Please put more jokes here

[BrilloPad]

New Age corporate and investment acronyms

CEO: chief embezzlement officer.

CFO: corporate fraud officer.

P/E: parole entitlement.

EPS: eventual prison sentence.

BULL MARKET: A random market movement causing an investor to mistake
himself for a financial genius.

BEAR MARKET: A 6 to 18-month period when the kids get no allowance,
the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.

MOMENTUM INVESTING: The fine art of buying high and selling low.

VALUE INVESTING: The art of buying low and selling lower

P/E RATIO: The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the
market keeps crashing.

BUY, BUY: A flight attendant making market recommendations as you
step off the plane.

STANDARD & POOR: Your life in a nutshell.

STOCK ANALYST: Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

FINANCIAL PLANNER: A guy who actually remembers his wallet when he
runs to the 7-11 for toilet paper and cigarettes.

MARKET CORRECTION: The day after you buy stocks.

CASH FLOW: The movement your money makes as it disappears down the
toilet.

WINDOWS 2000: What you jump out of when you're the sucker that bought
Yahoo @ $240 per share.

YAHOO: What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240
per share.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR: Someone who has owned equities for the
last two years and who's now locked up long-term in a hospital

PROFIT: Religious guy who talks to God

[BrilloPad]

Three explorers finally stumble upon King Solomons Mines and are almost
stupified at the hundreds of chests of precious stones all around.

Then one explorer sees a huge idol with a massive ruby in its forhead, at
least six inches in diametre.

He slowly climes up the idol, sits on its nose, and starts hacking at the
ruby when the idol says "If you want the ruby, f**k me". The explorer
yells, slithers down the idol and runs screaming into the jungle.

The remaining two shrug and comment that there is now more between them.

At this point, the second explorer spies the ruby and also climbes the
idol, rests on its nose, and starts hacking at the ruby. Once again the
idol whispers "If you want the ruby, f**k me". The second explorer almost
leaps to the ground and stumbes off into the jungle screaming.

"It's all mine" gasps the remaining explorer and then sees the ruby on the
idol. He must have it, and clomes up the idol, and leaning on its nose,
starts hacking at the ruby. And again the idol whispers, "If you want the
ruby, f**k me". Our third explorer, made of sterner stuff, looks that the
idol and says, I'll get <insert the name of the person you are telling the
joke to here>, he's an idol f**ker!

[BrilloPad]

A man wonders if having sex on Sunday is a sin because he is not sure if
sex is work or play.

So he goes to a priest and asks for his opinion on this question. After
consulting the Bible, the priest says,

"My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is
work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays"

The man thinks: "What does a priest know about sex?"

So he goes to a minister who, after all, is a married man and
experienced in this matter. He queries the minister and receives the
same reply. Sex is work and therefore not for Sunday.

Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out a Rabbi, a man of thousands of
years tradition and knowledge. The Rabbi ponders the question, then
states,

"My son, sex is definitely play."

The man replies, "Rabbi, can you be so sure when so many others tell me
sex is work?"

The Rabbi softly speaks,

"My son, if sex were work, my wife would have the maid do it.

[BrilloPad]

An Englishman, an Aussie and a South African are in a bar one night,
having a beer. All of a sudden the South African downs his beer,
throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass
to pieces and says: "In Sath Efrika our glasses are so cheap that
we don't need to drink from the same one twice."


The Aussie, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his
glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces
and says: "Well mate, in 'Straaaaailia we have so much sand to make
the glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice
either."


The Englishman, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it,
throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun, shoots the South
African and the Australian and then says: "In London we have so
many ***ing South Africans and Australians that we don't need to
drink with the same ones twice".

[BrilloPad]

Two married blokes are out drinking one night when one turns
to the other and says,

"You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after
we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to
the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the
garage......... I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I
sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom, I ease into
bed and my wife STILL wakes up and says "AND WHAT TIME DO YOU CALL
THIS?"......................

His mate looks at him and says,

"Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into
the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps throw my shoes
into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's bum and
say, "How about a blow job??" and she's always sound asleep."

[BrilloPad]

A blonde was driving down the motorway when her mobile phone rang.
It was her husband, urgently warning her: "Honey, I just heard on
the news that there's a car going the wrong way on the M25. Please
be careful!"

"It's not just one car!" said the blonde, "There's f***ing
hundreds of them!"

[BrilloPad]

An old farmer had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large
pond in the back, fixed up nicely; picnic tables, horseshoe courts,
basketball court, etc. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for
swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't
been there for a while, and look it over. As he neared the pond, he heard
voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a
group of young women skinny dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end
of the pond. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until
you leave!"

The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or
make you get out of the pond naked.

"I only came to feed the alligator."

Moral: Old age and treachery will triumph over youth and skill

[BrilloPad]

Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the play ground and go into the
woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane in a
"Passionate Embrace." Little Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely
contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly....
"MOMMYMOMMY, IWASATTHEPLAYGROUNDANDDADDYAND.." Mommy tells him to slow down.
She wants to hear the story. So Little Johnny tells her. "I was at the
playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went
back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take
off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane
laid down on the seat, then Daddy.." At this point, Mommy cut him off and
said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest
of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell
it tonight." At the dinner table, Mommy asks Little Johnny to tell his story.
Johnny starts his story, describing the car into the woods, the undressing,
laying down on the seat, and....."then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same
thing Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the army."

[BrilloPad]

One day, a mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a
street performer. As soon as he starts to draw a crowd, the zoo keeper grabs
him and drags him into his office.

The zoo keeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction,
a gorilla, died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will
fall off.

He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get
another one. The mime accepts the offer.

So, the next morning, before the crowd arrives, the mime puts on the
gorilla suit and enters the cage. He discovers that it's a great job. He can
sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people, and he draws larger crowds
than he ever did as a mime on the street.

However, eventually the crowd tires of him, and he tires of just swinging
on auto tires. He notices that the people are paying more attention to the
lion in the next cage. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he
climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from
the top of the lion's cage.
Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it. At the end
of the day the zoo keeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a
good attraction.

Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the
crowd grows larger, and his salary keeps going up.

Then, one day, when he is dangling over the top of the lion's cage, he
slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion raises himself up and
prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run around the
cage with the lion in hot pursuit.

Finally, the mime starts screaming, "Help! Help me!"

The lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back
looking up at the angry lion.

The lion says, "Shut up, you idiot, or we'll both lose our jobs!"

[BrilloPad]

1. My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.

2. Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money.If you are my bank, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female,don't worry, I have LOTS of money.

3. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So, leave a message.

4. Hello! If you leave a message,I'll call you soon.If you leave a "sexy' message, I'll call sooner.

5. "Hi! Now you say something."

6. "Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets."

7. "Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, a hot tub, or any subscriptions and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office. If you are still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you."

8. "This is not an answering machine -- this is a telepathic thought recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I will think about returning your call."

9. "Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know who you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up."

10. "Hi. I am probably home. I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you."

11. "Hi. This is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back."

12. "Hi. If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message."


13. Hello, you've reached Rod and Lisa. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy.Lisa likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it side to side... real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth, we'll call you back.