Best Man

[Pondlife]

You'll be great, just don't stress about it.

You can now adapt the classic, " Excuse me for being a little nervous and believe me this isn't the first time today I've got up from a warm seat with pieces of paper in my hand" with an additional "imagine my surprise to find all they had was some moss and a couple of twigs"

Rip the crap out of them (him really) but stay semi respectful of parents/in laws etc.

[shaunbhoy]

Have the honour of being the best man for an old university friend at his wedding in a couple of weeks. This means I am going to have to make a speech. Normally a daunting prospect in any event but made more so by the fact that all his family are so damn PC.

Already been upbraided by his sister in law for using her bog. Apparently I should have used the compost toilet in the garden.

This ought to give you some ideas. I know this is the Father of the Bride speech, but it can be modified to fit. You just HAVE to use the line about the Gardening Simile!!!

[d000hg]

They want you to poo on their compost heap and you're worried they'll find what you say offensive?

[MarillionFan]

God, they sound like The Modern Parents from Viz.

How about a story that takes the mick out of that PC attitude?

WHS

Throw in the anecdote about how their so posh they get out of the shower to have a piss which you never do. Especially this morning when you got showered at their house.

[BlasterBates]

A best man's speech for a bunch of PC Greenies, who expect you to use the compost bog in the garden, come on that's going to be fun. Don't spare the punches, go for complete and utter humiliation, especially the Sister in law.

[realityhack]

Wurzel - they're expecting you to be the mildly offensive light entertainment - you have carte blanche to exploit their ninny sandal-wearing ways - goodness knows half the family will relate to it!

The best best-mans' speeches I've heard were honest, heartfelt (but not mushy) and contained at least a few embarrassing stories about the groom without being a boring beerfest cliche. What makes him unique? Why is he the character he is? And (if you know the couple well) why are they such a perfect match?

Rip the tofu-gobblers to bits.

[Zippy]

Isn't the point of a best man's speech to be a bit un-PC? Most parents/family are braced for it.
You could tell that hilarious story about when he used 5 sheets of toilet roll when three would have done?
Seriously - keep it non-anatomical and I'm sure all will be well. And good luck!

[v8gaz]

Don't ask me, I have only been a best man once, and they guy never spoke to me again That was 20 years ago

I recommend the track day though - you find that many car-haters are only that way because they have never experienced the fun of a decent car and a good day's driving. Turn him - its your challenge!

[wurzel]

God, they sound like The Modern Parents from Viz.

How about a story that takes the mick out of that PC attitude?

There was a book called Politically Correct Fairy Stories for Children, or something. Very funnt & a complete p!ss take. They need to do the same thing with best man speeches.

[OwlHoot]

Already been upbraided by his sister in law for using her bog. Apparently I should have used the compost toilet in the garden.

Brother's a regular attendee on those naked bike ride protests & he hates cars - so a track day was out of the question for the stag do.

God, they sound like The Modern Parents from Viz.

How about a story that takes the mick out of that PC attitude?

[shaunbhoy]

Think I'm just going to lie. And talk a load of bollocks.

Might I suggest a search on "sasguru" and "AtW" threads then?
Ought to provide more than ample material to work from.

HTH

[wurzel]

Have the honour of being the best man for an old university friend at his wedding in a couple of weeks. This means I am going to have to make a speech. Normally a daunting prospect in any event but made more so by the fact that all his family are so damn PC.

Already been upbraided by his sister in law for using her bog. Apparently I should have used the compost toilet in the garden.
Brother's a regular attendee on those naked bike ride protests & he hates cars - so a track day was out of the question for the stag do.

He's the black sheep of the family & would probably have been happy with a weekend in Benidorm but I think I've found some middle ground by chartering a yacht for the weekend. Not much carbon of a carbon footprint there.

That just leaves the speech. Normally I would just tell a few anecdotes that involve maximum embarrassment to the groom. Definitely can't go there. Looked at those websites but I always feel that that's cheating.

Think I'm just going to lie. And talk a load of bollocks. So I'm going to appropriate a few stories from some of these sockpuppets that abound on this site and make out that he was the object of the story. Most of them seem fairly surreal & inoffensive enough - so long as their owners don't mind of course.

Any links to particularly amusing sockie threads would be appreciated.

Once that's done, I'm going to get so paralytically drunk that I won't be able to participate in any of the dreaded bongo workshops they've arranged for the evening's entertainment.