Please put more jokes here

[BrilloPad]

A woman walks up to a handsome man in a nightclub and shouts 'Fat penguin!'
'Pardon?' he says, looking bemused.
'Sorry,' she replies 'I was just trying to think of something that would break the ice'.

Husband to wife: That's the first time in twenty years that you screamed out during our love making. Was it that good?
Wife replies: No, there was a big spider on the ceiling.

First girl: 'You said you didn't fancy that guy in the pub last night, yet you went home and spent the night with him. When did you change your mind?
Second girl: 'When I saw him licking his eyebrows.'

[BrilloPad]

BRITISH HUMOR

The train was quite crowded, so a Redneck U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.

The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?'
The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, 'Ameri! ca! ns are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.'

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.

'Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired.'

She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!'This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honor! this American should be put in his place!'

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window.

[EternalOptimist]

train jokes



A businessman is sitting in a compartment reading the times. Bowler hat, pin stripes.
Opposite is a stunning blonde, doing her nails.
The businessman, folds his paper, leans forward and taps the young lady on the knee. She looks up, startled.
'Excuse me for being so rude'
'Can I smell your fanny?'
'NO, you dirty old bastard'

'It must be your feet then'

[BrilloPad]

train jokes



A businessman is sitting in a compartment reading the times. Bowler hat, pin stripes.
Opposite is a stunning blonde, doing her nails.
The businessman, folds his paper, leans forward and taps the young lady on the knee. She looks up, startled.
'Excuse me for being so rude'
'Can I smell your fanny?'
'NO, you dirty old bastard'

'It must be your feet then'

[Ruprect]

From sikipedia

I got sick and tired of my wife constantly smoking in the house, so when her birthday came around I bought her a solid gold Zippo lighter and secretly filled it to the brim with aircraft fuel.

You should have seen her face light up when she used it for the first time.

[jkoder]

Knock knock

Who's there?

< very long pause.. >

Java!

[BrilloPad]

A young man goes into a baker's and is stunned by the beautiful girl in a very short skirt behind the counter.

The man has a brilliant idea. 'I'd like some raisin bread, please,' he says, realising she'll have to use a stepladder to reach the special loaves on a high shelf.

So the girl climbs up the ladder, giving the man a great view of her lacy thong, then returns to floor level.

Another guy sees what's going on and requests a raisin loaf so he can enjoy the view again.

Pretty soon, each male customer is asking for raisin bread just to see the assistant climb up and down. After a while she gets irritated.

Finally, once again at the top of the ladder, she glares at the men below and notices an elderly chap staring up at her. Thinking she'll save herself another trip, she yells at him: 'Is it raisin for you too?'

'No,' the old man stammers, 'but it's a-quiverin'.'

[lightng]

Knock knock.

Mystic Meg.

Who's there?

[BrilloPad]

A lunatic escaped and got a job in the laundry. He attacked a young girl working there and then ran off. The headline in the local paper that night were, 'Nut screws washer and bolts.'

Husband to wife: I made love to your best friend last night, and she didn't even bat an eyelid.
Wife replies: She probably never had time.

[BrilloPad]

Alcohol does not make you FAT - it makes you LEAN....

Against tables, chairs, floors, walls and ugly people.