Just because nobody complains doesn't mean all parachutes are perfect.
- Visitors can check out the Forum FAQ by clicking this link. You have to register before you can post: click the REGISTER link above to proceed. To start viewing messages, select the forum that you want to visit from the selection below. View our Forum Privacy Policy.
- Want to receive the latest contracting news and advice straight to your inbox? Sign up to the ContractorUK newsletter here. Every sign up will also be entered into a draw to WIN £100 Amazon vouchers!
Please put more jokes here
Collapse
X
Collapse
-
-
I got an odd-job man in.
He was useless.
Gave him a list of eight things to do and he only did numbers one, three, five and seven.{emotionless greeting}
Three Word SloganComment
-
My wife told me: “Sex is better on holiday.”
That wasn’t a very nice postcard to receive.{emotionless greeting}
Three Word SloganComment
-
The LAPD, the FBI, & the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling, "Okay, okay, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit!"Comment
-
Originally posted by WTFH View PostMy wife told me: “Sex is better on holiday.”
That wasn’t a very nice postcard to receive."If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."
I want to see the hand of history on his collar.Comment
-
Originally posted by vetran View PostIt was addressed to Brillo?Comment
-
"Oh dear, he's missed the blue after avoiding brown and dropped the green." I said.
"I didn't know snooker was on, I thought it was over till May" replied my wife.
"It is," I answered, "I'm watching the council bin man."{emotionless greeting}
Three Word SloganComment
-
I went to see my doctor the other day, I said "That hemorrhoid cream you prescribed me, I applied it the other day as you directed and I got a very bad reaction to it"
He asked "Where exactly did you apply it"?
I replied "When I was going home on the bus"{emotionless greeting}
Three Word SloganComment
-
Christmas is over, but Valentine's Day is just around the corner, so I asked The Wife (tm) what she wanted.
Her reply was "Something with diamonds in it"
I just hope they arrive in time:
Estimated between Mon. 29 Jan. and Tue. 13 Mar.{emotionless greeting}
Three Word SloganComment
-
Originally posted by WTFH View PostI went to see my doctor the other day, I said "That hemorrhoid cream you prescribed me, I applied it the other day as you directed and I got a very bad reaction to it"
He asked "Where exactly did you apply it"?
I replied "When I was going home on the bus"
A week later he was still not better. The doctor asked him if he had taken the pills.
"I swallowed them evety day. For all the good they did me I might as well have shoved them up my 4rse".Comment
- Home
- News & Features
- First Timers
- IR35 / S660 / BN66
- Employee Benefit Trusts
- Agency Workers Regulations
- MSC Legislation
- Limited Companies
- Dividends
- Umbrella Company
- VAT / Flat Rate VAT
- Job News & Guides
- Money News & Guides
- Guide to Contracts
- Successful Contracting
- Contracting Overseas
- Contractor Calculators
- MVL
- Contractor Expenses
Advertisers
Contractor Services
CUK News
- Is networking as an IT contractor important, and how to network successfully? Today 08:33
- Ads on Facebook stating 'get your money from the taxman' get banned, after misleading contractors Yesterday 23:36
- Six tips for contractors with work-life balance syncing issues Yesterday 08:29
- Contractor business coach backs at least five new LinkedIn hacks Yesterday 08:19
- Six tips for contractors with work-life balance syncing issues Yesterday 07:29
- Capita's flimsy, unacceptable response to getting hacked won't calm contractor nerves Jun 2 08:20
- Contractors, UKRI's GBP36million in IR35 mistakes will make your private sector clients balk Jun 1 08:23
- Contractors who like saving tax won't want to miss HMRC's three-year winding-up window Jun 1 08:12
- 5 ways to stand out and succeed as a contractor May 31 07:30
- Top 10 tips for new contractors May 31 07:24
Comment