Please put more jokes here

[EternalOptimist]

Two psycholgists pass each other in the hostpital. One says 'Good Morning' , the second thinks 'mmm, I wonder what he meant by that'

[EternalOptimist]

Two gay-boy bendy fags are dressed up in wild S&M gear

The masochist begs 'Please beat me, hit me hard, whip me, hurt me.'
The sadist sneers with a viscious look on his face and says 'No.'

[voodooflux]

A woman wants surgery to make her breasts bigger. Her husband suggests she rub toilet paper between then instead. "How would that make my breasts bigger?" she asks. "I don't know", he replies "But it certainly seems to have worked on your bum".

[Uncle Max]

1. My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She
asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...

******************************************

2. My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were
in bed. I turned to her and said,

"Do you want to have sex?"

"No" she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?".

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes".

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend".

And then the fight started....

******************************************

3. Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed
the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the
truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was
blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and
discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I
cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and
whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 10 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is
out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

******************************************

4. I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and
slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just
get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't
believe it.... He was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"

So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"

And then the fight started.....

*****************************************

5. My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3
seconds.'

I bought her some scales.

And then the fight started...

******************************************

6. When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace
expensive...

So, I took her to a gas station.

And then the fight started...

******************************************

7. After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to
verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at
home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home
and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my
curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough
for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social
Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
disability, too.'

And then the fight started...

******************************************

8. My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I
kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a
nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been
sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating
that long?'

And then the fight started...

******************************************

9. I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my
order first.

"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...

******************************************

10. A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel
horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a
compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....

[BrilloPad]

A middle-aged woman

Seemed sheepish as she

Visited her gynaecologist.

'Come now,' coaxed the doctor,

'you've been seeing me for years!

There's nothing you can't tell me.'

'This one's kind of strange...'

'Let me be the judge of that,'

The doctor replied.

'Well,' she said, 'yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and heard a plink-plink- plink in the toilet and when I looked down, the water was full of pennies.'

'I see.'

'That afternoon I went to the bathroom again and, plink-plink- plink, there were 5p?s in the bowl.'
'That night,' she went on, 'I went again,

Plink-plink- plink, and there were 10p?s and this morning there were 50p?s !
You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!,' she implored,

'I'm scared out of my wits!'

The gynaecologist put a comforting
Hand on her shoulder.
'There, there, it's nothing to be scared about.'
'You're simply going through the change!

[BrilloPad]

Q What's the difference between an egg and pleasuring yourself?
A You can beat an egg, but you can't beat pleasuring yourself.

A man recounted that he'd read if a woman isn't so tired, she'd be a great, lusty sexual partner, so for a whole week he did all the washing shopping, cooking and looked after their children.
'So did it work, was she mad for it?' his friend asked later.
'I don't know,' the man replied, 'I was too tired.'

Doctor to his friend: 'There are things in the air that are making women pregnant,'
Friend: 'What is that?'
Doctor replies: 'Their legs.'

1st man: 'I've got a terrible headache.'
2nd man: 'When I have a headache, I rub my head against my wife's breasts for a few minutes. It works a treat. You should try it.'
The next day they meet again.
2nd man: 'How's your head, did you do what I suggested?'
1st man: 'I did. It worked brilliantly. By the way, you have a lovely house.'

[Rookie]

Paddy & Mick go to London to donate sperm. It was a disaster! Paddy
missed the tube & Mick came on the bus!!
----
Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight. The operator asks 'How many
people are flying with you?'
Paddy replies 'I don't know! Its your f***ing plane!!'
----
Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night. After 3 hours
of amazing sex Paddy says 'I wonder how the girls are getting on'
----
Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night. She undresses &
lies on the bed spread-eagled & says 'You know what I want don't you?'
'Yeah,' says Paddy. 'The whole friggin bed by the looks of it!'
----
Q. What's a Catholic priest & a pint of Guinness got in common?
A. black coat, white collar & you've got to watch your arse if you get
a dodgy one!
----
Paddy the electrician got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not
servicing the electric chair. He said in his professional opinion it was
a death trap!
----
Paddy, the Irish boyfriend of the woman whose head was found on
Arbroath beach was asked to identify her. A detective held up the head
to which point Paddy said 'I don't think that's her, she wasn' t that
tall!'
----
An Irishman is shagging a Jewish girl & says 'You're not very tight for
a Jew!'
She says 'Well you're not very thick for a Paddy!'
----
Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have
Bluetongue.
'Be Jeysus!' he said, 'I didnt even know they had mobile phones!'
----
Mick & Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery. Mick say
'Crikey! Theres a bloke here who was 152!'
Paddy says 'Whats his name?'
Mick replies 'Miles from London!'
----
An Irishman is rowing his boat in a field of hay. Paddy drives past &
stops. He looks at the Irishman in the boat & shouts 'Its thick fu**wits
like you that give us Irish a bad name! I'd come over there & kick the
s**t out of you if I could swim!'

[EternalOptimist]

A panther is waiting in ambush in the jungle. After a wile a baby elephant walks by, 'too big for me' thinks the panther, 'but I am hungry, maybe I can bite a bit off, like an ear or a trunk or something'
Just then the baby elephant stops for a leak, he proudly winds his two foot baby-elephant-kn0b out and starts to pee against a tree. Quick as a flash , the panther is there, SNAP, bites off the kn0b and drags it up a tree to eat it.

The baby elephant runs off in agony, finds his mum and tells her what happened. The mummy elephant goes ballistic, crashes through the jungle. Grabs the big cat in her trunk and bashes her against a tree. WHACK. Then against a second tree. THUMP. Then a third. CRUNCH. She throws the cat to the floor and stamps on her.SQUELCH.
'What did you do that to my baby for ?' she screams

'Well what can I say ? I'm a tool-eater jag'

[BrilloPad]

A panther is waiting in ambush in the jungle. After a wile a baby elephant walks by, 'too big for me' thinks the panther, 'but I am hungry, maybe I can bite a bit off, like an ear or a trunk or something'
Just then the baby elephant stops for a leak, he proudly winds his two foot baby-elephant-kn0b out and starts to pee against a tree. Quick as a flash , the panther is there, SNAP, bites off the kn0b and drags it up a tree to eat it.

The baby elephant runs off in agony, finds his mum and tells here what happened. The mummy elephant goes ballistic, crashes through the jungle. Grabs the big cat in her trunk and bashes her against a tree. WHACK. Then against a second tree. THUMP. Then a third. CRUNCH. She throws the cat to the floor and stamps on her.SQUELCH.
'What did you do that to my baby for ?' she screams

'Well what can I say ? I'm a tool-eater jag'

Took about 30 seconds to work that one out!

[Money Money Money]

Took about 30 seconds to work that one out!

WHS...well 10 seconds!