Please put more jokes here

[Swiss Tony]

Christianity: One woman's lie about having an affair that got seriously out of hand.

[Swiss Tony]

I'm going to go rob a bank tomorrow.

I plan on dressing up in a clown wig and make up and only wearing a thong and nipple tassels. I'll carry a goat and a can of fluorescent paint in one arm and, while in the bank, I'm going to shag the goat and throw the paint over the walls, all the time ripping up pages of a phonebook and swearing my head off. After getting the money, I'll take a dump on the floor and piss everywhere. I then will escape in a van shaped like a giant pink cock.

Let's see Crimewatch stage a reconstruction of that.

[Swiss Tony]

I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone.

I said, "Morning."

He replied, "No, just having a tulipe."

[Swiss Tony]

I was checking into a hotel the other week. At the counter, a guy in front of me said curtly to the receptionist, "I hope the porn channel is disabled."

Unbelievable what some people are into.

[Swiss Tony]

My girl friend came home from work crying yesterday and asked me to console her.

So I hit her over the head with my Xbox.

[tino]

I was checking into a hotel the other week. At the counter, a guy in front of me said curtly to the receptionist, "I hope the porn channel is disabled."

Unbelievable what some people are into.

[EternalOptimist]

A couple are at home in Liverpool. The husband is watching 'Advanced Calculus and Fermets theorem' on open university and the wife is sitting at the table writing a letter.

'How do you spell Daryl?' asks the wife

'Whe the heck is Daryl?' asks the husband getting a bit jealous

'No, no, it's not a bloke. I am writing to the council to complain about the mobile phone mast Daryl be built in our road' - says the wife.

'It's not Daryl yer daft bint. It's Worral'

[BrilloPad]

Q. How did Cinderella get pregnant?
A. She a Aladdin.


Q. Why are men like blenders?
A. You need one but you’re not sure why


Q. Why are jelly babies better than men?
A. They come in five different colours.



A man walked into a pub with a steering wheel placed between his legs. Astounded the landlord asked, ‘Why have you got that steering wheel between your legs?’
‘I don’t really know,’ said the man. ‘But it’s driving me nuts!’

[BrilloPad]

Two men aged 80 and 90 are sitting on their favourite park bench.

The 90-year-old has just finished his morning jog and isn't even short of breath. The 80-year-old is impressed and asks what gives him so much stamina.

"Well, I eat rye bread every day,' the 90-year-old replies. 'It keeps your energy levels high and gives you great staying power with the ladies.'

So on his way back home, the 80-year-old stops at the bakery.

'Have you any rye bread?' he asks.

'Yes,' the assistant replies. 'We have a whole shelf of it.'

'I'll have five loaves,' he says.

'Five!' she gasps. 'By the time you get to the fifth, it'll be hard.'

'I can't believe it!' he splutters. 'Does everybody in the world know about this stuff but me?'

[BrilloPad]

A lion, a bear, and a pig are sitting round, talking..
The lion says: "When I roar the whole jungle shakes."
The bear says: "When I roar, the whole forest shakes."
The pig says: "SO WHAT! when I sneeze, the whole world tulips itself!"

---------------------

Mad Cow Disease: Named for my wife
Swine Flu: Named for her mother.