Please put more jokes here

[BrilloPad]

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman.

He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial.

The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility...



Q: 'Officer -- Did you see my client fleeing the scene?'
A: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the
description of the offender, running several blocks away.'

Q: 'Officer -- Who provided this description?'
A:'The officer who responded to the scene.'

Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender.

Do you trust your fellow officers?'

A:'Yes, sir. With my life.'

Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where
you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'
A: 'Yes sir, we do!'

Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?'
A: 'Yes sir, I do.'

Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'
A: 'Yes sir.'

Q: 'Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it
necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?'
A: 'You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes
lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'




...The courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called The officer on the stand has been nominated for 2007's 'Best Comeback' line - and

we think he'll win.

[BrilloPad]

In 1986, Dan Harrison was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Dan approached d it very carefully.
He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.
As carefully and as gently as he could, Dan worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.
Dan stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.
Dan never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Dan was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son.
As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Dan and his son Dan Jr. were standing.
The large bull elephant stared at Dan, lifted its front f o ot off the ground, and then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Dan couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.
Dan summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Dan's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.


Probably wasn't the same elephant

[BrilloPad]

'Doctor, I am very embarrassed about exposing my bodyto you. I am worried that you might laugh at me.'In order to calm the patient the doctor replied, 'Ofcourse I won't laugh, I'm a doctor. In over 20years I have never laughed at a patient.' 'Okay then,' Bob said, and proceeded to drop histrousers, revealing the tiniest 'Willy' the doctor hadever seen. It couldn't have been bigger than the sizeof a AAA battery. Unable to control himself, the doctor startedgiggling, then fell to the floor, laughinguncontrollably. Some minutes later he was able to struggle to his feetand regain his composure..'I am SO sorry,' said the doctor. 'I really am. Idon't know what came over me. On my honor, as adoctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happenagain. Now, what seems to be the problem ?' 'It's swollen,' Bob replied.

[BrilloPad]

Before computers.....

Memory was something you lost with age
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity

A keyboard was a piano
A web was a spider's home
A virus was the flu
A CD was a bank account

A hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived

And if you had a 3 inch floppy.

You just hoped nobody ever found out!

[EternalOptimist]

Before computers.....

Memory was something you lost with age
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity

A keyboard was a piano
A web was a spider's home
A virus was the flu
A CD was a bank account

A hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived

And if you had a 3 inch floppy.

You just hoped nobody ever found out!

Ram was a guy who could really pull the birds
A monitor was someone who collected the pencils
A server was the dinner lady
and the labour party still managed to mispend all our money, except in those days it was peanuts, nowadays its not

[BrilloPad]

Two men are in a pub arguing about who has the biggest penis. The landlord interrupts and says: 'Look, just lay your peckers on the bar and I'll tell you which is the biggest.'

The two men agree, but as the landlord is about to give his verdict, a woman comes in . 'What can I get you?' he asks.

'Well,' she says, 'I was just going to have a glass of wine , but now I think I'll try the buffet.'


A man sees his GP, anxious about his diet. He says: 'I have three red snooker balls for breakfast, a black, pink and yellow for lunch , and a blue and brown for tea.'

'You know what the problem is?' says the doc. 'No greens.'

[BrilloPad]

A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labour is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth. "I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies "O.K. do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife "No, no boyfriend either." "Do you have a partner then?" "No, I'm unattached, I'll be having my baby on my own." After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. "You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black" "Well," replies the girl. "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a Porno movie. The lead man was black." "Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair." "Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what else could I do?" "Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby has slanted eyes." "Well yes," continues the girl, "I was incredibly hard up and there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice." At this the midwife again apologises collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the bum. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, "Well thank **** for that !" "What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked. "Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that the little bast*rd was going to bark!"

[BrilloPad]

Two ovaries are chatting. 'Are you expecting a delivery?' the first asks.

'No, why?' replies the second.

'Well, there are two nuts trying to get an organ in down below.'

[EternalOptimist]

V Sick joke alert

A woman is rushed into A&E, and gets examined by a nurse. The woman has her clothing torn, skirt almost ripped off and some bruising on her face, but she refuses to tell the nurse what has happened.
So the nurse follows procedure and calls the police in. A specially trained policewoman brings the patient a cup of tea and begins chatting about stuff. Then she says 'look you know why I am here, I know you dont want to talk about it, but please, make my job easier, just let me know if you have been raped'
So the patient breaks down and says, yes, but she still doesnt want to talk about it. The policewoman goes to speak to the nurse who says
'shes not telling the truth, I would guess there must have been dozens of them, the poor woman'
The police woman goes back and says 'look , there is some discrepancy between your story and the extent of your injuries'
The woman breaks down in tears ands says 'ok, I'll tell you what happened. I was on my home from the pub when an elephant jumped out and dragged me down an alley, then he started trumpeting and waving his tusks around, I got frightened and let him have his way with me, now I just want to go home and forget about it'

So the policewoman goes back to the nurse and explains, but the nurse remains unconvinced. 'If she had said a herd of elephants, I would believe her, but I still think she's holding something back'

Back to the patient goes the policewoman and says 'look , there is STILL some discrepancy between your story and the extent of your injuries'
The woman breaks down in tears ands says 'Oh the shame, how could he. The b@stard fingered me first'

[BA to the Stars]

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please
be gentle; I'm still a virgin."

"What ?" said the puzzled groom, "how can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how
great it was going to be.

"Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it
was supposed to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with
me.

"Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

"Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver

"Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

"Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

"Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never
sure how to position it.

"Husband #8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.

"Husband #9 was a Gynaecologist; all he did was look at it.

"Husband #10 was a Stamp Collector ; all he ever did was lick it........... God I miss him !!.




"But now that I've married you, I'm so excited".

"Wonderful", said the husband, "but why ?

"You're with the GOVERNMENT, this time I KNOW I'M gonna get SCR*W*D."