Please put more jokes here

[TheFaQQer]

'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?

I guess the operation was a success, then?

[BrilloPad]

I guess the operation was a success, then?

The original email was entitled from a little girl with a piccie : I missed that bit out.

[BrilloPad]

EVEN GOD ENJOYS A GOOD LAUGH!

There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone brother
2. He liked Gospel
3. He didn't get a fair trial

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish :
1. He went into His Father's business
2. He lived at home until he was 33
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with His hands
2. He had wine with His meals
3. He used olive oil

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut His hair
2. He walked around barefoot all the time
3. He started a new religion

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian :
1. He was at peace with nature
2. He ate a lot of fish
3. He talked about the Great Spirit

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.

But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:
1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was virtually no food
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it
3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was still work to do

[BrilloPad]

> Ways to turn men down!!!!
>
>
> > HE: Can I buy you a drink?
> > SHE: Actually I'd rather have the money.
> >
> > HE: I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours!
> > SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours!!!
> >
> > HE: Hi! Didn't we go on a date once? or was it twice?
> > SHE: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice!!!
> >
> > HE: How did you get to be so beautiful?
> > SHE: I must've been given your share!!!
> >
> > HE: Will you come out with me this Saturday?
> > SHE: Sorry! I'm having a headache this weekend!!!
> >
> > HE: Your face must turn a few heads!
> > SHE: And your face must turn a few stomachs!!!
> >
> > HE: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out!
> > SHE: Okay, get out!!!
> >
> > HE: I think I could make you very happy
> > SHE: Why? Are you leaving?
> >
> > HE: What would you say if I asked u to marry me?
> > SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time!!!
> >
> > HE: Can I have your name?
> > SHE: Why, don't you already have one?
> >
> > HE: Shall we go and see a film?
> > SHE: I've already seen it!!!
> >
> > HE: Where have you been all my life?
> > SHE: Hiding from you.
> >
> > HE: Haven't I seen you some place before?
> > SHE: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
> >
> > HE: Is this seat empty?
> > SHE: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
> >
> > HE: So, what do you do for a living?
> > SHE: I'm a female impersonator.
> >
> > HE: Hey baby, what's your sign?
> > SHE: 'Do not enter'.
> >
> > HE: Your body is like a temple.
> > SHE: Sorry, there are no services today.
> >
> > HE: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
> > SHE: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
> >
> > HE: Where have you been all my life?
> > SHE: Where I'll be the rest of your life - in your wildest dreams.

[Pondlife]

probably been done but nevermind

NINE WORDS WOMEN USE

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are
right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour.
Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more
minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something,
and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing
usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal
statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you
are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and
arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of
nothing.)

(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women
can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard
before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say
you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless
she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking
you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome'. That will bring on a
'whatever').

(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying F-- YOU!

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning
this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but
is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's
wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

[EternalOptimist]

EVEN GOD ENJOYS A GOOD LAUGH!

There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone brother
2. He liked Gospel
3. He didn't get a fair trial

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish :
1. He went into His Father's business
2. He lived at home until he was 33
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with His hands
2. He had wine with His meals
3. He used olive oil

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut His hair
2. He walked around barefoot all the time
3. He started a new religion

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian :
1. He was at peace with nature
2. He ate a lot of fish
3. He talked about the Great Spirit

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.

But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:
1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was virtually no food
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it
3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was still work to do

Three good proofs that Jesus lived in Gordon Browns Britain


1. Persecuted for trying to do right in life
2. Things got turned upside down because of the moneylenders
3. He got hammered by tax

[TheFaQQer]

NINE WORDS WOMEN USE

(1) Fine
(2) Five Minutes
(3) Nothing
(4) Go Ahead
(5) Loud Sigh
(6) That's Okay
(7) Thanks
(8) Whatever
(9) Don't worry about it, I got it

I make that 19...

[EternalOptimist]

Guy minces into a bar in London, gets a drink then eyes up all the customers. After a while he sidles up to a big skinhead who is at the bar alone.

'Tickle me arse with a feather'
'What the fck did you just say ?'
'I said it's particularly narsty weather'
'for the time of year'
'dont you think'
'oh, er yeah'

so the guy sits down at a table, notices someone looking over at him, smiling. So he goes over and they hit it off and leave.

Later on , the second guy says 'I noticed you trying to chat up the skinhead, how come he didnt beat the crap out of you. I always get beaten up'

'Ah give me a peice of paper, I'll write it down for you'

1. Tickle me arse with a feather
2. Particulary narsty weather

A week later the guy minces back into the same bar. His bum chum is there, arm in plaster, bandages around the head, nose broken and in a sling.

'What happened to you ?'

'It's all your fault, I did what you said and I got battered'

'You followed the words'

'Yes'

'Exactly ?'

'Well maybe not. I lost your paper, but I remember well, and I wrote them down. here look'

1. Stick your finger up me bum, it's itchy
2. Fkng hell, it's pissing down

[BrilloPad]

A man chatting to his friend. 'Every time I cough,' he explains, 'I get an uncontrollable urge to make love to my girlfriend.'
'Really!' his friend replies. 'Are you on anything for it?'
'Yes,' the man says. 'Twenty fags a day.'

A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast.
'You aren't so good in bed either,' he shouted and stormed off to work. By mid-morning he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home.
After many rings, his wife picked up the phone.
'What took you so long to answer?' he asked.
'I am in bed,' she replied.
'What were you doing in bed so late?'
'Getting a second opinion.'

[EternalOptimist]

An Australian :-



Someone who can throw a burnt match out of a car window and start a bush fire, but can use two boxes of matches, a box of fire lighters, 500ml of lighter fuel and a Sunday paper and still can't light the fking BBQ