Please put more jokes here

[Ardesco]

Shift + F3 is your freind

[BA to the Stars]

Cheers Ardesco - thanks for the info

[ElectricChair]

There was this fellow who worked in a post office whose job it was to
process all mail that had illegible addresses. One day a letter came to
his desk, addressed in a shaky handwriting to God. He thought, "Oh boy,
better open this one and see what it's all about." So he opened it and read,


"Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow living on a very small pension.
Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had a hundred dollars in it which
was all the money I had until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Easter,
and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I
have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my
only hope. Can you please help me?"


The postal worker was touched, and went around showing the letter to all
the others. Each of them dug into his wallet and came up with a few
dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected 96 dollars,
which they put into an envelope and sent over to her. The rest of the
day,all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of the nice thing they had
done.


Easter came and went, and a few days later came another letter from the
old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was
opened.
It read, "Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for
me? Because of your generosity, I was able to fix a lovely dinner for my
friends. We had a very nice day, and I told my friends of your wonderful
gift. By the way, there was 4 dollars missing. It was probably those
thieving bastards at the post office."

[macro]

Last wish

Three friends from the local congregation were asked, “When you’re in your coffin, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?”

Bill said: “I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man.”

John commented: “I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people’s lives.”

Don said: “I’d like them to say, “Look, he’s moving!”

[Colemanisor]

NewlyWeds

2 NewlyWeds turn up at a Hotel and ask for the Honeymoon Suite..Receptionist asks "Do you have any Reservations"....Bride says "Yeah im not sure about taking it up the @rse"......

[TheFaQQer]

Two sisters, a blonde and a brunette, have been left a farm when their father dies. In order to keep the herd of cattle growing, they decide that they need to buy a bull to service the cows, and so get calves.

They are short of cash, and need a real prize winner, so the brunette takes their last £1000 to the nearest prize bull breeder, and tells her sister that she will send a telegram to let her know that she should come and pick them up.

When she gets to the farm, she haggles for the best prize winning bull that the farmer has available - and manages to get it for £999. Pleased with her purchase, she goes into town to send the telegram.

She walks into the post office, and explains to the man behind the counter that she needs to send a telegram to her sister to say that she has bought a top class, prize winning bull, and she should come and pick her and the animal up. The man behind the counter explains that that's no problem - it will be £1 a word though.

After thinking for a while, she decides to send a telegram to her sister that says

"Comfortable."

"How will your sister know what to do with that short message?" the man asks her.

"Well," she replies, "she reads slowly!"

[Burdock]

Zeity, I don't get your Cwmtwrch jokes!!

Or is that the point?!

[The Lone Gunman]

For Zeity:
There were these two English chaps having lunch in Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysilio gogogoch.

They aproached the waitress and said that they were having trouble pronouncing where they were and asked her to say it realy slowly for them
















She answered B - U - R - G - E - R - K - I - N - G

[ChimpMaster]

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in
the first class section of an airplane. The woman
sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose,
then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.
The man went back to his reading.
A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue,
wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.
Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was
still curious about the shuddering.
A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet
again. As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her
body shaking even more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to
the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that
! you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then
shuddered violently. Are you OK?"

"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare
medical condition. When ever I sneeze I have an
orgasm."

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still
curious..
I have never heard of that condition before"
he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"
The woman nodded, "Pepper."

[Colemanisor]

Will I Live to 80?

I recently picked a new primary care doctor.
After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"


He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco or drink beer or wine?"

"Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either!"

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"

I said, "No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"

"No, I don't," I said.

He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"

"No," I said.

He looked at me and said, "Then, why do you even give a tulip?"