Please put more jokes here

[WTFH]

The head of MI5 said recently that terrorism poses a threat to every single person in the UK. I’m OK then, I’m married.

[shaunbhoy]

My friend's wife left him last week.

She said she was going out for milk and never came back.

I asked him how he was coping.

He said "Not bad, I've been using some of that powdered stuff"

[LondonManc]

My grandfather has the heart of a lion....
and a lifetime ban from Chester Zoo.

[mudskipper]

I got mugged by six dwarfs last night.
Not happy.

[LondonManc]

My aunt Marge has been so ill for so long that we've started to call her "I can't believe she's not better".

[GreenMirror]

To clear my windscreen this morning I used a discount card. But I could only get 10% off.

[DaveB]

Everyone kept asking Pavlov why his hair was so soft and shiney.

He told them he Conditioned it.

[LondonManc]

Hopefully, I've got a book coming out soon. Shouldn't have eaten it, really.

[JohntheBike]

I got mugged by six dwarfs last night.
Not happy.

the seven dwarfs were all taking a bath and feeling Happy. Happy got out, so they felt Grumpy.

[LondonManc]

As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil three times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it really.