Please put more jokes here

[Swiss Tony]

What do u call a bra stretched across a road??

A Boobie trap

[BrilloPad]

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table.



Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.

Michael O'Connor looks around and asks, "Someone’s got to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?"

They draw straws.



Paul Gallagher picks the short one.



They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

"Discreet? I'm the most discreet Irishman you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me."

Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door.

Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants.



Gallagher declares, "Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home."

"Tell him to drop dead!" says Murphy's wife.

"I'll go tell him." says Gallagher.

[EternalOptimist]

A woman is in bed getting banged hard by her boyfriend when she hears the front door open.
Sheeet! she jumps up , pushes him into the bathroom, squirts baby oil on him then covers him in talc.
'Stand perfectly still, you are a statue'

Hubbie eventually comes upstairs to find his wife doing her toenails on the side of the bed. He sees the boyfriend and says 'whats this?'

'Oh its a new statue, Mr Smith down the road was telling me they had one, and I refuse to be outdone by THEM'

Two oclock in the morning, the hubby sneaks out of bed, sneaks downstairs, makes a ham butty and pours a glass of orange. Sneaks back upstairs quietly, sneaks into the bathroom and hands the sandwich and the oj to the statue.
'Here you go mate, I had to hang around in the Smiths shed for three fking days and the bitch didnt bring me anything'

[BrilloPad]

Q What did the egg say to the boiling water?
A It’s going to take a while to get me hard. I only just got laid by some chick.

A man is in a hotel lobby and wants to make a complaint to the clerk at reception. As he turns, he accidentally elbows a young woman beside him in the breast. They were both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says, ‘Sorry, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you will forgive me.’
She replies, ‘If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I’m in room 436.’

Two men broke into a chemist and stole 10,000 viagra tablets. The police are now looking for two hardened criminals who will receive a stiff sentence.

What did the mayonnaise say to the fridge?
Close the door, I’m dressing.

A university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing these four elements; religion, royalty, sex and mystery.
The prize-winning essay read:
‘My God,’ said the Queen. ‘I’m pregnant. I wonder who did it?’

[BrilloPad]

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left a
note for her milkman
to leave 25 gallons of milk.
When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He
thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons.
So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, 'I found your note
asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk.
Did you mean 2.5 gallons?'
The blonde said, 'Yes, I definately want 25 gallons.
I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can
look young and beautiful again..'
The milkman asked, 'Do you want it pasteurized?'
The blonde said, 'No, just up to my tits. I can splash it on my face'.

[EternalOptimist]

A middle aged English couple are on holiday in Spain.
As they wander the streets of a small rural village, the guys eyes nearly pop out when he sees a young senorita, sitting at the roadside, eating a slice of melon, knees up and clearly wearing no knickers.
As they walk past he has a good old ogle, and the missus starts to get extremely peed off. At the end of the street she finally snaps and clocks her hubby on the ear calling him a dirty old perv, then she storms back to remonstrate with the seorita, who is blithely sitting there munching away.
'Do you realise the entire world can see right up your unmentionables'
'Ah si, but you must understand, eet keeps the flies off my melon'

[BrilloPad]

Two men aged 80 and 90 are sitting on their favourite park bench.
The 90-year-old has just finished his morning jog and isn’t even short of breath.
The 80-year-old is impressed and asks what gives him so much stamina.
‘Well, I eat rye bread every day,’ the 90-year-old replies. ‘It keeps your energy level high and gives you great staying power with the ladies.’
So on his way back home, the 80-year-old stops at the bakery.
‘Have you any rye bread?’ he asks.
‘Yes,’ the assistant replies. ‘We have a whole shelf of it.’
‘I’ll have five loaves,’ he says.
‘Five!’ she gasps. ‘By the time you get to the fifth, it’ll be hard.’
‘I can’t believe it!’ he splutters. ‘Does everybody in the world know about this stuff but me?’



Q Why can’t men get mad cow disease?
A Because they’re all pigs!

Q What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
A We better get some support soon, otherwise people will start thinking we’re nuts!

Q What do games consoles and breasts have in common?
A They’re intended for children, but it’s the men who usually end up playing with them!

[BrilloPad]

Mr Tickle wants to marry the girl of his dreams. Sadly, Tess is reluctant to take on his surname.


A guy is in a bar, staring at a girl wearing the tightest jeans he's ever seen.

His curiosity finally gets the better of him, so he plucks up the courage to walk over and ask: 'How do you get into those jeans?'

'Well,' the young woman winks, looking him up and down, 'you could start by buying me a drink'.

[BrilloPad]

A Somalian arrives in London as a new immigrant to the UK ..
He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says........
'Thank you Mr. British for letting me in this country, giving me housing, money for food, free medical care, free education and no taxes!'
The passerby says, 'You are mistaken, I am Moroccan!'
The man goes on and encounters another passerby... 'Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in the UK !'
The person says, 'I not British, I am Polish!'
The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, 'Thank you for the wonderful Britain!'
That person puts up his hand and says, 'I am from India , I am not from Britain !'
He finally sees a nice l ady and asks, 'Are you a British?'
She says, 'No, I am from Africa !'
Puzzled, he asks her, 'Where are all the British?'
The African l ady checks her watch and says ....’probably at work’

[Swiss Tony]

A young man was strolling down a street in south London. As he passed a large building with a fence around it, he heard a group of people chanting "Thirteen, thirteen, thirteen" over and over again.

Curious, he tried to see over the fence, but couldn't. Then he spotted a knot in the wood, and put his eye to the hole. He just managed to spy some old people sitting in deckchairs chanting, before a finger came out of nowhere and poked him in the eye. As he staggered back, the old people started chanting, "Fourteen, fourteen, fourteen ..."