Please put more jokes here

[SimonMac]

UK media focus has moved to Covid 19 and no longer on flooding. Concentrating more on the W.H.O. and less on the Wye.

[BrilloPad]

In Wales the shelves are empty of scotch eggs and mini sausage rolls.

Everyone was picnic buying.

[SimonMac]

Tescos, good, occasionally busy later. Sainsburys, moderate to good, sale on Corn Flakes. Asda, slight to moderate, heavy crowds by evening. Marks and Spencers and Co-Op, fair. Waitrose fair to moderate, spillage in aisle 7. Lidl, rough at first, moderate later.

And that's the end of the Shopping Forecast.

[abz2020]

During flight:
Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Due to coronavirus quarantine I am working from home today... have a nice flight.

[BrilloPad]

WTFH went into a wig shop. Went he found the one he wanted he asked the price. "£50 plus tax". He said "forget the tax I'll glue it on".

[WTFH]

Neil Diamond: Hands

NHS Direct: Yes, wash then for at least 20 seconds

Neil Diamond: Touching hands

NHS Direct: No, please don't touch hands

Neil Diamond: Reaching out

NHS Direct: Avoid that too

Neil Diamond: Touching me

NHS Direct: I don't think you've been listening

Neil Diamond: Touching YOU.

NHS Direct: Oh hell.

Neil Diamond: Sweet Corona...

[SimonMac]

Neil Diamond: Hands

NHS Direct: Yes, wash then for at least 20 seconds

Neil Diamond: Touching hands

NHS Direct: No, please don't touch hands

Neil Diamond: Reaching out

NHS Direct: Avoid that too

Neil Diamond: Touching me

NHS Direct: I don't think you've been listening

Neil Diamond: Touching YOU.

NHS Direct: Oh hell.

Neil Diamond: Sweet Corona...

NEIL DIAMOND: touching hands
CDC: no don’t touch hands
NEIL DIAMOND: reaching out
CDC: please avoid that
NEIL DIAMOND: TOUCHING YOU-
CDC: everyone is Boston is doomed

STING: Don't stand
Don't stand so
Don't stand so close to me
CDC: Now you're talkin
STING: Every breath you take, every step you make...
CDC: Yes, we will be watching you.

Proclaimers: But I would walk 500 miles and I would walk 500 more just to be the man who walks a thousand miles to fall down at your door
CDC: Please quarantine in place

MC Hammer: You can't touch this
CDC: Not without proper sterilization and washing hands

JIM MORRISON: COME ON, COME ON, COME ON NOW TOUCH ME, BABY!
CDC: That is not advised.
JIM MORRISON: CAN'T YOU SEE THAT I AM NOT AFRAID?
CDC: Immaterial.

Phil Collins: She seems to have an invisible touch
CDC: get her into quarantine immediately!


Pink Floyd: HEY YOU
CDC: oh hell
Pink Floyd: out there on your own
CDC: ok, self quarantined, not so bad
Pink Floyd: sitting naked by the phone WOULD YOU TOUCH ME
CDC: god damnit

EXILE: I want to kiss you all over
CDC: Absolutely not.
EXILE: and over again.
CDC: GOTTDAMNIT!!

Alanis: Cause I got one hand in my pocket.
CDC: Make sure it's sanitized.
Alanis: And the other one is giving a high five.
CDC: That's it. I quit!

MILEY: "It's a Party in the USA!"
CDC: "You really should avoid large gatherings."
MILEY: "My tummy's turnin' and I'm feelin' kinda home sick!"
CDC: "See! What did I tell you?"

Bon Jovi: Your love is like bad medicine.
CDC: We're actually still finding the cure.
Bon Jovi: Bad medicine is what I need.
CDC: It most certainly is not.

BEATLES: Yeah you, got that something, I think you'll understand
CDC: It's Covid-19
BEATLES: I wanna hold your hand
CDC: Not advisable
BEATLES: I wanna hold your hand
CDC: No

Eddie Money: Take me home tonight!
CDC: NO!

Foreigner: “I’M HOT-BLOODED! Check it and see.”
CDC: “Well, yes, we do advise constant monitoring of body tempera
Foreigner: “I’VE GOT A FEVER OF A HUNDRED AND THREE!”
CDC: “Dear God. Why are you still singing? Can we get an ambulance here? Right away?”

Robert Palmer: Doctor, doctor, give me the news. I've got.a bad case
CDC: Oh no...
Palmer: Of loving you
CDC: *sigh of relief*

[SimonMac]

Neil Diamond: Hands

NHS Direct: Yes, wash then for at least 20 seconds

Neil Diamond: Touching hands

NHS Direct: No, please don't touch hands

Neil Diamond: Reaching out

NHS Direct: Avoid that too

Neil Diamond: Touching me

NHS Direct: I don't think you've been listening

Neil Diamond: Touching YOU.

NHS Direct: Oh hell.

Neil Diamond: Sweet Corona...

Ba, Ba, Baa!

[vetran]

ba, ba, baa! Barbara Ann

ftfy

ba, ba, baa! Wahey!!!

ftf pc & bp

[SimonMac]

Supermarket shelves are empty, so I called my local Indian market.

“Do you have any butter?”

“We only have ghee.”

“Ah, thanks for clarifying.”