Please put more jokes here

[vetran]

She laughed so hard the tears ran down her legs.

Good job I made Mrs BP happy.

[vetran]

for some of our readers

I wish someone would invent a spermicide aerosol.

That way, cleaning the keyboard of my laptop would be so much easier.

[vetran]

for MF

Doctor said I need to lose weight.
"What's the heaviest you've been?" he asked.....
"18 & a half stone" I told him.
"And what's the lightest you've been?" said the doc....
"7lb 4oz" I replied.

[vetran]

Two Essex girls were chatting and one asked 'Did you enjoy your 18th last night'

The other said 'No, I was worn out from the other 17 that had me'

[vetran]

"Would you have sex with the lights on, or is that too kinky?" I asked my new girlfriend.

"No, that's not kinky at all," she replied.

"Great!" I said. "You stand there with your arms spread and I'll go and get the Christmas tree box."

[vetran]

Demi Moore. Man dead in pool.

Michael Barrymore. Man dead in pool.

Is this a new breed of moors murderers?

[vetran]

I'm not saying my wife is fat but she's just taken a selfie in panoramic mode.

[SimonMac]

After his performance of Bohemian Rhapsody at Glasto, I hope Kanye West carries on in the tradition of Freddie Mercury.

...and dies of AIDS.

--

I bought a Jihadi sex doll at the weekend.

It blows itself up.

--

During a job interview yesterday, I poured some water into a cup and it overflowed slightly, spilling onto the desk.

"Nervous?" asked the interviewer.

"No," I replied, "I always give 110%."

--

The Greek government is getting so desperate, it's started responding to emails from Nigerian millionaires.

--

11:34 - Arrived at crime scene.

11:34 - Examined body. Signs of a struggle.

11:34 - Found murder weapon in drain.

11:34 - Realised watch was broken.

--

I've opened a new restaurant called 'Peace and Quiet.'

Kids' meals are £200.

Read more: Forums @ The Digital Fix

[WTFH]

Peers are outraged at Lord Sewell's actions recently.
They have standards, after all.

He should not have been using a £5 to snort coke of a prostitute's chest!



The standards are that it should be a £20.

[pr1]

SIGNS YOU'VE BEEN IN LONDON TOO LONG
2. You think it is perfectly normal to pay over £3 for a pint.

haha just reading through this thread and found this (2008 post)... out of date humour is the best