What do you call a monkey in a minefield ?
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One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and
during her questions about his life she asked him how he managed for sex.
"What's that," he asked.
She explained to him what sex was to which he responded, "Oh, I use a hole
in the trunk of a tree."
"Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you
how to do it properly."
She took off her clothes, laid down on the ground and presented herself.
"Here," she said, "You must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then unleashed a merciless
kick to Jane's crotch. After rolling around for some time in agony,
eventually Jane managed to gasp, "What the hell did you do that for?"
"Just checking for bees," said Tarzan.Comment
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The Good, The bad & The Ugly
1
Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: It's triplets
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.
2
Good: Your wife's not talking to you
Bad: She wants a divorce
Ugly: She's a lawyer
3
Good: Your son is finally maturing
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door
Ugly: So are you
4
Good: Your son studies a lot in his room
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there
Ugly: You're in them
5
Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills
Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them
6
Good: Your husband understands fashion
Bad: He's a cross-dresser
Ugly: He looks better than you
7
Good: You give the "birds and bees:" talk to your daughter
Bad: She keeps interrupting
Ugly: With corrections
8
Good: The postman's early
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying a shotgun
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas
9
Good: You son is dating someone new
Bad: It's another man
Ugly: He's your best friend
10
Good: Your daughter got a new job
Bad: As a hooker
Ugly: She makes more money than you do
Way ugly: Your co-workers are her best clientsComment
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The only reason some people get lost in thought is because
it's unfamiliar territory.Comment
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A man is feeling very ill, goes to see his doctor,
and is immediately rushed to hospital to undergo
tests. The man wakes up after the tests in a
private room at the hospital, and the phone by
his bed rings.
"This is your doctor. We've had the results back
from your tests and we've found you have an
extremely nasty STD called S.H.A.G. It's a
combination of Syphilis, Herpes, AIDS, &
Gonorrhoea !"
"My gosh, doctor! What are you going to do?"
"Well we're going to put you on a diet of pizzas,
pancakes, and pitta bread."
"Will that cure me?"
"Well no, but it's the only food we can get under
the door."Comment
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Versions of the Gloria Gaynor's famous song...."I Will Survive"
blokes version.........
At first I was afraid I was petrified
By the ugly slapper that was lying by my side I would've drunk a little less,
I would've tried to keep my head.
If I'd known for just one second you'd Assault me in your bed.
I tried to go, walk out the door
But you've been sitting on my legs and I Can't feel them anymore
And now you're sitting on my face, my nose Has vanished - not a trace,
I only hope that your big knickers are not Made of liquorice lace
I want to go, I've got to leave
Before your fat and naked body makes me want to heave
I Only hope that no one saw me walking home With such a slut.
Oh God the things that you can get up to when you're Half cut.
I can't believe, I'm lying here.
It's all 'cos of that f**king evil drink that We call beer
You can all sod your beer goggles, tulip I must Have been blind
To mistake that Hoover dam for a sexy young behind.
Please let me go, I'm getting scared
There's nothing I can do to stop those ugly Breasts from being bared.
I think that I must have been mad, God what Made me want to court her?
With tits that look like Tesco bags I've just Filled up with water
It's time to go, run out the door
She's started hinting that she wants sex on her Dirty lino floor
I don't think there's anything worse Than the al-co-hol-ics curse.
I WILL SURVIVE !
To which the girls reply.........
Female Version...........
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
By the ugly w*nker that was lying by my side. I would've drunk a little less, I
would've
Tried to keep my head,
If I'd know for just one second I'd be in Your crusty bed...
I tried to go, walk out the door.
But I laughed so hard at your small knob that I fell on the floor.
Your butts a pimply mess, it's just a broken-out disgrace,
But I'd rather look at that, than at your F***ing ugly face...!
I want to go, I've got to leave.
Your talk of chicks and football really makes Me want to heave.
I only know I've got to stop my drinking Spirts and the beer
Coz when I looked at you last night, hell, you Looked just like Richard Gere !
I can't believe, that we both shagged.
You should be wearing concrete shoes or should be Simply bound and gagged.
I'm ******* off right now, I'm jumping on the Flippin' train
And I'm not stopping till I'm home and washed Your greebies down the drain.
Please let me go, I feel quite sick,
We had the worst sex in the world and you're A bloody ugly *****
I should have shagged your gorgeous mate, at least he's got a lovely flat
But no I go and trust the booze and now I'm Stuck with you, you twat.
It's time to go, run out the door.
You look so ugly it should really be against the law. I'm going to give up all
the booze, I'm gonna
Have no stupid fun
Coz waking up beside you makes me
Want to be a nun !
I WILL SURVIVE !Comment
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The Bacon Tree
There are two guys who have been lost in the desert for weeks, and
they're at death's door. As they stumble on, hoping for
salvation in the form of an oasis or something similar, they
suddenly spy, through the heat haze, atree off in the distance.
As they get closer, they can see that the tree is draped with rasher
upon rasher of bacon.
There's smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life-giving juicy nearly-raw
bacon, all sorts.
"My God, Pepe" says the first bloke. "It's a bacon tree !!!
We're saved!!!"
"You're right" says Pepe, "Praise the Lord !"
So Pepe goes on ahead and runs up to the tree salivating at the
prospect of food. But as he gets to within five feet of the
tree, there's the sound of machine gun fire, and he is shot down
in a hail of bullets.The first bloke quickly drops down
on the sand, and calls across to the dying Pepe.
"Pepe, Pepe - what the hell happened?"....
"Ugh... it wasn't a Bacon Tree ....................... It was a
Ham Bush!"Comment
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1. If you and I were squirrels, could I bust a nut in your hole?
2. I'd like to wrap your legs around my head and wear you like a
feedbag.
3. If it's true that we are what we eat, I could be you by
morning!
4. How do you like your eggs: poached, scrambled, or fertilized?
5. I was about to go masturbate and I needed a name to go with
your face.
6. My love for you is like diarrhea--I just can't hold it in.
7. Roses are red. Violets are blue. I like spaghetti. Let's go
****.
8. Is that a keg in your pants? 'Cause I would love to tap that
ass!
9. If your right leg was Thanksgiving, and your left leg was
Christmas, could I meet you between the holidays?
10. You remind me of a championship bass--I don't know whether to
mount you or eat you!
11. Your parents must be retarded because you are special.
12. Could I touch your belly button . . . from the inside?
13. I'm not too good at algebra, but doesn't U+I = 69?
14. How about we play lion and lion tamer? You hold your mouth
open and I'll put my head in.Comment
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THE CONSULTANT
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A shepherd was herding his flocks in a remote pasture when
suddenly a brand new Jeep Cherokee advanced out of a dust
cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni
suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and a YSL tie leaned
out of the window and asked our shepherd: "If I can tell
you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you
give me one?"
The shepherd looks at the yuppie, then at his peacefully
grazing flock and calmly answers "sure!" The yuppie parks
the car, whips out his notebook, connects it to a cell-phone,
surfs to a NASA page on the Internet where he calls up a GPS
satellite navigation system, scans the area, opens up a
database and some 60 Excel spreadsheets with complex formulas.
Finally he prints out a 150 page report on his hi-tech
miniaturized printer, turns round to our shepherd and
says: "you have here exactly 1586 sheep!"
"This is correct. As agreed, you can take one of the sheep"
says the shepherd. He watches the young man make a selection
and bundle it in his Cherokee.
Then the shepherd asks: "If I can tell you exactly what your
business is, will you give me my sheep back?"
"Okay, why not" answers the young man. "You are a consultant" says
the shepherd.
"This is correct" says the yuppie, "How did you guess that?"
"Easy" answers the shepherd. "You turn up here although nobody
called you. You want to be paid for the answer to a question I
already knew the solution to. And you don't know @$#% about my
business because you just took my dog!!"Comment
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