Please put more jokes here

[SimonMac]

Couldn't remember the Roman numerals for 51, 6 and 500.

Livid.

[vetran]

a few clean jokes to tell SY's Granny.

How does the Solar System hold up its trousers? With an asteroid belt

• What kinds of music do planets sing? Neptunes

• An astronaut broke the law of gravity and earned a suspended sentence

• That was a poor joke about infinity – it didn't have an ending

Let's hope the new Jurassic World isn't a train rex of a film

• What do you call it when a dinosaur is involved in a car accident? Tyrannasaurus wreck

• What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus

• What do you call a blind dinosaur? Adoyouthinkhesaurus

• What do you get if you cross a pig with a dinosaur? Jurassic Pork

[SimonMac]

How does the Solar System hold up its trousers? With an asteroid belt

• What kinds of music do planets sing? Neptunes

• An astronaut broke the law of gravity and earned a suspended sentence

• That was a poor joke about infinity – it didn't have an ending

Let's hope the new Jurassic World isn't a train rex of a film

• What do you call it when a dinosaur is involved in a car accident? Tyrannasaurus wreck

• What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus

• What do you call a blind dinosaur? Adoyouthinkhesaurus

• What do you get if you cross a pig with a dinosaur? Jurassic Pork

What do you call a blind dinosaurs dog? Adoyouthinkhesaurus Rex

[vetran]

How did brave Egyptians write? In hero-glyphics

• Why couldn't the mummy answer the phone? She was tied up

• Why do mummies not tell secrets? They keep everything under wraps

• What was the most popular kids' movie in Ancient Greece? Troy Story

What kind of lighting did Noah have on the ark? Flood lights

• Where did Noah keep his bees? In the ark hives


What would they call a drugs festival at Stonehenge? Stonedhenge

• What would they call afternoon tea at Stonehenge? Sconehenge

Who was Socrates' worst student? Mediocrities

• Who was Socrates' busiest student? The one with a lot on his Plato

• What do you call a fliratatious philosopher: A Socratease

• What relative did Socrates need after his trial? An Aunty dote

[vetran]

What did Romans use to cut string? A pair of Caesars

• When Brutus asked Caesar how many oranges he had eaten, he replied: "Et two, Brute"

• What did Caesar say to Cleopatra? Toga-ther we can rule the world

• Why did the Romans build straight roads? So their soldiers didn't go around the bend

• Which famous Roman suffered from hayfever? Julius Sneezer

• Who refereed the tennis match between Caesar and Mark Anthony? A Roman Umpire

• Why did Julius Caesar buy crayons? He wanted to mark Antony

• Why was Shakespeare denied a drink at a pub? He was Bard

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation

• Jesus saves . . . but Keegan scores the rebound (famous football banner from the Seventies)

• Jesus said to Peter, "Come forth and I will give you eternal glory." Peter came fifth and won a toaster

What's a volcano's favourite historical document? The Magma Carte

• What does a volcano do when it wants food for a party? Orders a cratering company

• What did the boy volcano say to the girl volcano? I Lava You

[SimonMac]

• Why did the Romans build straight roads? So their soldiers didn't go around the bend

I know a different punch line to this, which only Catherine Tate's gran should hear

[TheFaQQer]

What does the B stand for in Benoit B. Mandelbrot?

Benoit B. Mandelbrot.

[TheFaQQer]

Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip?

To get to the other...oh...

[northernladuk]

Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip?

To get to the other...oh...

Erm, you can still cross a Mobius strip.. going along it is a different story surely...

[LondonManc]

Thought for the day:
If a man speaks and his wife cannot hear him, is he still wrong?