Reply to: Upskilling "Soft" Skills

[fiisch]

Thanks - this is helpful. Must admit CBT sounded a bit extreme (I had only a vague idea of what it entailed), but having done some research it sounds like it could equip me with tools to deal with when the self-doubt kicks in. Not cheap, but considering it a worthwhile investment in myself...

Not sure I'm quite ready for Toastmasters (the idea of public speaking makes me dash for the toilet), but will bare in mind if CBT improves my confidence....!

[sreed]

Another vote for Toastmasters.

[sadkingbilly]

or Cuervo Gold is an alternative. - works for me.

[dsc]

The main thing about CBT is that it offers tools to get through the issues you have, like specific things you can do if scenario a/b/c etc happens. This means it's not just sitting down once a week to chat and carry on like this forever (which is what a lot of people imagine when they hear "therapy"), there's a limited amount of sessions and it's all focused on how to handle whatever is bothering you.

[northernladuk]

Had a quick chat to my other half about this. She works with education mental health in schools. If she bumps in to children who's daily functions are affected by anxiety, either short term situational or more of a their overall functioning they are put forward for CBT, Cognitive behavioural therapy.

I simple soft skills course like 6 hats, win win outcomes and the like won't work. You need to look at many aspects and change the way you think/act in different situations so bit more grass roots. CBT will help look at yourself, your environment, specific situations that cause the anxiousness and how to counter it in each different situation. It may even require medication but the CBT should help identify if this is needed.

I can ask her for more detail if you wish but she suggested looking at sites like Anxiety.org.uk, wellmindhealth.com, well-mind.co.uk and mind.org.uk
Any of these have a wealth of resources and each could help. Have a look around these sites and others like it and see if something clicks and one site suits you and progress from there.

She see's the impact of anxiety on the kids and regularly has to deal with parents saying it's just the way they are or they seem fine it will go away. It can't be seen so people, even those suffering it, don't do anything about it. Then there is the stigma of having mental health issues and denial. She says push through it. It can be debilitating and drastically change your life so take it by the horns and make it a priority. Don't sit there and say you'll manage it. CBT might appear noddy and waste of time to some but she says do it if you need to. It can (not always though) make a massive impact for a long time going forward.

[TheDude]

A couple of magistrates court appearances boosted my confidence.

[NotAllThere]

I try to treat everyone as my equal until they prove to me otherwise

Nah. I try to treat everyone decently, knowing that they'll never be as good as me.

[ladymuck]

or join the W.I. and bake cakes?.
or the funny handshake club?
or a golf/cricket/tennis club?

I wouldn't want to be part of any club that would have me as a member

[sadkingbilly]

or join the W.I. and bake cakes?.
or the funny handshake club?
or a golf/cricket/tennis club?

[WTFH]

In the past people have recommended Toastmasters.

I found that amateur theatre helps. I don't need to be actually confident, just act as though I am. As far as getting over the fear of looking stupid - I've looked stupid so often that I'm kind of immune to it now. Maybe find a local improv group.

I was going to suggest something similar. Joining a social group - does your local community have anything - music group (e.g. ukulele group), drama, cricket/bowls club?
Join a group where you may know something about it, or you are interested in finding out. The great thing about these is that you will be in with a bunch of people who will have a similar attitude of wanting to learn, and hopefully not too many egos. You might end up with the local police constable, a business owner, and a retired gardener - all different backgrounds, all wanting to learn and enjoy.
In the end, it's about how to interact with different people and how to treat them. I try to treat everyone as my equal until they prove to me otherwise - ignore their title, their status, the list of things that people use to judge each other, and see them as your equal. It's also worth realising that the good parts of a population are those who don't spend their lives obsessing over how to beat/humiliate others, but listening, encouraging and learning.

[NotAllThere]

In the past people have recommended Toastmasters.

I found that amateur theatre helps. I don't need to be actually confident, just act as though I am. As far as getting over the fear of looking stupid - I've looked stupid so often that I'm kind of immune to it now. Maybe find a local improv group.

[cojak]

no.

geez what a bunch of snowflakes.

Even I recognised the joke and I'm known for my lack of humour around here...

[sadkingbilly]

no.

geez what a bunch of snowflakes.

[rocktronAMP]

[QUOTE=sadkingbilly;n4290304]

are you sure you're a contractor?[/QUOTE]

Are you being passive aggressive with such a question?

This is the client that ShadyBA is making a service for. So he/she has to make an impression, interact with their staff and show empathy and interest with the client's direction. Otherwise he/she might bum out as not "integrating" with the team.

I see very little difference between the speaker's club and an agile retrospective on how a sprint / cadence went well.
Very often I find people are far easier dealing with emotions with colleagues in the work place. Becauses your colleagues don't criticise you too much. Alright, they might speak about you behind your bag. "ShadyBA is a complete plonker, because he/she is always running late to meetings, never on time. Grrr", but that is a different problem. Sometimes just being ok whilst at work might be masking problems with relationships at home and the family.

Getting some outside perspective (counseller / mentor) is a decent way to get starting with upskilling "soft" skills.
There may be other variables that only the OP can guess at "undiagnosed" ADHD, Asberger's, latent autism spectral stuff that I am not at all qualified to talk about. Hence find someone / expert / qualified who is.

The OP mentioned a good network of friends so it does not sound like "loner" syndrome to me. I'd be more networking me think. For me, I found going to software development user groups and network over there. Especially if you like JavaScript, DotNet and Java. (Pre Covid) Don't do networking remotely. It's crap. Go to the meet-ups in person and do it F2F. It does sound like the OP is already on the right path though.

[edison]

I think I'm the same as Edison and I've sort of lost shame and giving a tulip what others think as I've got older.
I do realise though that I continue to find ways to push myself out of my comfort zone as I think it's a muscle that needs training.
I'm on a new gig and the firm puts on a speakers club once a fortnight, where you turn up and get tasked with speaking for a few minutes on a random topic. You then get feedback from the group and obviously some praise (it's all very supportive). Anyway, I mentioned to the BA team (approx 20 of us) and the looks and comments I got made me quickly realise I am an extrovert amongst introverts. I assumed more BAs would be up for this sort of thing, I've found it key in a lead role and to bag contracts through ex-colleagues.
I also go along to IIBA meet ups, I often don't tell my colleagues and friends who are members so I'm forced to speak to people rather than just be with my mates.
I would definitely recommend as others have trying some CBT too, I have used it for other things and it can be very effective at changing your mindset.
Well done for acknowledging you have an area to develop, that's the first step. Best of luck with your next steps.

'Extrovert amongst introverts' probably describes a lot of people in IT including myself.

Pubic speaking is a good suggestion. There are various public tech groups that let you practice being a public speaker and getting feedback. I've worked with one called Meet a Mentor for several years and they do this really well.

They also have a service that randomly matches you with other group member to let you introduce yourselves, build your network etc. It's all good practice for making small talk, being more social etc.

But ultimately, you have to address the underlying root cause of any anxiety before you can make the most of opportunities to increase your social interaction skills.