Please put more jokes here

[BrilloPad]

Every man should get married some time; after all, happiness is not the
only thing in life!!
--Anonymous
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Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should be
happier than others.
--Oscar Wilde
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Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper.
--Scottish Proverb
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I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.
--Sam Kinison
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A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that your
wife will give you for free.
--Anonymous
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Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn't,
They'd be married too.
--H. L. Mencken
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Men have a better time than women; for one thing, they marry later; for
another thing, they die earlier.
--H. L. Mencken
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- "A man without a woman is like a fish without a bicycle."
- U2
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When a newly married couple smiles, everyone knows why! When a ten-year
married couple smiles, everyone wonders why?
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Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener.
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When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of
one thing: either the car is new or the wife.
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I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back to home
--Anonymous
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I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" She said,
"Somewhere I have never been!" I told her, "How about the kitchen?"
--Anonymous
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We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
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My wife was in beauty saloon for two hours. That was only for the
estimate.
--Anonymous
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She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
--Anonymous
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She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, and "Am I too late for the
garbage?" Following her down the street I yelled, "No, jump in."
--Anonymous
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My wife dresses to kill. She also cooks the same way.
--Henny Youngman
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My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
-Rodney Dangerfield
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A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
-Milton Berle
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I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There was water in the
carburetor." I asked her, "Where's the car?" She replied, "In the lake."
-Henny Youngman
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The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
-Henny Youngman
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After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when
I married you." The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and
didn't notice."
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When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him
keep her.
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I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.
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My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got myself two
girlfriends.
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A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it
since the thief was spending much less than his wife did.
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Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.
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A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get
married?" The father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
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Young Son: Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa a Man doesn't
know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, Son.
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Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until
I got married; then it was too late.
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A woman was telling her friend, "I made my husband a millionaire." "And
what was he before you married him?" asked the friend. "A billionaire."
she replied,
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Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage
is the triumph of hope over experience.
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It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems
longer.
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Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
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Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking
they had no faults at all.
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A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A
successful woman is one who can find such a man.

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Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've
experienced pain and bought jewellery.
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First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive

[BrilloPad]

Heard while performing colonoscopies

A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his
patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

* I usually don't do this on the first date.

* "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone
before!"

* "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"


* "Can you hear me now?"

* "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

* "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."

* "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"

* "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out, you put
your left and in and you shake it all about...."

* "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"

* "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!"

* "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."

* "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"

And the best one of them all...

* "Could you write a note for my wife saying that, in your considered
medical opinion, my head is *not* up there?"

[BrilloPad]

Subject: FW: Alternative Nursery Rhymes


Mary had a little lamb.
Her father shot it dead.

Now it goes to school with her, between two chunks of bread.





Jack and Jill Went up the hill to have some hanky panky.

Silly Jill forgot her pill

And now there's little Franky.





Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet, her clothes all tattered and torn.

It wasn't the spider that crept beside her, But Little Boy Blue and his horn





Old Mother Hubbard Went to the cupboard to fetch her poor dog a bone.

When she bent over Rover took over and gave her a bone of his own.





Mary had a little lamb

It ran into a pylon.

10,000 volts went up its arse and turned its wool to nylon





Simple Simon met a Pieman, going to the fair.

Said Simple Simon to the Pieman,

What have you got there?

Said the Pieman unto Simon,

Pies, you d!ckhead.





Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.

All the kings horses and all the kings men, Said "**** him, He's only an egg.





Georgie Porgy pudding and pie.

Kissed the girls and made them cry.

When the boys came out to play, He kissed them too, cause he was gay.

[BrilloPad]

1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
2. A day without sunshine is like . . . night.
3. On the other hand you have different fingers.
4. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
5. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
6. Remember half the people you know are below average.
7. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
8. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
9. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
10. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the

cheese.
11. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
12. I intend to live forever--so far so good.
13. Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back.
14. Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
15. Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
16. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going
the wrong way.
17. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
18. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
19. Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
20. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
21. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
22. Two wrongs are only the beginning.
23. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
24. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
25. Change is inevitable . . . except from vending machines.
26. Always try to be modest - and be proud of it!
27. How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...
28. If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.

[BrilloPad]

15 PIECES OF ADVICE TO BE PASSED ON TO YOUR MUM, YOUR DAUGHTERS OR
GRANDDAUGHTERS, NIECES, AUNTS, GIRLFRIENDS, ETC.

1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in nappies.

2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.

3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.

4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.

5. Go for the younger man. You might as well, they never mature anyway.

6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.

7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

9. Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.

10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in Biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.

13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him cheque books.

14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.

15. Sadly, all men are created equal.

[BrilloPad]

Can anyone help with this software problem my friend is experiencing?

Eighteen months ago he upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from Drinking Mates 4.2 which he'd used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.

To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is also incompatible with several other applications, such as Lads Night Out 3.1, Football 2 and Playboy 6.1. Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better. A shareware beta-program, Party Girl 2.1 had many bugs and left a virus in his system, forcing him to shut down completely for several weeks. Eventually he tried to run Girlfriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to all his hardware.

Sensing a way out, he upgraded to Fiancée 1.0 only to discover that this product has to be upgraded to Wife 1.0. He did this largely because, whilst Wife 1.0 uses up all available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSex Plus and Cleanhouse 2000. However my friend discovered that Wife 1.0 can be very unstable and costly to run. For example, any mistakes he made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted, they then resurfaced months later. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary Explorer and E-mail porn filter, and can, without warning, launch Photostrop and Whingezip. These latter products have no helpfiles and he has to try and guess the problem himself.

Additional costly problems are that the Wife 1.0 bundle that came with the original system needs updating regularly, requiring Shoe Shop Browser Pro for new attachments and Hairstyle Express needs to be reinstalled every other week. It also conflicted with some of the new games he wanted to try, stating that they are an illegal operation. When Wife 1.0 attaches itself to his Audi TT programme it often crashes or runs the system dry. Wife 1.0 also has a rather annoying pop-up called Mother-in-Law, which can't be turned off.

Recently he's been tempted to try Mistress 2000, but there could be problems, if Wife 1.0 detects the presence of Mistress 2000 it will delete all MS Money files before un-installing itself.

Tough one? Any suggestions???

[BrilloPad]

Doesnt it annoy you when...

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time....I know where my watch is pal, where the **** is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". ******* right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the **** would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?" No tosser, I paid $5 to come to the cinema and stare at the ******* floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?". Didn't really give me a choice there, did you sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

8. When people say "life is short". What the ****?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever ******* does!! What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, Knobhead?

10. People who say things like 'My eyes aren't what they used to be'. So what did they used to be? ears, Wellington boots?

11. When your eating something and someone asks 'Is that nice?' No it's really revolting I always eat stuff I hate.

12. McDonalds staff who pretend they don't understand you unless you insert the 'Mc' before the item you are ordering.... It has to be a McChicken Burger. Just a Chicken Burger get blank looks........... Well I'll have a McStraw and jam it in your McEyes you McTosser.

13. When you are involved in a accident and someone asks 'are you alright?'. Yes fine thanks, I'll just pick up my limbs and be off.

[BrilloPad]

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife.

What type of bra?" asked the clerk.

Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?

Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras every shape, size, color and material imaginable.

Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from.

Relieved, the man asked about the types. The saleslady replied:

There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?

Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.

The Saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple...

The Catholic type supports the masses.

The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen,

The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and

The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills.

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes?

If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!

(A} Almost Boobs...

{B} Barely there.

{C} Can't Complain!

{D} Dang!

{DD} Double dang!

{E} Enormous!

{F} Fake.

{G} Get a Reduction.

{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up !

[Diver]

At the end of this, you are asked a question.
Answer it immediately. Don't stop and think about it.
Just say the first thing that pops into your mind.
Fun Test..This is kind of spooky!
If you do not believe this, pass it around and you'll see.
Be sure to put in the subject line if you are among the 98% or the 2%
and send to everyone, including the person that sent it to you.
Amazing test....just follow the instructions as quickly as possible.

Do not go to the next calculation before you have finished the previous
one.
You do not need to write or remember the answers, just do it using your
mind. You'll be surprised.
Start:
How much is . . :
15 + 6
3 + 56
89 + 2
12 + 53
75 + 26
25 + 52
63 + 32
I know! Calculations are hard work, but it's nearly over..
Come on, one more..
123 + 5
QUICK! THINK ABOUT A TOOL AND A COLOR!
Scroll further to the bottom...





A bit more.





You just thought about a red hammer, didn't you?
If this is not your answer, you are among 2% of people who have a
different, if not abnormal, mind. 98% of the folks would answer a red hammer while doing this
exercise.
If you do not believe this, pass it around and you'll see.
Be sure to put in the subject line if you are among the 98% or the 2%
and send to everyone.

Spooky is right red hammer

[BrilloPad]

Spooky is right red hammer

its odd - I must google this. Helps understand how to influence people...