wash then for at least 20 seconds

                  Neil Diamond: Touching hands

                  NHS Direct: No, please don't touch hands

                  Neil Diamond: Reaching out

                  NHS Direct: Avoid that too

                  Neil Diamond: Touching me

                  NHS Direct: I don't think you've been listening

                  Neil Diamond: Touching YOU.

                  NHS Direct: Oh hell.

                  Neil Diamond: Sweet Corona...
                  Ba, Ba, Baa!
                  Originally posted by Stevie Wonder Boy
                  I can't see any way to do it can you please advise?

                  I want my account deleted and all of my information removed, I want to invoke my right to be forgotten.

                  Comment


                    #id
                    Originally posted by simonmac View Post
                    ba, ba, baa! Barbara Ann

                    ftfy

                    Originally posted by simonmac View Post
                    ba, ba, baa! Wahey!!!

                    ftf pc & bp

                    Comment


                      #id
                      Supermarket shelves are empty, so I called my local Indian market.

                      “Do you have any butter?”

                      “We only have ghee.”

                      “Ah, thanks for clarifying.”
                      Originally posted by Stevie Wonder Boy
                      I can't see any way to do it can you please advise?

                      I want my account deleted and all of my information removed, I want to invoke my right to be forgotten.

                      Comment

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