Please put more jokes here

[BrilloPad]

A Few One Liners

Ah, yes, divorce......., from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's
genitals through his wallet.
Robin Williams

Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.
Billy Crystal

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a
look that says, "My God, you're right! I never would've thought of
that!"
Sean Connery

According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable
undressing
in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They
say
that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.
Robert De Niro

I am not the boss of my house. I don't know how I lost it. I don't know
when I lost it. I don't think I ever had it. But I've seen the boss's
job and I don't want it.
Bill Cosby

In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the Wonder Bra. Is
that
really a problem in this country? Men not paying enough attention to
women's
breasts?
Hugh Grant

We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines.
They don't know if we can fight or if we can kill. I think we can. All
the
general has to do is walk over to the women and say, "You see the enemy
over
there? They say you look fat in those uniforms."
Elayne Boosler (who?)

There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are
having
allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe
swelling.
So what's the problem?
Dustin Hoffman

When the sun comes up, I have morals again.
Elizabeth Taylor

There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think
there's a lot they don't know.
Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just
show me somebody naked."
Jerry Seinfield

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
George Clooney

Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don'tlike
and just give her a house.
Rod Stewart

The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirablejob.
But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end
of
the night, drop them off at the wrong house.
Jeff Bridges

See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only
enough
blood to run one at a time.
Robin Williams

[BrilloPad]

Things I've learned as I have matured

I've learned that you cannot make
someone love you. All you can do is
stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

I've learned that no matter how much I care,
some people are just assholes.

I've learned that it takes years
to build up trust, and it only takes
suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

I've learned that you can get by
on charm for about fifteen minutes.
After that, you'd better have a big willy
or huge boobs.

I've learned that you shouldn't
compare yourself to others - they are
more screwed up than you think.

I've learned that you can keep vomiting
long after you think you're finished.

I've learned that we are responsible
for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

I've learned that regardless of
how hot and steamy a relationship is at
first, the passion fades, and there had better
be a lot of money to take its place.

I've learned that 99% of the time when something
isn't working in your house, one of your kids did it

I've learned that the people you care most
about in life are taken from you too soon
and all the less important ones just never go away.

I've learned to say "F--- 'em if they can't take a joke"
in 6 languages.

[BrilloPad]

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is Politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the head
of the family, so call me The President. Your mother is the
administrator of the money, so we call her the Government. We're here to
take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll
consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him
the
Future. Now think about that and see if it makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to
check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy. So
the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother sound
asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door
locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the
nanny.
He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, "Dad, I think
I understand the concept of politics now."

The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you
think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "The President is screwing the Working Class
while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and
the
Future is in Deep tulip.

[BrilloPad]

A most distinguished looking lady walks into a tattoo parlour,
and sits down. The owner, amazed at seeing such a sophisticated
woman in his seedy tattoo shop, goes over to see the woman and
immediately asks if he could help her.

To his shock, and utter delight, she lifts her designer dress
up and points to her left inner thigh...very high up....

"Right here" she says, "I want you to tattoo a turkey with the
word 'Thanksgiving' under it."

Then she points to her right inner thigh...just as high up, and
says, "On this side, I want you to tattoo a Christmas tree, with
lights and tinsel, and an angel on top, and underneath the tree
I want the word 'Christmas'."

The tattoo artist looks at her, puzzled, and says, "Lady, it's
none of my business, but that is the most unusual request I have
ever had. Why in the world would you want that?"

"Well," the lady says, "I am sick and tired of my husband
always complaining that there is never anything good to eat
between Thanksgiving and Christmas."

[BrilloPad]

> According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and
> female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop
> their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid
> December.
>
> Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the
> spring.
>
> Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's
> reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen........had to
> be a girl.
>
> We should've known - only women would be able to drag a fat man in a red
> velvet suit all around the world in one night, and not get lost!

[BrilloPad]

These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken
down and now published by court reporters - who had the torment of
staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

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Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

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Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've
forgotten?

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Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

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Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up
that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

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Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or
the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

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Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
doesn't know about it until the next morning?

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Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

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Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

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Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

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Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

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Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

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Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

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Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice
which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

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Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

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Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

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Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy.

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Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

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Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the
autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
somewhere.

[BrilloPad]

Three Frenchmen were discussing the meaning of Savoir-faire.

The first man said, "If you are in bed with another man's wife, and he
walks in and says, 'Oops, pardon me.' That is Savoir-faire."

The second one says, "No, No, if you are in bed with another man's wife,
and he walks in and says, 'Oops! Pardon me, please continue.' That is
Savoir-faire."

The third Frenchman says, "Mais non. If you are in bed with another man's
wife, and he walks in and says, 'Oops, pardon me! Please continue...' and
you CAN, that, mes amis, is Savoir-faire."

[BrilloPad]

"I don't want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me
the truth even if it costs them their jobs." -- Samuel Goldwyn

[BrilloPad]

A Chinese couple named Wong had a new baby. The nurse brings
them over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, definitely Caucasian
white baby boy!
"Congratulations," says the nurse to the new parents. "What
will you name the baby?"
The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, "Well,
two Wong's don't make a white, so I think we will name him
Sum Ting Wong."

[BrilloPad]

Why, Why, Why
do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection? < BR>
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'Lisp'?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly re turn to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?' Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That hurt, you stupid idiot?'

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in- law jokes?

And my FAVORITE......

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.
I've done my job and sent this email to you , now it's up to you to send it on.