Please put more jokes here

[BrilloPad]

Kevin the Chicken

Trevor the farmer was in the fertilised egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets' and eight or ten roosters, to fertilise the pullets’ eggs.

Trevor kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so Trevor could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

The farmer's favourite rooster was Kevin, and a very fine specimen he was too, but on this particular morning Trevor noticed Kevin's bell hadn't rung at all!

Trevor went to investigate.

The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover but to farmer Trevor's amazement, Kevin had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.

He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

Trevor was so proud of Kevin, he entered him into the Brisbane Exhibition and Kevin became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The Result?

The judges not only awarded Kevin the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.

Clearly Kevin was a politician in the making: Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Do you know a Pullitician called Kevin?.............

[Diver]

FOLLOW THESE 14 SIMPLE TESTS BEFORE YOU DECIDE
TO HAVE CHILDREN.

Test 1 - Preparation

Women: To prepare for pregnancy:-


1. Put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag
down the front.
2. Leave it there.
3. After 9 months remove 5% of the beans.

Men: To prepare for children:-

1. Go to a local chemist, tip the contents of your
wallet onto the
counter and tell the pharmacist to help himself
2. Go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary
paid directly to their head office.
3. Go home. Pick up the newspaper and read it for the
last time.

Test 2 - Knowledge

Find a couple who are already parents and berate them
about their methods of discipline, lack of patience,
appallingly low tolerance levels and how they have
allowed their children to run wild. Suggest ways in
which they might improve their child's sleeping
habits, toilet training, table manners and overall
behavior. Enjoy it. It will be the last time in your
life that you will have all the answers.

Test 3 - Nights
To discover how the nights will feel:
1. Walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm
carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 4 - 6kg,
with a radio turned to static (or some other
obnoxious sound) playing loudly.
2. At 10pm, put the bag down, set the alarm for
midnight and go to sleep.
3. Get up at 11pm and walk the bag around the living
room until 1am.
4. Set the alarm for 3am.
5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2am and
make a cup of tea.
6. Go to bed at 2.45am.
7. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off.
8. Sing songs in the dark until 4am.
9. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up when it goes off.
10. Make breakfast.
Keep this up for 5 years. LOOK CHEERFUL.

Test 4 - Dressing Small Children
1. Buy a live octopus and a string bag.
2. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so
that no arms hang out.

Time Allowed: 5 minutes.

Test 5 - Cars

1. Forget the BMW. Buy a practical 5-door wagon.
2. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the
glove compartment.
Leave it there.
3. Get a coin. Insert it into the CD player.
4. Take a box of chocolate biscuits; mash them into
the back seat.
5. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

Test 6 - Going For a Walk

Wait
Go out the front door
Come back in again
Go out
Come back in again
Go out again
Walk down the front path
Walk back up it
Walk down it again
Walk very slowly down the road for five minutes.
Stop, inspect minutely and ask at least 6 questions
about every piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue
and dead insect along the way.
Retrace your steps
Scream that you have had as much as you can stand
until the neighbours come out and stare at you.
Give up and go back into the house.

You are now just about ready to try taking a small
child for a walk.


Test 7

Repeat everything you say at least 5 times.

Test 8 - Grocery Shopping

1. Go to the local supermarket. Take with you the
nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child - a
fully grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have
more than one child, take more than one goat.
2. Buy your weekly groceries without letting the
goat(s) out of your
sight.
3. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys.
Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even
contemplate having
children.

Test 9 - Feeding a 1 year-old

1. Hollow out a melon
2. Make a small hole in the side
3. Suspend the melon from the ceiling and swing it
side to side
4. Now get a bowl of soggy cornflakes and attempt to
spoon them into
the swaying melon while pretending to be an
aeroplane.
5. Continue until half the cornflakes are gone.
6. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot
of it falls on
the floor.

Test 10 - TV

1. Learn the names of every character from the
Wiggles, Barney,
Teletubbies and Disney.
2. Watch nothing else on television for at least 5
years.

Test 11 - Mess

Can you stand the mess children make? To find out:

1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the
curtains
2. Hide a fish behind the stereo and leave it there
all summer.
3. Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds and then rub
them on clean walls. Cover the stains with crayon.
How does
> that look?
4. Empty every drawer/cupboard/storage box in
> your house onto the
floor & leave it there.

Test 12 - Long Trips with Toddlers

1. Make a recording of someone shouting 'Mummy'
repeatedly. Important
Notes: No more than a 4 second delay between each
Mummy. Include occasional crescendo to the level of a
supersonic jet.
2. Play this tape in your car, everywhere you go for
the next 4 years.
You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.


Test 13 - Conversations

1. Start talking to an adult of your choice.
2. Have someone else continually tug on your
shirt hem or shirt sleeve while playing the Mummy
tape listed above.

You are now ready to have a conversation with an
adult while there is
a child in the room.

Test 14 - Getting ready for work
1. Pick a day on which you have an important meeting.
2. Put on your finest work attire.
3. Take a cup of cream and put 1 cup of lemon juice in
it
4. Stir
5. Dump half of it on your nice silk shirt
6. Saturate a towel with the other half of the mixture
7. Attempt to clean your shirt with the same saturated
towel
8. Do not change (you have no time).
9. Go directly to work

You are now ready to have children. ENJOY!!

[BrilloPad]

Three women are talking about their ideal man.

'Mine's 6ft tall with a dragon on his arm,' the first explains.

'Mine's 6ft, with two dragons on his arm, the second adds.

'I don't care how tall mine is,' the third says, 'as long as his drags on the ground.'



A man goes to the police station to report a thief.

'She stole £20 I had inside my pants,' he complains.

'Didn't you put up a struggle?' the policeman asks.

'No,' he replies, 'I didn't know she was after my money.'

[BrilloPad]

An old sailing ship is becalmed at sea with a full complement of sailors. They are stuck there for days and days with nothing to do. One morning the captain decides he is going to lay on some entertainment for the men. He orders a barrel to be placed on the top deck. It has an orifice in the side and he invites each one of the men to "take the pleasures" of the barrel to their heart's content. Soon a full-fledged hedonistic orgy is underway. The men are cheerful once again and morale is boosted. Things reach such a frenzy that even the captain's dog has a go. Once the party is over and the barrel is full of the team's spirit, it is bunged up and thrown overboard. The ship sails away. A few days later the barrel comes ashore on the beach of a deserted island in the middle of nowhere. The only inhabitants of the island are the nuns who have founded their convent there. The nuns find the barrel and open it. They don't recognize the contents and take it to be wax, from which they fashion candles. Of course, nuns being nuns, they use the candles in the way only nuns can. Nine months later an inordinate number of babies appear inexplicably on the island. One of the nuns is very guilty about her sins and approaches the Mother Superior for confession. "Forgive me, Mother. I have had a baby." The Mother Superior says, "That's nothing, my child. I've had puppies."

[BrilloPad]

Two male buddies were walking through the woods when out of no where, a poisonous snake came and bit one of the men right on his penis!

The man collapsed to the ground, whilst his friend whipped out his cell phone and called the doctor. "Help, help" He said "my friend was just bitten on his penis by a snake. The doctor tells him that he can't possibly get to the woods in time to save the friend. He tells the guy if his friend is to live, he's going suck the venom out. The man hangs up and hurries back to his friend.

The poor guy looks up at his friend "Well what did the doctor say?" he asked. "Sorry bro" says the man, "looks like you're going to die."

[BrilloPad]

HOW TO SAVE THE AIRLINES

Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place.

Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers!

What the hell! They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?

The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a "party
atmosphere" going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this
country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.

Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus
saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could
charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the
tips, including lap dances and "special services."

Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women
so hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry
would see record revenues.

This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right and a golden
opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.

Why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?


Sincerely,

Bill Clinton

[BrilloPad]

was having trouble with my computer. So I called Richard, the 11 year old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over.

Richard clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong? He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error?

What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'

Richard grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?'

'No,' I replied. 'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'

So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T

I used to like the little ****.............

[BrilloPad]

A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his Mission in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.

So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, 'This is a tree.'



The chief looks at the tree and grunts, 'Tree.'



The Priest is pleased with the response. They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, 'This is a rock.'



Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, 'Rock.'



The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.



The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, 'Man riding a bike.'

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them.

The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?


The chief replied, 'My bike.'

Enjoy your day and remember to keep off the roads and be darn careful when riding someone else's bicycle.






he Australian Poetry Competition had come down to two finalists:



A university graduate and an old bushie. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was "TIMBUKTU".



First to recite his poem was the university graduate.

He stepped to the microphone and said:



* Slowly across the desert sand,*



* Trekked a lonely caravan.*



* Men on camels, two by two.*



* Destination - Timbuktu.*



The crowd went crazy! No way could the old bushie top that, they thought.

The old bushie calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:



*Me and Tim a huntin' went.*



* Met three whores in a pop-up tent.*



* They were three, and we were two.*



* So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.*





The old bushie won.





A young guy ended up with an older woman at a club last night.

She looked OK for a 61-year-old.

In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and he found himself thinking that she probably had a hot daughter.

They drank a bit, and had a bit of a snuggle, and then she asked if he'd ever had a Sportsman's Double.

'What's that?' he asked

'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.

He said, 'No' - excitedly.

They drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was 'his lucky night'.

They went back to her place.

She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mum, you still awake?'

[BrilloPad]

You've been waiting for them, so without further ado here are the 2008
Darwin Natural Selection awards.


Eighth Place In Detroit , a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in
two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide
sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.

Seventh Place A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker (who 'totally
zoned when he ran') accidentally jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his
daily run.

Sixth Place While at the beach, Daniel Jones (21) dug an 8 foot hole
for protection from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at
the bottom when the sides collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand.
People on the beach used their hands and shovels trying to get him out
but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment
almost an hour to free him. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.

Fifth Place Santiago Alvarado (24) was killed as he fell through the
ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burgling. Death was caused when the
long flashlight he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free,
rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.

Fourth Place Sylvester Briddell Jr. (26) was killed as he won a bet
with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four
bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.

Third Place After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked
at the front door, a man walked into H&J Leather & Firearms intent on
robbing the store. The shop was full of customers and a uniformed
officer was standing at the counter. Upon seeing the officer, the
would-be robber announced a hold-up, and fired a few wild shots from a
target pistol. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, and
several customers also drew their guns and fired. The robber was
pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics. Crime scene investigators
located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent
autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from
7 different weapons. No one else was hurt.

HONOURABLE MENTION Paul Stiller (47) and his wife Bonnie were bored
just driving around at 2 A.M. so they lit a quarter stick of dynamite to
toss out the window to see what would happen. Apparently, they
failed to notice the window was closed.

RUNNER UP Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when
one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local
bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated
and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM.
Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one
had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking,
volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable, lay near by.
They secured one end around Bingham's leg and then tied the other to the
bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore
his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the
icy water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. Bingham's foot was
never located.

AND THE WINNER IS... Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt (Paderborn,
Germany) fed his constipated elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and
more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up
pachyderm finally got relief. Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich
(46) was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when
the relieved beast unloaded. The sheer force of the elephant's
unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground where he
struck his head on a rock as the elephant continued to evacuate 200
pounds of dung on top of him.
It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves..... 'Sh!t
happens'.

THEY WALK AMOUNG US.... IT ALWAYS SEEMS IMPORTANT TO THANK THESE
PEOPLE FOR REMOVING THEMSELVES FROM THE GENE POOL.

[BrilloPad]

An impotent bus driver is prescribed Viagra. Taking his first pill, he and his wife go to bed, where he rises to the occasion three times.

He expects his wife to be delighted, but instead, she seems rather sad.

'Your job is taking over every aspect of your life,' she moans. 'Even sex is like the bus service. Nothing for ages, and then three come along at once.'


Two girls are boasting about their boyfriends.

'My Jack's unbelievable,' one says. 'He walks straight up to me and puts it in.'

'That's nothing,' the second girl scoffs. 'Bob puts it straight in and then walks up to me.'



I went to the doctor's to see what he could give me for wind. He gave me a kite.