Please put more jokes here

[BrilloPad]

Points to Ponder from Comedians . .

Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals
through his wallet.
-Robin Williams

Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only
time of the month that I can be myself.
-Roseanne

Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.
-Billy Crystal

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that
says, "My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!"
-Dave Barry

According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in
front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that
women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.
-Jay Leno

I am not the boss of my house. I don't know how I lost it. I don't know when
I lost it. I don't think I ever had it. But I've seen the boss's job and I
don't want it.
-Bill Cosby

In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the Wonder Bra. Is that
really a problem in this country? Men not paying enough attention to women's
breasts?
-Jay Leno

We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They
don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general
has to do is walk over to the women and say, "You see the enemy over there?
They say you look fat in those uniforms."
-Elayne Boosler

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose
your rest home.
-Phyllis Diller

There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having
allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So
what's the problem?
-Jay Leno

When the sun comes up, I have morals again.
-Elayne Boosler

There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think
there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I
know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked."
-Jerry Seinfield

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
-George Carlin

Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and
give her a house.
-Lewis Grizzard

The problem with the designated driver program is, it's not a desirable job.
But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the
night, drop them off at the wrong house.
-Jeff Foxworthy

See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough
blood to run one at a time.
-Robin Williams

[BrilloPad]

A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across
the street from each other. Since their schedules intertwined,
they decided to go in together to buy a car.

After the purchase, they drove it home and parked it on the
street between them.

A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest
sprinkling water on their new car. It didn't need a wash, so
he hurried out and asked the priest what he was doing. "I'm
blessing it," the priest replied.

The rabbi considered this a moment, then went back inside the
synagogue. He reappeared a moment later with a hacksaw, walked
over to the back of the car and cut off two inches of the
tailpipe.

[BrilloPad]

Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have
to hear about all the men she could have married, and
she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked.
____________________________________________

An elderly woman died last month. Having never married,
she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten
instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, "They
wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them
to take me out when I'm dead."
____________________________________________

A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would
you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" He said,
"Call for backup."
____________________________________________

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created
everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed
especially intent when they told him how Eve was created
out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother
noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said,
Johnny what is the matter? Little Johnny responded, "I have
a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."
_____________________________________________

A very dirty little fellow came in from playing in the yard and
asked his mother, "Who am I?" Ready to play the game
she said, "I don't know! Who are you?" "WOW!" cried the
child. "Mrs. Johnson was right! She said I was so dirty, my
own mother wouldn't recognize me!"
_____________________________________________

A wise schoolteacher sends this note to all parents on the
first day of school: "If you promise not to believe everything
your child says happens at school, I'll promise not to believe
everything he says happens at home

[BrilloPad]

NOTES FROM AN INEXPERIENCED CHILLI TASTER NAMED FRANK, WHO WAS VISITING TEXAS

"Recently I was honoured to be selected as an outstanding famous celebrity
in Texas, to be a judge at a chilli cook-off, because no one else wanted to
do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the
beer wagon when the call came. I
was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chilli wouldn't
be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the
tasting, so I accepted."

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chilli # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chilli

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.

FRANK: Holy smokes, what is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from
your driveway with it. Took two beers to put the flames out. Hope
that's the worst one. These hicks are crazy.

Chilli # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chilli

JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

FRANK: tulip! Keep this away from the children! I'm not sure what I'm
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to
give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. Shoved my way to the front of the beer
line.


Chilli # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chilli

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chilli! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless chilli, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.

FRANK: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've located a uranium
spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Draino. Everyone knows
the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer
wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front
part of my chest.

Chilli # 4: Bubba's Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chilli with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chilli.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste
it. Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills to save
me the run.

Chilli # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chilli. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chilli using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit
the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can't focus my eyes. I farted and four
people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed hurt when I
told her that her chilli had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue
by pouring beer directly on it. Sort of irritates me that one of the
other judges asked me to stop screaming.

Chilli # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chilli. Good balance of spice
and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
Superb.

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous flames.
No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally.

Chilli # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chilli

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chilli with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Very Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chilli
peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge
Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress.

FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth and pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chilli,
which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Thank God! At autopsy
they'll know what killed me. Have decided to stop breathing, too
painful, not getting any oxygen anyway.

Chilli # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chilli

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chilli, safe for all,
not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chilli, neither mild nor
hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 fell and
pulled the chilli pot on top of himself.

FRANK: ------- (editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)

[BrilloPad]

The following q&a were collated from last year's British GCSE's. (16 year
old's)!

Geography
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large
pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: What is a planet?

A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans? A: The tides are a fight between
the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because
there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget
where the sun joins in this fight.

Sociology
Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.

Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Biology
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q; Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorised? (e.g. abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and
the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains
the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A,
E, I, O and U.

Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section."
A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.

Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport

Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like
umbrellas.

English
Q: Use the word "judicious" in a sentence to show you understand its
meaning.
A: Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
A : Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Technology
Q : What is a turbine?
A : Something an Arab wears on his head.

Religious Education
Q: What is a Hindu?
A : It lays eggs.

[BrilloPad]

> A successful City trader parked his brand-new Porsche in front of
> the office ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a
> lorry came along too close to the kerb and completely tore off the
> driver's door.
>
> The trader immediately grabbed his mobile and called the police. It
> wasn't 5 minutes more before a policeman pulled up. Before the
> policeman had a chance to ask any questions, the trader started
> screaming hysterically.
>
> His car, which he had just picked up that day, was now completely
> ruined and would never be the same no matter how hard the body
> shop tried to make it new again.
>
> After the trader finally wound down from his rant, the policeman
> shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how
> materialistic you traders are," he said. "You are so focused on your
> possessions that you don't notice anything else."
>
> "How can you say such a thing?" asked the trader arrogantly. The
> policeman replied, "Didn't you realise that your left arm is missing
> from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit
> you."
>
> The trader looked down in absolute horror, "******* Hell!" he
> screamed "Where's my Rolex?"

[BrilloPad]

The devil visited a young lawyer's office and made him an offer. "I
can arrange some things for you," the devil said. "I'll increase your
income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will
respect you; you'll have four months of vacation each year and live
to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife's soul,
your children's souls and their children's souls must rot in hell for
eternity."

The lawyer thought for a moment and said, "What's the catch?"

[BrilloPad]

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably
never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men? It's one of those
"evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me."

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the
front door, whom do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once
you let him in.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman that won't do what she's told.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was
Always.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don't like to
Interrupt her.

What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence? Divorced.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by
90%. It is called Wedding Cake.

Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring,
Suffering.

Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the
TV?"
I said, "Dust!"

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God
created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor
Man has rested.

Why do men die before their wives? They want to.

A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo
Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything in four days."
She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."

Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of
Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad: "That happens in every country, son."

A man inserted an advertisement in the classified: "Wife
Wanted.."
The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same
thing: "You can have mine."

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to
forget it once.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the
street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.

Why do married men gain weight while bachelors don't? Bachelors go to the
refrigerator, see nothing they want, then go to bed. Married guys go to the bed,

see nothing they want, then go to the refrigerator.

[BrilloPad]

A fellow who's just reached his 150th birthday was giving a press
conference to the assembled media. "Excuse me, sir," one of the reporters
said, "but how did you come to live to 150?"

"It's actually quite simple," the old feller replied. "I just never
argue."

"That's impossible," the reporter responded. "There must be something
else, like diet, or meditation, or something. Just not arguing won't keep
you alive for 150 years!"

The old fellow stared hard at the reporter for several seconds. "Hmmm," he
finally shrugged, "maybe you're right."

[BrilloPad]

A man is driving happily along in his car when he's pulled over by the police.
The policeman approaches him and asks, "Have you been drinking, Sir?"
"Why?" asks the man, "Was I all over the road?"
"No" replies the policeman, "You were driving splendidly. The fat, ugly chick
in the passenger seat gave it away."