Please put more jokes here

[BrilloPad]

When three women walk into a pet shop, a caged parrot squawks: 'Yellow! Pink! Blue!'

'That's funny,' the first lady says. 'I'm wearing yellow knickers.'

'No way!' the second gasps. 'I'm wearing pink.'

'And I'm wearing blue pants,' the third marvels.

To test the parrot, all three women return the next day wearing white knickers. This time, the parrot shrieks: 'White! White! White!'

The ladies are amazed and decide to try a third test the following day. As they walk into the shop, the parrot takes one look and says:

'Curly! Straight! Bald!'

[BrilloPad]

The Silent Treatment..



A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each
other the silent treatment.


Suddenly, the man realized that the next day,
He would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
'Please wake me at 5:00 AM '

He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM
and he had missed his flight.

Furious, he was about to go and
see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by
the bed.

The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.



WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'

'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws''


WOMEN'S REVENGE..
'Cash, cheque or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.

As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

'So, do you always carry your TV remote?'
I asked.

'No,' she replied, ' but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.'









UNDERSTANDING WOMEN..
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider..


W O R D S..

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...
30,000 to a man's 15,000.

The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'


CREATION..

A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.

' The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain.

God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me.

God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you !!!


WHO DOES WHAT..

A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, 'You should do it, because you get up first,
and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.'

The husband said, ' You are in charge of cooking around here and
you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.'

Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible
that the man should do the coffee.'

Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.'

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament
and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says..........'HEBREWS'


God may have created man before woman,
but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece..

[BrilloPad]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife.

Dear Wife,
You must realize that you are 54 years old, and I have certain needs that you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife and sincerely hope that you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight.
Your Husband


When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:

Dear Husband,
You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Since you are the mathematician, you will appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, don't wait up.

[EternalOptimist]

A police officer pulls a bloke over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended for speeding.

Officer: May I see the registration for this vehicle?

Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the registration in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

Driver: Yes mate. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the boot.

Officer: There's a BODY in the BOOT?!?!?

Driver: Yes, mate.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his back up. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the inspector approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Inspector: Sir, can I see your license?

Driver: Sure. Here it is.

It was valid.

Captain: Who's car is this?

Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration papers.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?

Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your boot? I was told you said there's a body in it.

Driver: No problem.

Boot is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the boot.

Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying bastard told you I was speeding, as well.

[EternalOptimist]

A nun , a pregnant woman and two schoolboys are sitting in a railway carriage.
The nun looks longingly at the bump, knowing she can never have a baby.

the boys are whispering, laughing. Then one says

'No, its W-O-O-M'
'No it isn't , it's W-O-O-M-B'
'Or maybe W-H-O-O-M-B'

The nun leans over

'actually boys, it's W-O-M-B'

the boys look at each other, then at the nun

'Sister, have ever gone swimming in the Nile ?'
'Er..no'
'Ever swam with a hippopotamus?'
'No'
'Then how fck do you know what it sounds like when one farts under water?'

[kemical]

Paddy

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night
Celebrating St Patrick's Day.

Mick, the bartender says, " You'll not be drinking anymore tonight Paddy.

Paddy replies, "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then."

Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face.

"Shoite" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself
Off.

He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, "Shoite,
Shoite!"

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the
Door and some fresh air he'll be fine.

He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame.

He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much
Better and takes a step out onto the pavement and falls flat on his face.

"Bi, Jaysus... I'm fockin' focked," he says.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls
Himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.

He takes a look up the stairs and says "No fockin' way". He
Crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says "I can make it
To the bed."

He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face.He says "Fock
It" and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Mary, comes into the room carrying a cup of tea and
Says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?".

Paddy says, "I did Mary. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd you know?"

"Mick phoned... You left your wheelchair at the pub!"

[Swiss Tony]

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.

[Swiss Tony]

A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen.

Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect."

To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that."

[Swiss Tony]

First thing this morning, there was a tap on my door.

Funny sense of humour my plumber has.

[Swiss Tony]

Police have finally admitted they got it wrong in the shooting of Jean Charles de Menez.

It was his naughty brother Dennis they were after.