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Please put more jokes here

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    I just read a list of "The 100 Things To Do Before You Die". I was pretty surprised that "Yell for help" wasn't one of them.
    "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

    I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

    Comment


      Good religious advice

      I decided to go to the mixed religion seminar for the first time.
      I sat down and then the Catholic Priest came up to me, laid his hands on my head and said "By the will of God the Almighty and Jesus Christ, you will walk today".
      I told him I was not paralysed.
      Then came the pentecostal minister and laid his hands on me and said “By the will of God the Almighty, you will walk today'.
      Again I told him there was nothing wrong with me.
      Then came the Muslim Imam and laid his hands on me and said “By the will of Allah the Almighty, you will walk today'.
      Again I told him there was nothing wrong with me.
      Then came The Buddhist monk and laid his hands on me and said “By the will of Buddha, you will walk today'.
      Again I told him there was nothing wrong with me.
      After the prayers and sermons, I stepped outside and lo and behold, my pushbike had been stolen.
      "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

      I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

      Comment


        Bad Date

        17-2-14 = 1


        So I guess I'll be alone this year for Valentine's Day.
        "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

        I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

        Comment


          whats the difference between your lawn and your daughter? you make your lawn mown and I make your daughter moan.

          whats the difference between your lawn mower and your daughter? your mowers not one you can ride on.
          "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

          I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

          Comment


            Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.
            "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

            I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

            Comment


              Someone sent me a lump of plasticine through the post

              I don't know what to make of it
              "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

              I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

              Comment


                I accidentally ate a can of alphabetti spaghetti that was out of date. My next visit to the toilet could spell disaster.
                The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world that he didn't exist

                Comment


                  A horse walks into a bar, where he drinks every day . The bartender asks the horse if it's an alcoholic considering the amount of time he spends there drinking, to which the horse replies "I think not!" and POOF! the horse disappears.

                  This is the point in time when philosophy students begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am.

                  But to explain the concept beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.
                  "Being nice costs nothing and sometimes gets you extra bacon" - Pondlife.

                  Comment


                    Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it into water?

                    If it sinks --- girl ant
                    If it floats --- Buoyant
                    “The period of the disintegration of the European Union has begun. And the first vessel to have departed is Britain”

                    Comment


                      I saw a microbiologist today.
                      He was bigger than I expected.
                      “The period of the disintegration of the European Union has begun. And the first vessel to have departed is Britain”

                      Comment

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