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    I've been doing some research into my family tree, and it turns out my Great Grandfather was a terrible dictator.

    Apparently none of his secretaries understood a word he said
    "Wait, I still function!"


      A middle aged couple, married to each other's partner, had the hots for each other and had finally managed a weekend together in a country hotel. As soon as they got into their room, they tore off their clothes and ran at each other. The guy wasn't wearing his specs and sailed straight out of the window. Fortunately, they were on the first floor and he landed in a big clump of landscaped bushes. He lay there, semi conscious for a while, but was well concealed. When he finally came round and found that, luckily,he'd only suffered a few scratches, he realised that, apart from his socks, he was stark bollock naked. He tried quietly calling up to his bedroom window, but got no response. By now it was getting quite dark, but just then, a porter appeared at the side door for a smoke.

      The guy goes. "Pssst..Pssst." The porter peers over in the gloom and spots a white arm waving at him from out of a bush. He cautiously approaches and the guy's head pops up and says. "I've fallen out of my bedroom window, I'm ok, but I need some clothes."
      The porter says. "Just go back in through the main lobby and up to your room." The guy says. "I can't do that, for ****s sake I'm stark naked. The porter says.
      "Don't worry, nobody will see you. They're all watching the fire brigade trying to prise a naked woman off the bed post."


        An elephant gets a thorn stuck in her foot. Suddenly a little mouse scurries up and offers to remove it.
        ‘There’s only one condition to helping,’ the mouse says. ‘I get to have intercourse with you.’
        The elephant agrees, so the mouse pulls and tugs and extracts the thorn.
        The mouse then gets on with having sex as promised by the elephant. While at it, a coconut falls on the elephant’s head, and she yells out: ‘Ouch, ouch!’
        The mouse stops. ‘Sorry,’ he says. ‘Am I hurting you?’

        A man wakes up in a hospital bed after a terrible accident and cries, `Doctor! Doctor! I can’t feel my legs.’ The doctor comes over to the poor chap’s best side and says `Of course you can’t. I’ve amputated both your arms.’

        Q. What’s worse than a bull in a china shop?
        A. A hedgehog in a condom factory

        A man says to a woman:
        `What’s the difference between a chicken leg and a penis?’
        `I don’t know.’ She replies.
        `Oh good,’ he says `do you fancy a picnic?’

        Q. What has balls and gets you excited twice a week?
        A. The National Lottery.


          Student 1: I used to think correlation implied causation, then I took a statistics class, now I don't.
          Student 2: Sounds like the class helped then?
          Student 1: Well, maybe.

          ‎"See, you think I give a tulip. Wrong. In fact, while you talk, I'm thinking; How can I give less of a tulip? That's why I look interested."


            Originally posted by Moscow Mule View Post
            Student 1: I used to think correlation implied causation, then I took a statistics class, now I don't.
            Student 2: Sounds like the class helped then?
            Student 1: Well, maybe.


            reminded me of http://xkcd.com/327/


              This just made me chuckle



                The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8 year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a lollypop and tell him to report on all the neighbourhood activities.

                He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation: 'There's a car being towed from the parking lot', he shouted. An ambulance just drove by.' 'Looks like the Anderson 's have company', he called out.

                Matt's riding a new bike....' 'Looks like the Sanders are moving'
                'Jason is on his skate board....' After a few moments he announced, 'The Coopers are having sex!!'

                Startled, his Mother and Dad shot up in bed. Dad cautiously called out,
                'How do you know they are having sex?' 'Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a lollipop


                  Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'

                  Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

                  Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'

                  Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

                  The man said, 'I do, Father.'

                  The priest said, 'Then stand over there against the wall.'

                  Then the priest asked the second man, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

                  'Certainly, Father,' the man replied.

                  'Then stand over there against the wall,' said the priest.

                  Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and asked, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

                  O'Toole said, 'No, I don't Father.'

                  The priest said, 'I don't believe this.. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?'

                  O'Toole said, 'Oh, when I die , yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.'

                  Paddy was in New York .

                  He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.' Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.

                  He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

                  After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?'

                  Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.

                  'Did you see the paper?' asked Gallagher. 'They say I died!!'

                  'Yes, I saw it!' replied Finney. 'Where are ye callin' from?'

                  An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut . The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

                  He says, 'Sir, have you been drinking?'

                  'Just water,' says the priest.

                  The trooper says, 'Then why do I smell wine?'

                  The priest looks at the bottle and says, 'Good Lord! He's done it again!'

                  Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.'

                  'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?'

                  'When it was over,' Mike replied, 'She came to me on her hands and knees.'

                  'Really,' said Charles, 'Now that's a switch! What did she say?'

                  She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.'

                  Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.

                  He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

                  Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

                  He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

                  In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.

                  She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'

                  Patton said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'

                  'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ....... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror


                    Q. What’s more holey than righteous?
                    A. A naughty nun’s fishnet tights.

                    A recent survey of male students preferences towards women’s figures revealed that 12 % of male students preferred thin legs, and that 14% preferred fat legs. Whilst the remainder preferred something in between.

                    Nancy: ‘Now that we are engaged, I hope you will give me a ring.’
                    Sam: ‘Of course, what’s your phone number again?’

                    A simple man was sitting at the bar, chuckling into his pint of beer. Eventually the barman was so curious he came over to ask what was so funny.
                    ‘It’s my wife,’ laughed the man. ‘She’s gone to Spain for a holiday, but she really is so thick! I watched her pack her suitcase and she put in five packets of condoms and she doesn’t even have a penis!’


                      'My hands are freezing,' a girl tells her best friend.

                      'Put them between your legs to warm them up,' her friend advises.

                      So she does just that.

                      The next day she's out with her boyfriend who moans: 'My hands are freezing.'

                      'Put them between your legs to warm them up,' the girl says naively. So he does.

                      Then he says 'My penis is frozen solid ...'

                      Later the girl asks her friend: 'Have you heard of a penis?'

                      'Yes, why?' her pal says.

                      The girl replies: 'Don't they make a terrible mess when they defrost?'