Please put more jokes here

[vetran]

Give a man a fish and you'll feed him for a day.


Give a dog a toffee and you'll piss yourself laughing for half an hour.

[vetran]

If Ryanair put their prices up again, I'm going to have to stop smuggling drugs ...

and smuggle luggage up my arsehole instead.

[vetran]

for certain posters

Tsk. Some women. You give 'em an inch...

...and they laugh at your tiny cock.

[vetran]

I thought I heard James Blunt singing in an alley in town last night.

Turns out it was just a cat being molested.

[vetran]

They say that mental institutions are terrible places, but my mate seems to be having a whale of a time since he was committed.
He wears tight skirts, a blonde wig, only answers to the name Rachel, and believes that he works on Countdown.

He's living the life of Riley !

[vetran]

I was thinking of turning gay...

But if I'm honest, it would only involve looking at a different type of porn.

[vetran]

After worrying about my health, a doctor reassured me that the average size of a testicle is at least 2 inches long and 1 inch wide.

Thankfully, mine measure up. All three of them.

[vetran]

For Bessie

In the pub last night a foreign bloke said to my wife, "Where I come from, men would worship you."

I think he must have been a Hindu.

[vetran]

Only a few weeks ago we lost Ben. E. King and just this morning we have learned that B.B King has died.

If I were you, I would grab a Burger King today whilst you have the chance.

[vetran]

for MF

I missed my weekly 'Liars Anonymous' meeting last night.

I was having a threesome with Beyoncé and Katy Perry at the time.