Please put more jokes here

[Swiss Tony]

Your Mum's so fat, when she fell down the stairs I thought EastEnders was ending.

[Swiss Tony]

Headline taken from the Peterborough Evening Telegraph:

"MPs call for jobs blow to be reversed"

[Swiss Tony]

When I was little, we used to play a game called "knock and run" where you knock on someones door and run away before they answered.

Nowadays, its known as "Parcelforce"

[Swiss Tony]

Cash4Gold just sent me £350 for a lump of iron pyrite.

Fools.

[EternalOptimist]

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

'I don't want to know,' the child said, bursting into tears. 'Promise me you won't tell me.'

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed, 'When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech.
At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech.
When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.
If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really sh@g, I'll have nothing left to live for.'

[SCW3142]

Three lawyers and three engineers are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three lawyers each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks a lawyer. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.

They all board the train. The lawyers take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a toilet and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The lawyers see this and agree that it is quite a clever idea so, after the conference, they decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (recognizing the engineers' superior intellect). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed lawyer. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. When they board the train the three lawyers cram into a toilet and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs.

Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his toilet and walks over to the toilet where the lawyers are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."

[Uncle Max]

Just driving my new Toyota Prius. Chat later, can't stop.

[Swiss Tony]

Sometimes it seems I spend half my life just breathing in.

[Swiss Tony]

I saw a guy stacking shelves at Tescos complaining because the top shelf was broken, and he couldn't keep it up.

I think he had A wrecked aisle dysfunction

boom boom

[YASUKA]

I've just been banned from a muslim clothes shop. Dunno what the fcukers problems was, I only asked if they did bomber jackets!!